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Substance Abuse
She thinks she doesn't need help!
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 413748" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Hi Exhausted and welcome. So glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>16 is an awful age. Well... LOL, I guess it's all relative, because 9 wasn't so great, nor was 14, and I really didn't love 18. But at 16 you've got a kid who thinks she knows it all and has it under control, and at the same time is still subject to supervision in one form or another and so she isn't really allowed to see how little of her life she's actually got under control, or maybe more accurately, she's protected from the full force of her poor decisions because of that supervision but she doesn't see that she is protected. At 16, your daughter has this opportunity for treatment, but at the same time, at least in my experience, there is absolutely no way to force her to take advantage of this opportunity. My son never responded well to rewards or positive reinforcement. We could have offered him his heart's desire at 16, if he would only participate in his treatment, and he would have immediately headed in the opposite direction. I did start detaching when he was 16. I was just drained - I couldn't fight him anymore, I couldn't fight the program he was in, I just didn't have any fight left in me. </p><p></p><p>My kid was the poster child for oppositional behavior. If we said stop, he'd go. If we said go, he'd stop. husband and I both fully expected, best case scenario, that he'd be incarcerated in short order after hitting 18. Worst case, we expected a call to identify his body. It was a very dark time.</p><p></p><p>I think at some point we do have to start letting our kids make their choices and feel the full weight of the consequences of those choices. When that point is is probably different for everyone. I will say that it's incredibly painful to step back and watch your kid make some really horrible decisions. Literally, I cried daily for about 6 months the year my kid turned 18. I see-sawed between wanting to rescue him and thinking that I had to back off and let him figure it out. We did end up trying to bring him home when he was about 18-1/2. He lasted 36 hours before he took off to be with his "family" (street kids he'd been hanging out with- in the city). Heartbreaking.</p><p></p><p>I do think there's hope, but like everything else with- our kids, you kind of have to alter your definition of hope. My son is alive, not incarcerated, I think drug-free right now. He's not living on the street anymore. He's making an effort to find a job and seems to be trying to get his GED done, or redone depending on which version of his stories you believe. I think he leads an incredibly depressing life right now, but I also know that I simply cannot fix it for him. He has *got* to do it on his own, or at the very least get to the point where he will ask for help - he's not there yet, and I kinda think he never will be. He will be the first to tell you that his first year on his own was *horrible*, but will also admit freely that it was by his choice. I think some kids have to really go thru some really hard times to start toying with the idea that maybe their way isn't the only way.</p><p></p><p>I guess I really just don't have any sage advice for you. The optimist in me says fight as long as you can to get her to participate in treatment and to avoid more punitive placements. The realistic (at least, I think it's the realist - maybe it's the pessimist) in me says that at 16, your hands are tied somewhat because you cannot *force* her compliance and maybe it's time to try to give yourself a break from the battle. But if you do step back, you need to prepare yourself for some pretty bad decisions on her part. </p><p></p><p>Anyway - you are most definitely not alone. Again, welcome to the board.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 413748, member: 8"] Hi Exhausted and welcome. So glad you found us. 16 is an awful age. Well... LOL, I guess it's all relative, because 9 wasn't so great, nor was 14, and I really didn't love 18. But at 16 you've got a kid who thinks she knows it all and has it under control, and at the same time is still subject to supervision in one form or another and so she isn't really allowed to see how little of her life she's actually got under control, or maybe more accurately, she's protected from the full force of her poor decisions because of that supervision but she doesn't see that she is protected. At 16, your daughter has this opportunity for treatment, but at the same time, at least in my experience, there is absolutely no way to force her to take advantage of this opportunity. My son never responded well to rewards or positive reinforcement. We could have offered him his heart's desire at 16, if he would only participate in his treatment, and he would have immediately headed in the opposite direction. I did start detaching when he was 16. I was just drained - I couldn't fight him anymore, I couldn't fight the program he was in, I just didn't have any fight left in me. My kid was the poster child for oppositional behavior. If we said stop, he'd go. If we said go, he'd stop. husband and I both fully expected, best case scenario, that he'd be incarcerated in short order after hitting 18. Worst case, we expected a call to identify his body. It was a very dark time. I think at some point we do have to start letting our kids make their choices and feel the full weight of the consequences of those choices. When that point is is probably different for everyone. I will say that it's incredibly painful to step back and watch your kid make some really horrible decisions. Literally, I cried daily for about 6 months the year my kid turned 18. I see-sawed between wanting to rescue him and thinking that I had to back off and let him figure it out. We did end up trying to bring him home when he was about 18-1/2. He lasted 36 hours before he took off to be with his "family" (street kids he'd been hanging out with- in the city). Heartbreaking. I do think there's hope, but like everything else with- our kids, you kind of have to alter your definition of hope. My son is alive, not incarcerated, I think drug-free right now. He's not living on the street anymore. He's making an effort to find a job and seems to be trying to get his GED done, or redone depending on which version of his stories you believe. I think he leads an incredibly depressing life right now, but I also know that I simply cannot fix it for him. He has *got* to do it on his own, or at the very least get to the point where he will ask for help - he's not there yet, and I kinda think he never will be. He will be the first to tell you that his first year on his own was *horrible*, but will also admit freely that it was by his choice. I think some kids have to really go thru some really hard times to start toying with the idea that maybe their way isn't the only way. I guess I really just don't have any sage advice for you. The optimist in me says fight as long as you can to get her to participate in treatment and to avoid more punitive placements. The realistic (at least, I think it's the realist - maybe it's the pessimist) in me says that at 16, your hands are tied somewhat because you cannot *force* her compliance and maybe it's time to try to give yourself a break from the battle. But if you do step back, you need to prepare yourself for some pretty bad decisions on her part. Anyway - you are most definitely not alone. Again, welcome to the board. [/QUOTE]
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