Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Should've kept my mouth shut
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="mrsammler" data-source="post: 427886"><p>difficult child is 23 and you're fretting about all of these problems she has created for herself?? Detach! She's 23! You can give her Xmas and birthday gifts, but that's it! The cash faucet shuts off at 18 unless a child is in college full-time and doing well and thus merits whatever help you can provide. I have 4 PCs: the oldest is almost 25, a very nice guy and a smart, wonderful fellow, but he has been Ferdinand the Bull for the last 2 years or so, just smelling the flowers and enjoying life without any real drive to move on in life. I love him to death, but when he asked me to co-sign a loan for him for college a year ago, I nicely said no--"you're a man now and can manage your life yourself, and I have younger kids who haven't dilly-dallied around for years and they need college money too--good luck and god bless." I said this cheerily and with love, and that's how he took it. Past a certain age, and especially if a child hasn't shown the requisite effort/drive on his/her own, you don't step in and help out anymore, except with love and encouragement. No cash. My older daughter has been working hard to get into and halfway through a nursing degree at her college, and I've given her lots of financial help, because she deserves it--has been focused and driven the whole way, and deserves whatever help I can provide. My 3rd is on full scholarship at MI State and I buy her textbooks and give her $300/semester for spending money. Her scholarship and work/study job and summer savings covers everything else, and she deserves whatever help I can provide. My youngest is 15 and doing very well in high school, so I buy him stuff and give him spending money from time to time and he is always grateful, never asks in advance, etc etc. The previous year, he made lousy grades and I was on him all the time to get his act together academically, and I didn't give or buy him squat while he was underperforming like that. So they all "get it": Dad is generous when you're trying hard and doing things right, but when you're not, he loves you hard and is encouraging, but also critical if you're making mistakes or not trying hard enough. </p><p></p><p>But 23 and malfunctioning? I would give a lot of love and encouragement but also some solid, measured criticism when it's called for, and absolutely zero cash. At 23 I was halfway through my army enlistment, not dithering around making childish mistakes (I had made plenty of those already, which is why I was in the army--my father cut me off big-time when I was malfunctioning, and drove me into the army to fix my life and grow up, and it worked). Giving money to a malfunctioning 23-year-old is just enabling--it makes no sense. Detach and enjoy your life. She needs to grow up, and every dime you give her is impeding that process.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mrsammler, post: 427886"] difficult child is 23 and you're fretting about all of these problems she has created for herself?? Detach! She's 23! You can give her Xmas and birthday gifts, but that's it! The cash faucet shuts off at 18 unless a child is in college full-time and doing well and thus merits whatever help you can provide. I have 4 PCs: the oldest is almost 25, a very nice guy and a smart, wonderful fellow, but he has been Ferdinand the Bull for the last 2 years or so, just smelling the flowers and enjoying life without any real drive to move on in life. I love him to death, but when he asked me to co-sign a loan for him for college a year ago, I nicely said no--"you're a man now and can manage your life yourself, and I have younger kids who haven't dilly-dallied around for years and they need college money too--good luck and god bless." I said this cheerily and with love, and that's how he took it. Past a certain age, and especially if a child hasn't shown the requisite effort/drive on his/her own, you don't step in and help out anymore, except with love and encouragement. No cash. My older daughter has been working hard to get into and halfway through a nursing degree at her college, and I've given her lots of financial help, because she deserves it--has been focused and driven the whole way, and deserves whatever help I can provide. My 3rd is on full scholarship at MI State and I buy her textbooks and give her $300/semester for spending money. Her scholarship and work/study job and summer savings covers everything else, and she deserves whatever help I can provide. My youngest is 15 and doing very well in high school, so I buy him stuff and give him spending money from time to time and he is always grateful, never asks in advance, etc etc. The previous year, he made lousy grades and I was on him all the time to get his act together academically, and I didn't give or buy him squat while he was underperforming like that. So they all "get it": Dad is generous when you're trying hard and doing things right, but when you're not, he loves you hard and is encouraging, but also critical if you're making mistakes or not trying hard enough. But 23 and malfunctioning? I would give a lot of love and encouragement but also some solid, measured criticism when it's called for, and absolutely zero cash. At 23 I was halfway through my army enlistment, not dithering around making childish mistakes (I had made plenty of those already, which is why I was in the army--my father cut me off big-time when I was malfunctioning, and drove me into the army to fix my life and grow up, and it worked). Giving money to a malfunctioning 23-year-old is just enabling--it makes no sense. Detach and enjoy your life. She needs to grow up, and every dime you give her is impeding that process. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Should've kept my mouth shut
Top