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She's Gone Again...and I'm okay...for now
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 653372" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think it will help if you can see the calls and the begging and lying as expected behavior. This will be a hard thing to admit. No one wants the terrible things that are happening to become the pattern of our relationship to our children. It is a hurtful admission to make. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry, WearyMom.</p><p></p><p>Have you come up with a few standard responses? It will comfort you to have something prepared. After the phone call or face to face, knowing that you responded with a phrase you had chosen ahead of time will help you be more comfortable with having said no. (Instead of beating yourself up and eating yourself alive and guilting yourself into some terrible emotional place you may not be able to get out of easily.) You will know why you said no without having to get into the down and dirty of it with yourself.</p><p></p><p>I was always my worst enemy, too.</p><p></p><p>I was absolutely unprepared to think badly of my kids, or to believe what was happening to all of us, or to accept that there was nothing I could do to change it for any of us.</p><p></p><p>It helped me to remember the power in money. (That didn't happen for a long time. I was so sure I could love them out of it, or understand them out of it. Or bail them out of it one more time.) When it happens that we get right up front with ourselves about what is really going on with our kids, we begin to see the money issue differently. If there was ever going to be a way for me to influence the direction my kids were taking, it would be through giving or withholding money. I would think about that, about what it meant for me to have said "NO MONEY". Or "NO, YOU CANNOT LIVE IN MY HOUSE WHILE I'M GONE." (Note I did not say this worked. :O) Nothing worked. But I felt better, and that is what we are after, here.) Saying no like that taught me about the value of money, and the harm to the kids in getting free money if they could make the situation dire enough. So, what I am trying to say here is: Your daughter is following a path you disapprove of. To help her do that is wrong. This isn't about one meal or a pair of jeans. This is about where she is taking her life, and with whom.</p><p></p><p>She was raised better. In her heart, she knows this.</p><p></p><p>That is a weapon for you, too. Begin telling her that every chance you have. She will hate it.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>To allow her to beg hard enough and then, get the money, teaches a very bad lesson. In the end, there is more integrity for the kids if they have figured out some way to get their own money, living space, whatever.</p><p></p><p>It helped me to remember those kinds of things. It was still hard. But at least I knew why I was saying no, and had that to counter the pain in my child's voice.</p><p></p><p>I would learn, over time, that I loved them enough to come through even the horrible twistedness of the relationship that happened to all of us over money.</p><p></p><p>I never saw it as teaching my child to beg.</p><p></p><p>But that is what giving them money for nothing is.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. She refuses to follow the rules, even in who is the mom and who the child who suddenly knows every damn thing in the world.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I always did believe that the kids see us as these enormously self-sufficient adult people who cannot be hurt. They expect that we can magically make anything at all all right. The hurt in it is that we feel that way too a little bit.</p><p></p><p>It's what we have always done. Protected, cherished, taught, celebrated their sweet, sweet existences and our great good fortune in having them.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Each of us reaches a place where we decide to leap into detachment parenting. I don't know that any of us believes in it at first. Part of it is that by the time the kids are in big trouble, we are so guilty and worried and they are so rebellious that our authority to parent is shot and we find ourselves saying "no" pretty much never.</p><p></p><p>But that is what has to happen.</p><p></p><p>That is where we stand up ~ with that first beginning understanding that the child is choosing a wrong path.</p><p></p><p>The child is.</p><p></p><p>And she was raised better and the only tool at your disposal to help her turn this thing around is "NO".</p><p></p><p>No, you do not approve ~ not of anything she is doing, not of where she is living, and not her nasty, self-destructive friends. You are within your rights and it is your responsibility as a parent to refuse to fund your child's self destructive lifestyle in any way. </p><p></p><p>And that includes moral or mother-support.</p><p></p><p>You may still lose the battle, but you will go down honest.</p><p></p><p>It will still be very hard.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry.</p><p></p><p>But you are strong, and you can do this, and we are right here.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yay! You have the phrase that will give you strength when you most need it. Write it on index cards. Keep one in your purse, one on the fridge, one in the case your phone is in. Keep one on your desk at work, or in your pocket.</p><p></p><p>You need to take the phrase one step further, I think. It isn't so much that she does or doesn't call about money. You have a right to be angry about the life your child is throwing away to have the one she is choosing. You would be correct in refusing to fund it.</p><p></p><p>It will be hard either way. We hemorrhaged money, and it was still hard. As the addiction takes hold, they just keep wanting more. One of my children wanted a duplex. The other was totally on his side because she wanted one, too.</p><p></p><p>That way, they could follow the lives they'd decided without having to worry about money or a place to live. They would each live in a duplex and rent the other side out for spending money.</p><p></p><p>Can you imagine that we almost did that.</p><p></p><p>The battle is not with the kids. The battle is with ourselves.</p><p></p><p>No one wants to be the kind of parent we have to learn to be.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is true.</p><p></p><p>Yoga is good. Meditation is good. Ballet class, karate classes, and Tai Chi were very good for me. Volunteering is a good thing. Here is the yoga series I use:</p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]TtJS-5xZnTs[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>It is good to have the ability to participate on your own schedule.</p><p></p><p>The other things you will need an instructor for, but that is a good thing, too. Those things we add to our lives that are not sullied by what is happening with our children are a good and healthy response to the pain.</p><p></p><p>I finished the requirements for my degree and established myself in a career at some point as I went through all this with the kids.</p><p></p><p>Anything to take the emphasis from the pain. This is your one life. You will not have even one minute to live over.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p><u>Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy </u>by Sarah Ban Breathnack</p><p></p><p>Begin a gratitude journal. List five things you are grateful for every day at bedtime. You will sleep better and feel more sane and hopeful. Sleeping well will make a difference in how the next day looks and feels.</p><p></p><p>Child of Mine named these things we use to get ourselves back to functional our tools. She named her knowledge of this collection of poetry and inspiration and exercise and discipline and radical acceptance her tool box. When she does not know what to do, she remembers the tool box, and the life saving tools there.</p><p></p><p>You need to create a tool box, too.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You must learn to care for yourself in these ways, and create your own peace.</p><p></p><p>No one knows why our children are behaving as they are. Drugs, genetics, illness. Eventually, why will come not to matter. With all my heart, I wish for your child to turn this around. </p><p></p><p>Which are the things you know of right now that bring you strength and peace and happiness?</p><p></p><p>Those are your tools.</p><p></p><p>And us, of course. We are right here.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 653372, member: 17461"] I think it will help if you can see the calls and the begging and lying as expected behavior. This will be a hard thing to admit. No one wants the terrible things that are happening to become the pattern of our relationship to our children. It is a hurtful admission to make. I am sorry, WearyMom. Have you come up with a few standard responses? It will comfort you to have something prepared. After the phone call or face to face, knowing that you responded with a phrase you had chosen ahead of time will help you be more comfortable with having said no. (Instead of beating yourself up and eating yourself alive and guilting yourself into some terrible emotional place you may not be able to get out of easily.) You will know why you said no without having to get into the down and dirty of it with yourself. I was always my worst enemy, too. I was absolutely unprepared to think badly of my kids, or to believe what was happening to all of us, or to accept that there was nothing I could do to change it for any of us. It helped me to remember the power in money. (That didn't happen for a long time. I was so sure I could love them out of it, or understand them out of it. Or bail them out of it one more time.) When it happens that we get right up front with ourselves about what is really going on with our kids, we begin to see the money issue differently. If there was ever going to be a way for me to influence the direction my kids were taking, it would be through giving or withholding money. I would think about that, about what it meant for me to have said "NO MONEY". Or "NO, YOU CANNOT LIVE IN MY HOUSE WHILE I'M GONE." (Note I did not say this worked. :O) Nothing worked. But I felt better, and that is what we are after, here.) Saying no like that taught me about the value of money, and the harm to the kids in getting free money if they could make the situation dire enough. So, what I am trying to say here is: Your daughter is following a path you disapprove of. To help her do that is wrong. This isn't about one meal or a pair of jeans. This is about where she is taking her life, and with whom. She was raised better. In her heart, she knows this. That is a weapon for you, too. Begin telling her that every chance you have. She will hate it. :O) To allow her to beg hard enough and then, get the money, teaches a very bad lesson. In the end, there is more integrity for the kids if they have figured out some way to get their own money, living space, whatever. It helped me to remember those kinds of things. It was still hard. But at least I knew why I was saying no, and had that to counter the pain in my child's voice. I would learn, over time, that I loved them enough to come through even the horrible twistedness of the relationship that happened to all of us over money. I never saw it as teaching my child to beg. But that is what giving them money for nothing is. Yes. She refuses to follow the rules, even in who is the mom and who the child who suddenly knows every damn thing in the world. I always did believe that the kids see us as these enormously self-sufficient adult people who cannot be hurt. They expect that we can magically make anything at all all right. The hurt in it is that we feel that way too a little bit. It's what we have always done. Protected, cherished, taught, celebrated their sweet, sweet existences and our great good fortune in having them. Each of us reaches a place where we decide to leap into detachment parenting. I don't know that any of us believes in it at first. Part of it is that by the time the kids are in big trouble, we are so guilty and worried and they are so rebellious that our authority to parent is shot and we find ourselves saying "no" pretty much never. But that is what has to happen. That is where we stand up ~ with that first beginning understanding that the child is choosing a wrong path. The child is. And she was raised better and the only tool at your disposal to help her turn this thing around is "NO". No, you do not approve ~ not of anything she is doing, not of where she is living, and not her nasty, self-destructive friends. You are within your rights and it is your responsibility as a parent to refuse to fund your child's self destructive lifestyle in any way. And that includes moral or mother-support. You may still lose the battle, but you will go down honest. It will still be very hard. I am sorry. But you are strong, and you can do this, and we are right here. Yay! You have the phrase that will give you strength when you most need it. Write it on index cards. Keep one in your purse, one on the fridge, one in the case your phone is in. Keep one on your desk at work, or in your pocket. You need to take the phrase one step further, I think. It isn't so much that she does or doesn't call about money. You have a right to be angry about the life your child is throwing away to have the one she is choosing. You would be correct in refusing to fund it. It will be hard either way. We hemorrhaged money, and it was still hard. As the addiction takes hold, they just keep wanting more. One of my children wanted a duplex. The other was totally on his side because she wanted one, too. That way, they could follow the lives they'd decided without having to worry about money or a place to live. They would each live in a duplex and rent the other side out for spending money. Can you imagine that we almost did that. The battle is not with the kids. The battle is with ourselves. No one wants to be the kind of parent we have to learn to be. This is true. Yoga is good. Meditation is good. Ballet class, karate classes, and Tai Chi were very good for me. Volunteering is a good thing. Here is the yoga series I use: [MEDIA=youtube]TtJS-5xZnTs[/MEDIA] It is good to have the ability to participate on your own schedule. The other things you will need an instructor for, but that is a good thing, too. Those things we add to our lives that are not sullied by what is happening with our children are a good and healthy response to the pain. I finished the requirements for my degree and established myself in a career at some point as I went through all this with the kids. Anything to take the emphasis from the pain. This is your one life. You will not have even one minute to live over. *** [U]Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy [/U]by Sarah Ban Breathnack Begin a gratitude journal. List five things you are grateful for every day at bedtime. You will sleep better and feel more sane and hopeful. Sleeping well will make a difference in how the next day looks and feels. Child of Mine named these things we use to get ourselves back to functional our tools. She named her knowledge of this collection of poetry and inspiration and exercise and discipline and radical acceptance her tool box. When she does not know what to do, she remembers the tool box, and the life saving tools there. You need to create a tool box, too. You must learn to care for yourself in these ways, and create your own peace. No one knows why our children are behaving as they are. Drugs, genetics, illness. Eventually, why will come not to matter. With all my heart, I wish for your child to turn this around. Which are the things you know of right now that bring you strength and peace and happiness? Those are your tools. And us, of course. We are right here. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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