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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 421170" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Malika, I can see a few places where things went wrong. And this is not intended to be critical, just to lay it all out there, to help you see.</p><p></p><p>First - you need to really understand, I do not believe he is doing this to be brattish or deliberately disobedient. But while you perceive it this way, your resentment will flare, and you will have dramas.</p><p></p><p>Second - he clearly (to me, anyway) is having HUGE problems with transitioning. So knowing this, you now need to really help. And it won't be prefect. You can put in place every possible strategy, but especially with a younger child, transitions will be difficult and require a lot of repeated prompting. You also need to try to avoid problems before they begin. For example, any activity that is BRIEF (five minutes is too brief) needs to be avoided entirely. especially if the child is already tired. Bedtime routine is really, really important especially for those with transition problems. NEVER allow anyone to stir up a child or change his routine to something more exciting, when he is in the wind-down before bedtime. A child who is bathed and ready for bed should never be allowed to run around outside. If he does, then the whole wind-down has to start over, and it will take time. It is a major break in routine and very unsettling.</p><p>Scenario - your child is bathed, had dinner, is in pyjamas and about to clean teeth and climb into bed. Suddenly there is a knock at the door - favourite uncle has arrived, just for a few minutes. he is delivering a package or something, but takes a few minutes to have a chase around the room with the child, a tickle game and some wrestling. Then uncle leaves. Trust me - that child will now be unsettled, and bedtime suddenly a lot more difficult! And that's a easy child, not a difficult child with added problems.</p><p></p><p>Third - we have learned that rewards once earned should stay earned. Star charts work best with a difficult child when you don't take away rewards earned. The effort to earn that star is unchanged. If the child has transgressed, then clearly he does not earn another star for tat night's efforts. But to take away a star earned by good behaviour, is like saying, "It doesn't matter how well you behave, it can always be taken away later." It devalues the reward and makes it far less achievable. He will stop trying, if you do this. So not matter how bad the problems, leave the star chart alone. Let him know that the clock to earn another star just got restarted, tonight is not going to be a successful night. But don't take any away.</p><p></p><p>Fourth - he flipped out worst ,when you imposed your will, especially physically. You picked him up and carried him in. That is taking control away from him, and this sounds like a kid who has at some level a great sense of powerlessness anyway. You just reinforced it.</p><p>Scenario - I am an adult woman. I have a certain level of personal dignity and self-respect, as well as certain expectations of self-determination. But if I was walking through the mall and someone grabbed me, pinned my arms to my sides and tried to carry me off, I would be kicking, screaming, making a lot of fuss and trying to cause them as much inconvenience as I could.</p><p>To your son, you grabbing him is almost exactly the same.</p><p></p><p>There's a lot of your son that sounds like Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). A big flag for me, is an apparent inability in him to see that wanting to be in charge is not normal and not really acceptable. Also in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), they often cannot see any distinction in rank - they are the ultimate egalitarians. "Because I'm the parent and I said so, that's why," does not work on these kids. They will try it back on you, and be upset and annoyed at the unfairness of it, when it fails to work.</p><p>Example: easy child 2/difficult child 2 at age 3 or 4, wanting a glass of juice when I had said she had already had three glasses and it was time she drank a glass of water instead for a change. I poured the water for her, and she got very angry with me. Stood there, hands on hips, saying (in my tone of voice) "I said I wanted JUICE! What is wrong with you? Why don't you pay attention?" </p><p>I had to find a different way of teaching her what is appropriate and what is not - to punish her for what she said, would lead to her thinking, "How come SHE says it and I'm not allowed to?" While she continued to feel resentful, there was no chance she could actually learn to change her behaviour. I had to actively teach her that it is a fact of life that parents get the final say, purely because we have lived a lot more years and earned the right. She was not born while I was earning the right, but she needed to know, I did have that right and she needed to accept this.</p><p></p><p>Some of what you did was good - you compromised; you tried to adapt. You also gave timed warnings. The biggest problem was tat the whole time-frame was too short for tis to work, and also that bedtime routine is important because it helps a child learn to cal his mind and get ready for sleep. The process of getting ready for sleep actually takes several hours. We had to ban any physical or stimulating mental activity, in the three hours before bedtime. Some computer games were OK, bot not others. Problem-solving games that had no time limit (therefore no adrenalin component) were generally okay. But the wilder, pacier, more exciting games (even Mario Kart) are just too stimulating to play after 5 pm for a younger child. As an example.</p><p></p><p>Don't beat yourself up over it. Just note what did not work, and remember it for next time. There will be many more of these occasions. I speak from experience!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 421170, member: 1991"] Malika, I can see a few places where things went wrong. And this is not intended to be critical, just to lay it all out there, to help you see. First - you need to really understand, I do not believe he is doing this to be brattish or deliberately disobedient. But while you perceive it this way, your resentment will flare, and you will have dramas. Second - he clearly (to me, anyway) is having HUGE problems with transitioning. So knowing this, you now need to really help. And it won't be prefect. You can put in place every possible strategy, but especially with a younger child, transitions will be difficult and require a lot of repeated prompting. You also need to try to avoid problems before they begin. For example, any activity that is BRIEF (five minutes is too brief) needs to be avoided entirely. especially if the child is already tired. Bedtime routine is really, really important especially for those with transition problems. NEVER allow anyone to stir up a child or change his routine to something more exciting, when he is in the wind-down before bedtime. A child who is bathed and ready for bed should never be allowed to run around outside. If he does, then the whole wind-down has to start over, and it will take time. It is a major break in routine and very unsettling. Scenario - your child is bathed, had dinner, is in pyjamas and about to clean teeth and climb into bed. Suddenly there is a knock at the door - favourite uncle has arrived, just for a few minutes. he is delivering a package or something, but takes a few minutes to have a chase around the room with the child, a tickle game and some wrestling. Then uncle leaves. Trust me - that child will now be unsettled, and bedtime suddenly a lot more difficult! And that's a easy child, not a difficult child with added problems. Third - we have learned that rewards once earned should stay earned. Star charts work best with a difficult child when you don't take away rewards earned. The effort to earn that star is unchanged. If the child has transgressed, then clearly he does not earn another star for tat night's efforts. But to take away a star earned by good behaviour, is like saying, "It doesn't matter how well you behave, it can always be taken away later." It devalues the reward and makes it far less achievable. He will stop trying, if you do this. So not matter how bad the problems, leave the star chart alone. Let him know that the clock to earn another star just got restarted, tonight is not going to be a successful night. But don't take any away. Fourth - he flipped out worst ,when you imposed your will, especially physically. You picked him up and carried him in. That is taking control away from him, and this sounds like a kid who has at some level a great sense of powerlessness anyway. You just reinforced it. Scenario - I am an adult woman. I have a certain level of personal dignity and self-respect, as well as certain expectations of self-determination. But if I was walking through the mall and someone grabbed me, pinned my arms to my sides and tried to carry me off, I would be kicking, screaming, making a lot of fuss and trying to cause them as much inconvenience as I could. To your son, you grabbing him is almost exactly the same. There's a lot of your son that sounds like Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). A big flag for me, is an apparent inability in him to see that wanting to be in charge is not normal and not really acceptable. Also in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), they often cannot see any distinction in rank - they are the ultimate egalitarians. "Because I'm the parent and I said so, that's why," does not work on these kids. They will try it back on you, and be upset and annoyed at the unfairness of it, when it fails to work. Example: easy child 2/difficult child 2 at age 3 or 4, wanting a glass of juice when I had said she had already had three glasses and it was time she drank a glass of water instead for a change. I poured the water for her, and she got very angry with me. Stood there, hands on hips, saying (in my tone of voice) "I said I wanted JUICE! What is wrong with you? Why don't you pay attention?" I had to find a different way of teaching her what is appropriate and what is not - to punish her for what she said, would lead to her thinking, "How come SHE says it and I'm not allowed to?" While she continued to feel resentful, there was no chance she could actually learn to change her behaviour. I had to actively teach her that it is a fact of life that parents get the final say, purely because we have lived a lot more years and earned the right. She was not born while I was earning the right, but she needed to know, I did have that right and she needed to accept this. Some of what you did was good - you compromised; you tried to adapt. You also gave timed warnings. The biggest problem was tat the whole time-frame was too short for tis to work, and also that bedtime routine is important because it helps a child learn to cal his mind and get ready for sleep. The process of getting ready for sleep actually takes several hours. We had to ban any physical or stimulating mental activity, in the three hours before bedtime. Some computer games were OK, bot not others. Problem-solving games that had no time limit (therefore no adrenalin component) were generally okay. But the wilder, pacier, more exciting games (even Mario Kart) are just too stimulating to play after 5 pm for a younger child. As an example. Don't beat yourself up over it. Just note what did not work, and remember it for next time. There will be many more of these occasions. I speak from experience! Marg [/QUOTE]
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