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Seriously, What is her problem?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 423256" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Sounds like sociopathy in development coupled with parental denial.</p><p></p><p>No books. Nothing you can do that you haven't already done. Keep him safe, keep them under observation. Reduce the time H can spend around difficult child; sounds like he can't be trusted. I'd stop having him over, on the grounds that H is clearly upset and afraid. (yeah, right).</p><p></p><p>Natural consequences - you need to 'protect' H from your 'terrible' son, of course. </p><p></p><p>A young friend of mine has had similar problems with 'friends'. Her mother cries on my shoulder about it. My young friend is an only child, so her mother has no experience of child-raising. What she has produced is like a hothouse orchid, a rare flower of amazing beauty. Other kids, other parents, are often jealous and competitive. My young friend is very bright, very capable, and a thoroughly decent person. Too decent - some kid stay friends with her even after other kids give them the flick because they're too weird or nasty. My young friend is working this out much faster than her mother, who sometimes says to me, "Why is my daughter's friend being so mean? Why did her mother tell me that my daughter is immature?"</p><p></p><p>I tell my friend that the best way to handle someone being mean, is to limit their opportunities for being mean. Why work hard to maintain a relationship with someone who is only going to stab you in the back? or subtly undermine your confidence in yourself? Life is too short; surround yourself with true friends and limit those who don't show you the same respect you show them. That is the lesson to give your kids in this.</p><p></p><p>Kids' friendships often shift nd change as they grow and are pulled in different directions. Some parents fight the change and try to force the old friendships to continue, or force friendships on the kids for the sake of the parents. I remember when I was about 10 years old (I was a bright 10 yo too, I lived with adults) and a woman who had befriended my mother insisted that we had to set up a playdate with me and her daughter. "You will be such good friends!" the woman gushed. her daughter was 15 and did NOT want to be saddled with a little kid. Our mothers organised a shopping day, both daughters (me and the other girl) were dragged along. I was prepared to be nice, I tried to talk about books I had been reading. But the other girl was NOT intellectual, she hated reading, hated school, was only waiting until she was old enough to leave school and get a job. She grumped around all day looking like a thundercloud and I kept remembering things her mother had said to me (and my mother), "My daughter is so longing to meet you and spend the day with you!" It was all wishful thinking, the mother imposing her desires on others for her own ends.</p><p></p><p>It was the last time my mother ever spent much time with this woman in any organised activity. She learnt to avoid her where possible.</p><p></p><p>My mother and I could go shopping together and enjoy each other's company, across a wide range of ages. The other girl clearly hated spending time with her mother and after that day, I couldn't blame her. My usual connection with my mother when shopping was broken because this woman monopolised my mother completely, yet we were both tied to our mothers and not permitted to go off on our own. Very awkward, very difficult. A dreary, unpleasant day burned into my memory.</p><p></p><p>I think the reality of it for me was seeing this older girl clearly unhappy, clearly uncomfortable, feeling saddled with a brat who she didn't want to bother with and certainly didn't want to be seen with. She was ashamed and embarrassed by me and by her mother. While in reality I was no burden, this girl never really gave herself the chance to find out. But she wanted to shop for makeup and I was too young to be interested in makeup. I would have happily looked at jewellery though. But the girl's mother wouldn't let us loose near jewellery - maybe didn't trust her daughter? Absolutely zilch in common, except perhaps for an increasing dislike of her mother...</p><p></p><p>Listen to your son, respect his feelings about H. Maybe support him if he says he wants to limit contact for a while until things smooth over. Because if H is stealing or lying when difficult child is around, he is trying to get difficult child blamed. The less they are together, the less difficult child can be blamed.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 423256, member: 1991"] Sounds like sociopathy in development coupled with parental denial. No books. Nothing you can do that you haven't already done. Keep him safe, keep them under observation. Reduce the time H can spend around difficult child; sounds like he can't be trusted. I'd stop having him over, on the grounds that H is clearly upset and afraid. (yeah, right). Natural consequences - you need to 'protect' H from your 'terrible' son, of course. A young friend of mine has had similar problems with 'friends'. Her mother cries on my shoulder about it. My young friend is an only child, so her mother has no experience of child-raising. What she has produced is like a hothouse orchid, a rare flower of amazing beauty. Other kids, other parents, are often jealous and competitive. My young friend is very bright, very capable, and a thoroughly decent person. Too decent - some kid stay friends with her even after other kids give them the flick because they're too weird or nasty. My young friend is working this out much faster than her mother, who sometimes says to me, "Why is my daughter's friend being so mean? Why did her mother tell me that my daughter is immature?" I tell my friend that the best way to handle someone being mean, is to limit their opportunities for being mean. Why work hard to maintain a relationship with someone who is only going to stab you in the back? or subtly undermine your confidence in yourself? Life is too short; surround yourself with true friends and limit those who don't show you the same respect you show them. That is the lesson to give your kids in this. Kids' friendships often shift nd change as they grow and are pulled in different directions. Some parents fight the change and try to force the old friendships to continue, or force friendships on the kids for the sake of the parents. I remember when I was about 10 years old (I was a bright 10 yo too, I lived with adults) and a woman who had befriended my mother insisted that we had to set up a playdate with me and her daughter. "You will be such good friends!" the woman gushed. her daughter was 15 and did NOT want to be saddled with a little kid. Our mothers organised a shopping day, both daughters (me and the other girl) were dragged along. I was prepared to be nice, I tried to talk about books I had been reading. But the other girl was NOT intellectual, she hated reading, hated school, was only waiting until she was old enough to leave school and get a job. She grumped around all day looking like a thundercloud and I kept remembering things her mother had said to me (and my mother), "My daughter is so longing to meet you and spend the day with you!" It was all wishful thinking, the mother imposing her desires on others for her own ends. It was the last time my mother ever spent much time with this woman in any organised activity. She learnt to avoid her where possible. My mother and I could go shopping together and enjoy each other's company, across a wide range of ages. The other girl clearly hated spending time with her mother and after that day, I couldn't blame her. My usual connection with my mother when shopping was broken because this woman monopolised my mother completely, yet we were both tied to our mothers and not permitted to go off on our own. Very awkward, very difficult. A dreary, unpleasant day burned into my memory. I think the reality of it for me was seeing this older girl clearly unhappy, clearly uncomfortable, feeling saddled with a brat who she didn't want to bother with and certainly didn't want to be seen with. She was ashamed and embarrassed by me and by her mother. While in reality I was no burden, this girl never really gave herself the chance to find out. But she wanted to shop for makeup and I was too young to be interested in makeup. I would have happily looked at jewellery though. But the girl's mother wouldn't let us loose near jewellery - maybe didn't trust her daughter? Absolutely zilch in common, except perhaps for an increasing dislike of her mother... Listen to your son, respect his feelings about H. Maybe support him if he says he wants to limit contact for a while until things smooth over. Because if H is stealing or lying when difficult child is around, he is trying to get difficult child blamed. The less they are together, the less difficult child can be blamed. Marg [/QUOTE]
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