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Seriously Thinking About Just Giving Up
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<blockquote data-quote="DaisyFace" data-source="post: 516549" data-attributes="member: 6546"><p>Bunny--</p><p></p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry you are having such a rough time - I have been there (believe me, I have been there!)...</p><p></p><p>Seriously - <strong>BOUNDARIES</strong>.</p><p></p><p>In my opinion, you are too available to difficult child. You spend a lot of time explaining things to him and being patient with him - with typical kids, this makes you a FANTASTIC Mom, but with a difficult child, it just opens the door for him to abuse you. He *knows* he is not supposed to call you names. He *can* help it (otherwise, you'd be getting calls from school <em>all the time</em> about how he called his teacher a ***** or a *****. Obviously, he can restrain himself there.) He is taking advantage of your patience and understanding - he kNOWS you are a safe target at which to rage and vent.</p><p></p><p>Please STOP explaining things to him. You don't need to get him to "agree" with you, or to understand, or see it from your point-of-view. You just need to respond (sort of the way you would respond to a toddler). </p><p></p><p>"I'm sorry, I cannot understand what you are saying when you yell."; </p><p>"I'm sorry, I don't respond to *****."</p><p>"Is that how we ask nicely?"</p><p>"What do we say when someone does something nice for us?"</p><p></p><p>Yes - it will feel as if you are being really "cold" or mean to him. (It did to me, too when I first tried it....I felt like the worst Mom ever! )</p><p></p><p>Please recognize that all the stuff he is hurling at you is meant to get you to engage. Your difficult child is probably looking for a way to release all of his angry/anxious energy - and a knock-down, drag-out "fight" in a safe environment is a great outlet for him. But of course, that is not a healthy way to cope with his anger and frustration....and DEFINITELY not fair to the family.</p><p></p><p>Your job is to STOP ENGAGING. Do NOT respond to nasty names. Do NOT argue with illogical arguments (eg. <em>you haven't done anything nice for me in years</em>!) State your rule (we do not call names in this house) and turn your back and walk away.</p><p></p><p>If he runs away - call the police.</p><p></p><p>If he hits you or easy child - call the police.</p><p></p><p>If he destroys property - call the police.</p><p></p><p>And let him know that you will do these things in the same calm, quiet voice. "We don't hit people. If you hit me, I am calling the police."; "If you leave without permission, I am calling the police." If he asks you why, you tell him it is your job to keep the family safe.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child learned very quickly that if she wanted to get any response from Mom at all, she needed to speak quietly and respectfully. (Does this mean we became great friends and had a wonderful relationship? No....but it was a start.)</p><p></p><p>Please try it.</p><p></p><p>And try to do something nice for you today while difficult child is at school - these kids are exhausting! (Especially when you've been bending over backwards trying to be such a great Mom!)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DaisyFace, post: 516549, member: 6546"] Bunny-- (((Hugs))) I am so sorry you are having such a rough time - I have been there (believe me, I have been there!)... Seriously - [B]BOUNDARIES[/B]. In my opinion, you are too available to difficult child. You spend a lot of time explaining things to him and being patient with him - with typical kids, this makes you a FANTASTIC Mom, but with a difficult child, it just opens the door for him to abuse you. He *knows* he is not supposed to call you names. He *can* help it (otherwise, you'd be getting calls from school [I]all the time[/I] about how he called his teacher a ***** or a *****. Obviously, he can restrain himself there.) He is taking advantage of your patience and understanding - he kNOWS you are a safe target at which to rage and vent. Please STOP explaining things to him. You don't need to get him to "agree" with you, or to understand, or see it from your point-of-view. You just need to respond (sort of the way you would respond to a toddler). "I'm sorry, I cannot understand what you are saying when you yell."; "I'm sorry, I don't respond to *****." "Is that how we ask nicely?" "What do we say when someone does something nice for us?" Yes - it will feel as if you are being really "cold" or mean to him. (It did to me, too when I first tried it....I felt like the worst Mom ever! ) Please recognize that all the stuff he is hurling at you is meant to get you to engage. Your difficult child is probably looking for a way to release all of his angry/anxious energy - and a knock-down, drag-out "fight" in a safe environment is a great outlet for him. But of course, that is not a healthy way to cope with his anger and frustration....and DEFINITELY not fair to the family. Your job is to STOP ENGAGING. Do NOT respond to nasty names. Do NOT argue with illogical arguments (eg. [I]you haven't done anything nice for me in years[/I]!) State your rule (we do not call names in this house) and turn your back and walk away. If he runs away - call the police. If he hits you or easy child - call the police. If he destroys property - call the police. And let him know that you will do these things in the same calm, quiet voice. "We don't hit people. If you hit me, I am calling the police."; "If you leave without permission, I am calling the police." If he asks you why, you tell him it is your job to keep the family safe. My difficult child learned very quickly that if she wanted to get any response from Mom at all, she needed to speak quietly and respectfully. (Does this mean we became great friends and had a wonderful relationship? No....but it was a start.) Please try it. And try to do something nice for you today while difficult child is at school - these kids are exhausting! (Especially when you've been bending over backwards trying to be such a great Mom!) [/QUOTE]
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