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She Went Too Far This Time...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 678683" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Welcome to the forum, Skool. I'm so sorry, but it sounds like the drama with your daughter has been going on a long, long time. You also sound like you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. That is a very good place to get to, for us and for them.</p><p></p><p>My path was very similar. I pushed and pulled and put up with...with my Difficult Child from middle school on until his outrageous behavior was finally too much even for me, his mother. Then he was out of here, and out on the street.</p><p></p><p>For many of us, stealing from us is the final straw. It was for me too. I was already crazy with trying to deal with his behavior, crazy, exhausted and heartsick. </p><p></p><p>My son's path went down and down and down for about five years after he left here, with jail, homelessness and drug use. It was more than I could ever have conceived of in a million years. </p><p></p><p>His decline started with alcohol, went to pot, and then pills and who knows what else. I believe he has "done" a lot of drugs. He went to multiple rehabs but he was never ready so they didn't "take."</p><p></p><p>Anyway, the turnaround came for him, when he was in jail the last time waiting to be sentenced. His public defender told him to get ready to go to jail for four years (he had broken probation). He told Difficult Child it would happen the next day in court. Difficult Child said he laid awake all night, terrified. The next day the judge let him walk out of there----I wasn't there so I have no idea what was said in court---and it's now more than 18 months of steady progress. He is like a different person. </p><p></p><p>One time I was told by a police officer that "this" would probably go on until he was about 25 or 26 and then most of them stopped. I said: "Do you promise?"</p><p></p><p>My learning from all of this was that nothing in the world I did or said slowed him down. In fact, I think it sped him up in his defiance and his addiction. Finally, when I got out of the way, stood way way back from his life, let him take the consequences of his actions and didn't interfere, that is when he began to turn around...in time. It took a long long time and many times I wondered if what I had done---stopping enabling and standing back---was making any kind of difference. </p><p></p><p>I also learned that I was not going to the catalyst of his change if it ever was to come. That was huge for me, because as his mother, I thought I should be the Last Man Standing for him. I was only preventing the inevitable and once again, providing a safety net for him. </p><p></p><p>Dealing with ourselves takes time. We have to do a lot of learning and changing. It usually starts with being where you are...completely done and sick and tired. But often that passes, and we get involved with them again. It's very very very hard to stand strong against our child, who we love so very much. We can't tolerate our own fear, guilt, shame, depression, grief and despair...so we start trying to save them again and again and again.</p><p></p><p>If you do that, it's okay. It's a progression. Especially without support, this is just too hard. Please consider getting involved in programs like Al-Anon, reading books like Boundaries and CoDependent No More, building a toolbox for yourself that you can use daily to get stronger in your thinking and your behavior when it comes to her. You will need the support in order to stand strong. It's too hard otherwise. </p><p></p><p>My own precious mother, who is 83 years old, has her alcoholic son---my brother---living with she and my dad. My brother's alcoholism is progressing and everybody in our family is upset about it. But my mother---his chief enabler---can't do what she needs to do. She can't set boundaries with him due to her own guilt and fear about his life. She has no "support system" because she won't seek one out. So, like her counselor told her...you are killing him. You are killing him as surely as you take a gun to his head. But my mother can't stand up to it all because she has no tools and her feelings take her over. </p><p></p><p>I understand that, and I have compassion for them all. I have let go of my brother, and of my mother's inability to set boundaries, and of my dad's rage about it all. They will have to walk their own path, whatever it is. I can't shake them hard enough to make them see. I learned that a long long time ago.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there, and take this whole thing one day at a time. You won't handle it all perfectly, and that's okay. Nothing is a deal-breaker believe me, we (as moms) just aren't that important to them at this stage of their lives. We are usually a "provider" of things, and that is what they see us as, right now.</p><p></p><p>We are glad you are here. Keep posting. This is a great group of people with much encouragement and support to share.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 678683, member: 17542"] Welcome to the forum, Skool. I'm so sorry, but it sounds like the drama with your daughter has been going on a long, long time. You also sound like you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. That is a very good place to get to, for us and for them. My path was very similar. I pushed and pulled and put up with...with my Difficult Child from middle school on until his outrageous behavior was finally too much even for me, his mother. Then he was out of here, and out on the street. For many of us, stealing from us is the final straw. It was for me too. I was already crazy with trying to deal with his behavior, crazy, exhausted and heartsick. My son's path went down and down and down for about five years after he left here, with jail, homelessness and drug use. It was more than I could ever have conceived of in a million years. His decline started with alcohol, went to pot, and then pills and who knows what else. I believe he has "done" a lot of drugs. He went to multiple rehabs but he was never ready so they didn't "take." Anyway, the turnaround came for him, when he was in jail the last time waiting to be sentenced. His public defender told him to get ready to go to jail for four years (he had broken probation). He told Difficult Child it would happen the next day in court. Difficult Child said he laid awake all night, terrified. The next day the judge let him walk out of there----I wasn't there so I have no idea what was said in court---and it's now more than 18 months of steady progress. He is like a different person. One time I was told by a police officer that "this" would probably go on until he was about 25 or 26 and then most of them stopped. I said: "Do you promise?" My learning from all of this was that nothing in the world I did or said slowed him down. In fact, I think it sped him up in his defiance and his addiction. Finally, when I got out of the way, stood way way back from his life, let him take the consequences of his actions and didn't interfere, that is when he began to turn around...in time. It took a long long time and many times I wondered if what I had done---stopping enabling and standing back---was making any kind of difference. I also learned that I was not going to the catalyst of his change if it ever was to come. That was huge for me, because as his mother, I thought I should be the Last Man Standing for him. I was only preventing the inevitable and once again, providing a safety net for him. Dealing with ourselves takes time. We have to do a lot of learning and changing. It usually starts with being where you are...completely done and sick and tired. But often that passes, and we get involved with them again. It's very very very hard to stand strong against our child, who we love so very much. We can't tolerate our own fear, guilt, shame, depression, grief and despair...so we start trying to save them again and again and again. If you do that, it's okay. It's a progression. Especially without support, this is just too hard. Please consider getting involved in programs like Al-Anon, reading books like Boundaries and CoDependent No More, building a toolbox for yourself that you can use daily to get stronger in your thinking and your behavior when it comes to her. You will need the support in order to stand strong. It's too hard otherwise. My own precious mother, who is 83 years old, has her alcoholic son---my brother---living with she and my dad. My brother's alcoholism is progressing and everybody in our family is upset about it. But my mother---his chief enabler---can't do what she needs to do. She can't set boundaries with him due to her own guilt and fear about his life. She has no "support system" because she won't seek one out. So, like her counselor told her...you are killing him. You are killing him as surely as you take a gun to his head. But my mother can't stand up to it all because she has no tools and her feelings take her over. I understand that, and I have compassion for them all. I have let go of my brother, and of my mother's inability to set boundaries, and of my dad's rage about it all. They will have to walk their own path, whatever it is. I can't shake them hard enough to make them see. I learned that a long long time ago. Hang in there, and take this whole thing one day at a time. You won't handle it all perfectly, and that's okay. Nothing is a deal-breaker believe me, we (as moms) just aren't that important to them at this stage of their lives. We are usually a "provider" of things, and that is what they see us as, right now. We are glad you are here. Keep posting. This is a great group of people with much encouragement and support to share. [/QUOTE]
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