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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 421156" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>It's very difficult to describe the whole picture of a child (obviously) when one comes here... J used to be very much more "violent" (but only with me) but after each time stressing that it is not acceptable, etc, it has all toned down. Even last night when he hit me it was like a gentle slap on my arm and also a little pinch - kind of symbolic violence. But mine was not symbolic... And I am not a fan of spanking AT ALL... I just lost it. To do with my "stuff", really. Ironically he wasn't even being that difficult before the explosion - just pushing boundaries like a normal kid. What really set him off was my taking off a gold star from his reward chart - he loves these stars and to him it symbolised something else, felt very cruel. As I was doing it I knew it was cruel and I wasn't intending that but just felt I had to have some consequence.</p><p>It is a very good idea to have a set bedtime and this I will talk about with him. We have not had this because actually bedtime is, truly, NEVER a problem. He always goes to bed like a dream when I say it is time - he is also so tired by then. When he was smaller he would sometimes just announce "I am going to bed" and do so...</p><p>I don't think J is that physically violent or aggressive. He can control it, control that impulse and I see him struggling to do so and doing so, particularly with other children. What he cannot control is his rage when he is in it - the screaming of insults, etc. He also saw my ex-husband behaving like that with me quite a few times and I have no idea whether that is an influence. I think we both have a problem with "going into the red zone" which is a concept from "Raising Your Spirited Child", a book I have found helpful. We need to establish some technique whereby he can verbalise that he is beginning to get very wound up and find ways round it...</p><p>His adoptive father and wider family, to whom he remains close, is in Morocco. He has their surname, which is very important in Moroccan culture. We go there about twice a year and J stays with him and his family (without me) for several weeks in the summer. I do have lots of time away from J, lots of opportunity to relax, see friends, etc. As for a therapist... I don't know. I know what to do with J, I have found out and reflected (a good side to the "worrying"!) on the changes necessary and some, maybe most, of the time I implement them. It has been succesful. But last night... Really it was more to do with me than J and is to do with an instinctive reaction that rises up in me in the face of his explosions... this I could, yes, usefully be talking about with someone if I found a good person. </p><p>We will have a debrief about all this this morning. I know the sensitive, responsive side of J will listen and take it in. I am ashamed of my own reaction, but I need to have compassion for it and rise to meet another day... As we all do <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 421156, member: 11227"] It's very difficult to describe the whole picture of a child (obviously) when one comes here... J used to be very much more "violent" (but only with me) but after each time stressing that it is not acceptable, etc, it has all toned down. Even last night when he hit me it was like a gentle slap on my arm and also a little pinch - kind of symbolic violence. But mine was not symbolic... And I am not a fan of spanking AT ALL... I just lost it. To do with my "stuff", really. Ironically he wasn't even being that difficult before the explosion - just pushing boundaries like a normal kid. What really set him off was my taking off a gold star from his reward chart - he loves these stars and to him it symbolised something else, felt very cruel. As I was doing it I knew it was cruel and I wasn't intending that but just felt I had to have some consequence. It is a very good idea to have a set bedtime and this I will talk about with him. We have not had this because actually bedtime is, truly, NEVER a problem. He always goes to bed like a dream when I say it is time - he is also so tired by then. When he was smaller he would sometimes just announce "I am going to bed" and do so... I don't think J is that physically violent or aggressive. He can control it, control that impulse and I see him struggling to do so and doing so, particularly with other children. What he cannot control is his rage when he is in it - the screaming of insults, etc. He also saw my ex-husband behaving like that with me quite a few times and I have no idea whether that is an influence. I think we both have a problem with "going into the red zone" which is a concept from "Raising Your Spirited Child", a book I have found helpful. We need to establish some technique whereby he can verbalise that he is beginning to get very wound up and find ways round it... His adoptive father and wider family, to whom he remains close, is in Morocco. He has their surname, which is very important in Moroccan culture. We go there about twice a year and J stays with him and his family (without me) for several weeks in the summer. I do have lots of time away from J, lots of opportunity to relax, see friends, etc. As for a therapist... I don't know. I know what to do with J, I have found out and reflected (a good side to the "worrying"!) on the changes necessary and some, maybe most, of the time I implement them. It has been succesful. But last night... Really it was more to do with me than J and is to do with an instinctive reaction that rises up in me in the face of his explosions... this I could, yes, usefully be talking about with someone if I found a good person. We will have a debrief about all this this morning. I know the sensitive, responsive side of J will listen and take it in. I am ashamed of my own reaction, but I need to have compassion for it and rise to meet another day... As we all do :-) [/QUOTE]
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