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She wants to come home and follow the rules
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 609535" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Mamakathy, excellent that you are taking the time you need to sort this all through. I was told by my therapist to always say, "let me get back to you." Standard line now. </p><p></p><p>MWM has given you great advice.</p><p></p><p>Do remember that our kids are master manipulators when they want something so her responding "I understand" may simply mean that she is doing what needs to be done to create the desired outcome. </p><p></p><p>Generally, these types of scenarios don't fare well. </p><p></p><p>However there are some guidelines I would cover if I were you. First, check in with the local courts to find out what you need to do to evict your own child. In CA. you have to get a court order and serve it to them officially. There is also a waiting period, I think it is either 30 or 60 days, I'm not certain. You will want to know this beforehand, so you know exactly how long you may have to house her if things go south quickly.</p><p></p><p>If it were me, I would first figure out what it is I want and what it is I do not want. I would hold a family conference with everyone to find out what the whole family thinks. Out of that meeting, I would create a document, a contract, which CLEARLY states your expectations, what you must have happen. Every single thing. Our kids are masters at loopholes. So, if you want household chores, home at a designated time, no friends over, quiet after a certain time, a psychiatric evaluation and medication compliance if that is something important to you, along with therapy for her...........she has a job within ___amount of time and pays some kind of rent, you will have to identify all of that clearly. She pays for her food, her phone, her gas, whatever. She is respectful and respects your belongings as well as YOU. I mean you cover <u>every single possible component of her living with you</u>. Then you figure out the consequences. And, once you do that, you have to be willing to impose the consequences or the whole thing is worthless. Ask her to read it and ask if she understands. Ask her sign it, <em>just like in real life.</em> </p><p></p><p>If what you want is not done, hand her a list of shelters. Let her know that will be the result. She will be counting on you enabling her, she will be counting on being able to snow you, she will be counting on her manipulation skill to get what she wants. You, on the other hand, will be training her for real life. It is tough. But you and your whole family have to be behind the contract. No easy ride for your daughter, it's wake up time. </p><p></p><p>Many if not most of our kids cannot live within rules, their wiring prevents it for whatever reason. It is just the way it is. If I were you I would give this a lot of thought before I agreed to it. And, if I did agree, it would only be under all of<em> MY rules</em>. And, once the rules were not adhered to, she would be out. It's a hard line, but she can do a lot of damage to you and your family, they are very, very skilled at aiming the arrows where they will hurt the most, and driving wedges between families. They are very skilled at devastating us with their behavior. Be prepared. Get supports in place, therapy, whatever you can, you'll require it. </p><p></p><p>She is your daughter and you still remember when she was a little girl, the good times..............but it sounds to me as if that has all changed. You are on a different playing field now and you will need to learn how to play this game.............otherwise you will become a hostage in your own home and your life will be all about your daughter and her drama. </p><p></p><p>Think long and hard before you make this decision. Get all your ducks in order first. I hope whatever choice you make works out for everyone. I wish you all peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 609535, member: 13542"] Mamakathy, excellent that you are taking the time you need to sort this all through. I was told by my therapist to always say, "let me get back to you." Standard line now. MWM has given you great advice. Do remember that our kids are master manipulators when they want something so her responding "I understand" may simply mean that she is doing what needs to be done to create the desired outcome. Generally, these types of scenarios don't fare well. However there are some guidelines I would cover if I were you. First, check in with the local courts to find out what you need to do to evict your own child. In CA. you have to get a court order and serve it to them officially. There is also a waiting period, I think it is either 30 or 60 days, I'm not certain. You will want to know this beforehand, so you know exactly how long you may have to house her if things go south quickly. If it were me, I would first figure out what it is I want and what it is I do not want. I would hold a family conference with everyone to find out what the whole family thinks. Out of that meeting, I would create a document, a contract, which CLEARLY states your expectations, what you must have happen. Every single thing. Our kids are masters at loopholes. So, if you want household chores, home at a designated time, no friends over, quiet after a certain time, a psychiatric evaluation and medication compliance if that is something important to you, along with therapy for her...........she has a job within ___amount of time and pays some kind of rent, you will have to identify all of that clearly. She pays for her food, her phone, her gas, whatever. She is respectful and respects your belongings as well as YOU. I mean you cover [U]every single possible component of her living with you[/U]. Then you figure out the consequences. And, once you do that, you have to be willing to impose the consequences or the whole thing is worthless. Ask her to read it and ask if she understands. Ask her sign it, [I]just like in real life.[/I] If what you want is not done, hand her a list of shelters. Let her know that will be the result. She will be counting on you enabling her, she will be counting on being able to snow you, she will be counting on her manipulation skill to get what she wants. You, on the other hand, will be training her for real life. It is tough. But you and your whole family have to be behind the contract. No easy ride for your daughter, it's wake up time. Many if not most of our kids cannot live within rules, their wiring prevents it for whatever reason. It is just the way it is. If I were you I would give this a lot of thought before I agreed to it. And, if I did agree, it would only be under all of[I] MY rules[/I]. And, once the rules were not adhered to, she would be out. It's a hard line, but she can do a lot of damage to you and your family, they are very, very skilled at aiming the arrows where they will hurt the most, and driving wedges between families. They are very skilled at devastating us with their behavior. Be prepared. Get supports in place, therapy, whatever you can, you'll require it. She is your daughter and you still remember when she was a little girl, the good times..............but it sounds to me as if that has all changed. You are on a different playing field now and you will need to learn how to play this game.............otherwise you will become a hostage in your own home and your life will be all about your daughter and her drama. Think long and hard before you make this decision. Get all your ducks in order first. I hope whatever choice you make works out for everyone. I wish you all peace. [/QUOTE]
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