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Silent treatment
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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 758698" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>Newstart, I feel your pain and you sound like you're punishing yourself for not communicating with your daughter. If I can add a different perspective to this it would be that you are not giving her the silent treatment, you are setting up boundaries to protect yourself. Remember a boundary doesn't have to be permanent nor does it have to be a wall. It can be a bridge or whatever helps you envision making this space you've created for yourself a healthy and peaceful place to heal. Also, a boundary doesn't have to be forever. For several years I would not let my two homeless (off and on again) sons into my home. For several reasons. I knew my heart couldn't bear to put them out when it was time to go. Also, I couldn't let them in because of their verbal abuse and blatent disrespect towards me.</p><p></p><p>Don't get me wrong. There was plenty of the "FOG" (fear, obligation and guilt) that went with my boundary but as time went on and their old bad behaviors kept rearing their ugly heads, I knew I made the right decision. It allowed me to see them on mutual turf and allowed me to leave them at a moments notice if I needed to. It was my "safety net" that I created to care for myself and allow myself to calm my nerves and not be so anxious all the time.</p><p></p><p>Fast forward 3 1/2 yrs. later, believe it or not I have only recently allowed them in for dinner and/or a cup of coffee with explicit notice that neither one (as harsh as it sounds) of them will ever live with me again. They have a long way to go but I only did this because they have begun to make improvements for themselves. They have taken the long hard winding road but as long as I see some light at the end of this road, I'm happy to wait for them.</p><p></p><p>Just remember it's not selfish to care for yourself. We mother's have a hard time with that.</p><p></p><p>I would suggest you get some good books on setting boundaries...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 758698, member: 23405"] Newstart, I feel your pain and you sound like you're punishing yourself for not communicating with your daughter. If I can add a different perspective to this it would be that you are not giving her the silent treatment, you are setting up boundaries to protect yourself. Remember a boundary doesn't have to be permanent nor does it have to be a wall. It can be a bridge or whatever helps you envision making this space you've created for yourself a healthy and peaceful place to heal. Also, a boundary doesn't have to be forever. For several years I would not let my two homeless (off and on again) sons into my home. For several reasons. I knew my heart couldn't bear to put them out when it was time to go. Also, I couldn't let them in because of their verbal abuse and blatent disrespect towards me. Don't get me wrong. There was plenty of the "FOG" (fear, obligation and guilt) that went with my boundary but as time went on and their old bad behaviors kept rearing their ugly heads, I knew I made the right decision. It allowed me to see them on mutual turf and allowed me to leave them at a moments notice if I needed to. It was my "safety net" that I created to care for myself and allow myself to calm my nerves and not be so anxious all the time. Fast forward 3 1/2 yrs. later, believe it or not I have only recently allowed them in for dinner and/or a cup of coffee with explicit notice that neither one (as harsh as it sounds) of them will ever live with me again. They have a long way to go but I only did this because they have begun to make improvements for themselves. They have taken the long hard winding road but as long as I see some light at the end of this road, I'm happy to wait for them. Just remember it's not selfish to care for yourself. We mother's have a hard time with that. I would suggest you get some good books on setting boundaries... [/QUOTE]
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