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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 758700" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Newstart. I am following along here. I wish I had more time to post but I wanted to second what JP is saying here.</p><p></p><p>It seems as if your center of gravity is still located in your daughter, not in you. You may be interpreting all of this in terms of how she will feel, how she could feel, instead of what you need and how YOU feel.</p><p></p><p>As long as you and I evaluate our actions, decisions, and even welfare based upon some hypothetical effect on them we will remain lost to ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Your actions are based upon what you need for right now. Your intention is not to cause harm or hurt. Your intention as I read it is to protect yourself from harm so as to begin to heal. Your daughter has a choice about how to respond to this. Unfortunately our kids have learned to masterfully manipulate us. They may cast themselves as victims and martyrs, in order to continue to have the advantage. And like well-trained monkeys sometimes we can accuse ourselves as having done this to them, too. </p><p></p><p>I let my son stay here last week. I made simple limits due to social isolating which he did not like. For one, I don't want you to cook in my space. His response? <em>So you're throwing me out on the street again. </em>Even though I know better I felt like a perpetrator. While I did not backslide, he was able to interpret my reaction to him as a <em>yes</em>. And what did he do? Let himself into my part of the house and cook his salmon on the stove when I had asked him not to. He intuited my weakening, and he plunged in beyond any boundary.</p><p></p><p>On some level I have taught my son that I don't have any legitmate boundaries. Or none that he need observe as valid. Maybe this is something deep inside of me. That I have made true. That I am not worthy to protecct myself. But I am. And so are you. All of us are worthy.</p><p></p><p>This is why we need firm, firm boundaries, at least at first. Even when we know rationally what we must do (like coronavirus), our hearts and deep thoughts, may not so convinced of the legitimacy of our needs, of what we deserve. And our children, twist their long knives there, in that soft spot. And worse than that, we can do it to ourselves, too. At least I do.</p><p></p><p>When these thoughts come up in us, Newstart, we are called upon to be good mothers to ourselves, first and foremost. Absent that, I am good for nobody.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 758700, member: 18958"] Newstart. I am following along here. I wish I had more time to post but I wanted to second what JP is saying here. It seems as if your center of gravity is still located in your daughter, not in you. You may be interpreting all of this in terms of how she will feel, how she could feel, instead of what you need and how YOU feel. As long as you and I evaluate our actions, decisions, and even welfare based upon some hypothetical effect on them we will remain lost to ourselves. Your actions are based upon what you need for right now. Your intention is not to cause harm or hurt. Your intention as I read it is to protect yourself from harm so as to begin to heal. Your daughter has a choice about how to respond to this. Unfortunately our kids have learned to masterfully manipulate us. They may cast themselves as victims and martyrs, in order to continue to have the advantage. And like well-trained monkeys sometimes we can accuse ourselves as having done this to them, too. I let my son stay here last week. I made simple limits due to social isolating which he did not like. For one, I don't want you to cook in my space. His response? [I]So you're throwing me out on the street again. [/I]Even though I know better I felt like a perpetrator. While I did not backslide, he was able to interpret my reaction to him as a [I]yes[/I]. And what did he do? Let himself into my part of the house and cook his salmon on the stove when I had asked him not to. He intuited my weakening, and he plunged in beyond any boundary. On some level I have taught my son that I don't have any legitmate boundaries. Or none that he need observe as valid. Maybe this is something deep inside of me. That I have made true. That I am not worthy to protecct myself. But I am. And so are you. All of us are worthy. This is why we need firm, firm boundaries, at least at first. Even when we know rationally what we must do (like coronavirus), our hearts and deep thoughts, may not so convinced of the legitimacy of our needs, of what we deserve. And our children, twist their long knives there, in that soft spot. And worse than that, we can do it to ourselves, too. At least I do. When these thoughts come up in us, Newstart, we are called upon to be good mothers to ourselves, first and foremost. Absent that, I am good for nobody. [/QUOTE]
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