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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 421461" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>t's great that you have come to the board and asked for help. That is really good. And your resistance to labeling your little boy a difficult child may be right on the mark. It's hard for us to know and we will each bring our own perspective to your posts/problems that will lead us each to see in your child what we see in our own. That doesn't make those perceptions right or wrong. It just gives you more info to work with.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, I have some thoughts for you, some of which repeat what others have said.</p><p></p><p>If you don't have a set bedtime routine you need to create one and hold to it. If you both know what order things happen in at such a major transition in his day then it is likely to reduce conflict and prevent situations like the one you describe. You cannot get "loose" and allow yourself to drop the routine because it will set you and him up for this kind of conflict. If possible you need routines set up through out the day that are fairly rigid so your days are predictable. Get up at 8 am, have breakfast, have a bath, play inside for an hour, go for a walk for an hour, eat lunch, take a nap or quiet time for an hour, mommy reads to him for 30 minutes, you sing songs and play with other kids for an hour - whatever. You get the idea. You both need a schedule like most young children do - but you will probably need to be more careful to hold to the schedule despite potential distractions like the new toys.</p><p></p><p>I am going to be blunt here.</p><p></p><p><strong>You need to find a therapist for yourself.</strong> </p><p></p><p>It's not OK for you to lose it and slap a 4 yo hard because he is yelling schoolyard curses at you - even if he spits at you although I can completely understand why that in particular should cause you to react so strongly. Because you apparently have been in a violent or emotionally abusive relationship in the past you need to resolve certain issues left over from that (or underlying your vulnerability to an abusive relationship) with a therapist - and not let them spill over into your parenting if that is what is happening. </p><p></p><p>Your initial description of your son's behavior made it sound like he was tearing at your hair, spitting in your eye and being extremely physically violent. Your later description of this as "token" violence is puzzling. Either you moved into denial about the seriousness of his behavior or your initial description was way off the mark. Either way I think you need some outside help managing your own perceptions and feelings before your son gets any bigger. For his sake, if not for your own.</p><p></p><p>If he has witnessed physical or emotional abuse of you as a young child that can be the same as having been abused himself in terms of the effect it can have on his development. If you have not consulted a child therapist about this specific thing and asked about getting him into play therapy for this then I think you need to do that as well.</p><p></p><p>The child therapist can help to educate you about what is "normal" behavior for a 4 yo and what is not. This is important info for you because some of the things you are saying sound like you are attributing a level of thinking to him that is not developmentally appropriate and that your parenting is based on those assumptions. It is a rare 4 yo who will not physically resist being picked up and hauled off to bed when he has been allowed to get excited and play right up to the last minute before bed. The degree of your son's reaction may be more than normal but the basic reaction is not (at least not in my experience).</p><p></p><p>I realize that the approach to parenting in France is different than here in the US. But some things are universal I think - including your authority as parent. You cannot be his friend but must be his parent. You make decisions and you tell him about them. With exceptions like whether he wears the red shirt or the blue shirt or plays with the truck or the ball, you should be deciding what will happen when and how and then telling him of your decision. An egalitarian approach may work for most kids there in France (though I doubt it). Regardless, it does not seem to be working for you with this child at this moment. </p><p></p><p>You should not be negotiating about bedtime or his routine or even doing a lot of explaining. You should not be asking him whether he will agree to go to bed at 8 without a fuss, you should not be telling him you got scared (think for a minute about how this might make him feel - he can't count on the one adult in his life to not be scared of him?) or asking him why he has done this or that thing. These are not developmentally appropriate things to do with a 4 yo. He does not have the brain development to allow him to function in an adult manner and your descriptions make it sound like you think he can. You are wrong and your expectations and beliefs about this seem to me to be at least as big a problem for you as his actual behavior.</p><p></p><p>You will have to get past worrying about what the neighbors think. Most people will not think you are a horrible mother because you have a 4 yo who is throwing temper tantrums (as far as they are concerned that's what this is) when it's bed time. </p><p></p><p>They are much more likely to have a problem with you slapping him though. I know you feel bad about that and I'm not criticizing. Did that a time or two myself when my kids were little and always (still) wish I had not done it. But it is an important sign that you need help. Please do not dismiss it or make light of it. Pay attention to signals like that.</p><p></p><p>As others have said, with a kid who has anger issues, to use physical punishment is to provoke more anger and to teach that a physical reaction to anger is acceptable. It may work with some kids (though I doubt it) but with a kid who is wired to react physically you are only reinforcing that tendency. </p><p></p><p>Patricia</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 421461, member: 7948"] t's great that you have come to the board and asked for help. That is really good. And your resistance to labeling your little boy a difficult child may be right on the mark. It's hard for us to know and we will each bring our own perspective to your posts/problems that will lead us each to see in your child what we see in our own. That doesn't make those perceptions right or wrong. It just gives you more info to work with. Anyway, I have some thoughts for you, some of which repeat what others have said. If you don't have a set bedtime routine you need to create one and hold to it. If you both know what order things happen in at such a major transition in his day then it is likely to reduce conflict and prevent situations like the one you describe. You cannot get "loose" and allow yourself to drop the routine because it will set you and him up for this kind of conflict. If possible you need routines set up through out the day that are fairly rigid so your days are predictable. Get up at 8 am, have breakfast, have a bath, play inside for an hour, go for a walk for an hour, eat lunch, take a nap or quiet time for an hour, mommy reads to him for 30 minutes, you sing songs and play with other kids for an hour - whatever. You get the idea. You both need a schedule like most young children do - but you will probably need to be more careful to hold to the schedule despite potential distractions like the new toys. I am going to be blunt here. [B]You need to find a therapist for yourself.[/B] It's not OK for you to lose it and slap a 4 yo hard because he is yelling schoolyard curses at you - even if he spits at you although I can completely understand why that in particular should cause you to react so strongly. Because you apparently have been in a violent or emotionally abusive relationship in the past you need to resolve certain issues left over from that (or underlying your vulnerability to an abusive relationship) with a therapist - and not let them spill over into your parenting if that is what is happening. Your initial description of your son's behavior made it sound like he was tearing at your hair, spitting in your eye and being extremely physically violent. Your later description of this as "token" violence is puzzling. Either you moved into denial about the seriousness of his behavior or your initial description was way off the mark. Either way I think you need some outside help managing your own perceptions and feelings before your son gets any bigger. For his sake, if not for your own. If he has witnessed physical or emotional abuse of you as a young child that can be the same as having been abused himself in terms of the effect it can have on his development. If you have not consulted a child therapist about this specific thing and asked about getting him into play therapy for this then I think you need to do that as well. The child therapist can help to educate you about what is "normal" behavior for a 4 yo and what is not. This is important info for you because some of the things you are saying sound like you are attributing a level of thinking to him that is not developmentally appropriate and that your parenting is based on those assumptions. It is a rare 4 yo who will not physically resist being picked up and hauled off to bed when he has been allowed to get excited and play right up to the last minute before bed. The degree of your son's reaction may be more than normal but the basic reaction is not (at least not in my experience). I realize that the approach to parenting in France is different than here in the US. But some things are universal I think - including your authority as parent. You cannot be his friend but must be his parent. You make decisions and you tell him about them. With exceptions like whether he wears the red shirt or the blue shirt or plays with the truck or the ball, you should be deciding what will happen when and how and then telling him of your decision. An egalitarian approach may work for most kids there in France (though I doubt it). Regardless, it does not seem to be working for you with this child at this moment. You should not be negotiating about bedtime or his routine or even doing a lot of explaining. You should not be asking him whether he will agree to go to bed at 8 without a fuss, you should not be telling him you got scared (think for a minute about how this might make him feel - he can't count on the one adult in his life to not be scared of him?) or asking him why he has done this or that thing. These are not developmentally appropriate things to do with a 4 yo. He does not have the brain development to allow him to function in an adult manner and your descriptions make it sound like you think he can. You are wrong and your expectations and beliefs about this seem to me to be at least as big a problem for you as his actual behavior. You will have to get past worrying about what the neighbors think. Most people will not think you are a horrible mother because you have a 4 yo who is throwing temper tantrums (as far as they are concerned that's what this is) when it's bed time. They are much more likely to have a problem with you slapping him though. I know you feel bad about that and I'm not criticizing. Did that a time or two myself when my kids were little and always (still) wish I had not done it. But it is an important sign that you need help. Please do not dismiss it or make light of it. Pay attention to signals like that. As others have said, with a kid who has anger issues, to use physical punishment is to provoke more anger and to teach that a physical reaction to anger is acceptable. It may work with some kids (though I doubt it) but with a kid who is wired to react physically you are only reinforcing that tendency. Patricia [/QUOTE]
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