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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 665573" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>A blogsite based on John Bradshaw's <u>Healing the Shame That Binds You.</u></p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.strugglinghero.com/healing-toxic-shame-how-do-i-get-rid-of-it-part-two/" target="_blank">http://www.strugglinghero.com/healing-toxic-shame-how-do-i-get-rid-of-it-part-two/</a></p><p></p><p>One of the six exercises described has to do with rewriting the episodes of toxic shaming that haunt us. On the theory that we retruamatize each time we relive it because the brain does not know it is not happening in the present, so we can rewrite it, replacing the shaming even with a new and healthier perspective.</p><p></p><p>So, I will post some sites like that for us today.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Okay. So, back to self-betrayal.</p><p></p><p>That's why it happens. That's how it can feel right to us to betray ourselves. That core of responsibility and the shame response that is the only way we know how to address anything that happens to us. That is why we are afraid to relax around our FOO. </p><p></p><p>Because at some level we knew, all along.</p><p></p><p>Our mothers, the adults in our lives, should have been teaching us that good and bad things happen to everyone. That our job is to do better the next time; to learn from whatever it was this time and let go of it.</p><p></p><p>They should have been helping us with those things, helping us to understand that sometimes, people do really rotten things, but that what they do has nothing to do with who we are, or with what we wore that day, or with what we did or did not say. But they didn't.</p><p></p><p>Why not, I wonder?</p><p></p><p>Are they universally bad people, or did they just not know. Did we not go to them with these shaming things that happened to us? </p><p></p><p>I don't know. But as regards the way I have been thinking about FOO since we were all talking about Christmas memories...I am truly, really not responsible for what is happening in FOO now. </p><p></p><p>They really are fully capable adults, making choices they are aware of.</p><p></p><p>It isn't that they don't know. It isn't that they can't see the awfulness of condemning your own sister because you "walk with the Lord".</p><p></p><p>I am coming around to your point of view on this one too, Serenity. They do know. They are choosing. Every choice has to do with targeting me. I can stop asking why, because I am not the one who creates these FOO messes.</p><p></p><p>Why doesn't matter. I am never going to fix it.</p><p></p><p>Just like D H says: "I was here. I saw. I know what you were thinking going in, and I saw what transpired. And it was crazy stuff. I don't know why they do what they do. I don't care. I am glad they are not here, doing it now."</p><p></p><p>And finally: "Cedar. Your mother hung up on you. You did not hang up on her."</p><p></p><p>In essence: You not only did not cause what is now, but you do not <em>have</em> the power to change it.</p><p></p><p>He was right, all along.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>It's that core shame/responsibility thing. That is why I feel badly. That is why I think I should fight for something that was so outrageously wrong, right from the beginning.</p><p></p><p>I keep thinking I "should" be able to do something about it.</p><p></p><p>About everything in my whole life, all of my life.</p><p></p><p>Well, who knew.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 665573, member: 17461"] A blogsite based on John Bradshaw's [U]Healing the Shame That Binds You.[/U] [URL]http://www.strugglinghero.com/healing-toxic-shame-how-do-i-get-rid-of-it-part-two/[/URL] One of the six exercises described has to do with rewriting the episodes of toxic shaming that haunt us. On the theory that we retruamatize each time we relive it because the brain does not know it is not happening in the present, so we can rewrite it, replacing the shaming even with a new and healthier perspective. So, I will post some sites like that for us today. *** Okay. So, back to self-betrayal. That's why it happens. That's how it can feel right to us to betray ourselves. That core of responsibility and the shame response that is the only way we know how to address anything that happens to us. That is why we are afraid to relax around our FOO. Because at some level we knew, all along. Our mothers, the adults in our lives, should have been teaching us that good and bad things happen to everyone. That our job is to do better the next time; to learn from whatever it was this time and let go of it. They should have been helping us with those things, helping us to understand that sometimes, people do really rotten things, but that what they do has nothing to do with who we are, or with what we wore that day, or with what we did or did not say. But they didn't. Why not, I wonder? Are they universally bad people, or did they just not know. Did we not go to them with these shaming things that happened to us? I don't know. But as regards the way I have been thinking about FOO since we were all talking about Christmas memories...I am truly, really not responsible for what is happening in FOO now. They really are fully capable adults, making choices they are aware of. It isn't that they don't know. It isn't that they can't see the awfulness of condemning your own sister because you "walk with the Lord". I am coming around to your point of view on this one too, Serenity. They do know. They are choosing. Every choice has to do with targeting me. I can stop asking why, because I am not the one who creates these FOO messes. Why doesn't matter. I am never going to fix it. Just like D H says: "I was here. I saw. I know what you were thinking going in, and I saw what transpired. And it was crazy stuff. I don't know why they do what they do. I don't care. I am glad they are not here, doing it now." And finally: "Cedar. Your mother hung up on you. You did not hang up on her." In essence: You not only did not cause what is now, but you do not [I]have[/I] the power to change it. He was right, all along. Huh. It's that core shame/responsibility thing. That is why I feel badly. That is why I think I should fight for something that was so outrageously wrong, right from the beginning. I keep thinking I "should" be able to do something about it. About everything in my whole life, all of my life. Well, who knew. Huh. [/QUOTE]
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