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Significant others of our kids, difficult and not
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 690701" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>When he would go to China, he would be received as a wealthy, powerful male who prefers their culture. With that kind of welcome, it would be as though his parents' deaths had never happened, SWOT. Through the wife, Gone Boy can reclaim the status of cherished son, in that male dominated culture where family connection means everything. Would the situation be different if Gone Boy had been female, I wonder. I believe that it would. A woman would have been received differently. For an orphan child to be valued for the very things his early life will have taught him would never be possible for him <em>in that Chinese culture</em> <em>where family defines us</em>...maybe that explains why he does what he does, SWOT?</p><p></p><p>That, and the fact that the daughter of Christian missionaries (!) sits on Gone Boy's lap<em> when his mother is in the room</em>. You were right in your initial perception that Gone Boy's wife held an intention from the beginning to separate Gone Boy from his family. What kinds of conflicts were being set up between you and your son because of the immediacy of that warm female bottom on his lap?</p><p></p><p>I think you are right SWOT in loving Gone Boy for the child he was, and in keeping that child in your heart. I know you suffer for his absence.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, there isn't anything more we can do.</p><p></p><p>That we can find and remember and cherish that we love someone, whatever they are doing to us and whoever they turned themselves into once they were gone from us...I don't see any harm to any of us in our choice to see in this way. When someone rejects us, the hardest part of that experience is understanding who we are, now that the rejection happened. That the person first contemplating and then, carrying out the rejection (or, in my case, the abusive incident) meant it, and means it.</p><p></p><p>They might have chosen a thousand other decencies. Instead, they chose to do what they did.</p><p></p><p>Right up close and personal.</p><p></p><p>How do we incorporate that without condemning either the victimizer or ourselves? A beginning understanding would be: Do not <em>fear</em> rejection.</p><p></p><p>Do not fear it.</p><p></p><p>To remember our children when they were children, or, for me, to remember my people when I did not know what I know now ~ to remember a time when thinking about them brought joy ~ I think that is the right thing to do, for us. For ourselves, I mean.</p><p></p><p>This thread has called so many emotions I did not realize were there inside me so strongly.</p><p></p><p>But I really like that choice to love from another time. If we are not seeing our person(s) we love, as you are not seeing Gone Boy and I am not seeing anyone...loving them, and loving ourselves in our time with them, can help us.</p><p></p><p>I see that, now.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for this thread, SWOT.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 690701, member: 17461"] When he would go to China, he would be received as a wealthy, powerful male who prefers their culture. With that kind of welcome, it would be as though his parents' deaths had never happened, SWOT. Through the wife, Gone Boy can reclaim the status of cherished son, in that male dominated culture where family connection means everything. Would the situation be different if Gone Boy had been female, I wonder. I believe that it would. A woman would have been received differently. For an orphan child to be valued for the very things his early life will have taught him would never be possible for him [I]in that Chinese culture[/I] [I]where family defines us[/I]...maybe that explains why he does what he does, SWOT? That, and the fact that the daughter of Christian missionaries (!) sits on Gone Boy's lap[I] when his mother is in the room[/I]. You were right in your initial perception that Gone Boy's wife held an intention from the beginning to separate Gone Boy from his family. What kinds of conflicts were being set up between you and your son because of the immediacy of that warm female bottom on his lap? I think you are right SWOT in loving Gone Boy for the child he was, and in keeping that child in your heart. I know you suffer for his absence. Sometimes, there isn't anything more we can do. That we can find and remember and cherish that we love someone, whatever they are doing to us and whoever they turned themselves into once they were gone from us...I don't see any harm to any of us in our choice to see in this way. When someone rejects us, the hardest part of that experience is understanding who we are, now that the rejection happened. That the person first contemplating and then, carrying out the rejection (or, in my case, the abusive incident) meant it, and means it. They might have chosen a thousand other decencies. Instead, they chose to do what they did. Right up close and personal. How do we incorporate that without condemning either the victimizer or ourselves? A beginning understanding would be: Do not [I]fear[/I] rejection. Do not fear it. To remember our children when they were children, or, for me, to remember my people when I did not know what I know now ~ to remember a time when thinking about them brought joy ~ I think that is the right thing to do, for us. For ourselves, I mean. This thread has called so many emotions I did not realize were there inside me so strongly. But I really like that choice to love from another time. If we are not seeing our person(s) we love, as you are not seeing Gone Boy and I am not seeing anyone...loving them, and loving ourselves in our time with them, can help us. I see that, now. Thank you for this thread, SWOT. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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