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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 665692" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>That is how son is, too. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Soon now, you will be moving through whatever you will do next in that way, Copa. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Our sisters are similar in this, too. Remember my posting about my sister telling him to just sit there on the sofa? And he did it! </p><p></p><p>And oh yes, Copa. He will have been very strictly aligned against you.</p><p></p><p>She will have seen to it.</p><p></p><p>I think the husbands are uncomfortable in that role, as they begin to see the differences between what they were told and who we are.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>D H never tells me until later what he knew, all along.</p><p></p><p>It's extremely disconcerting.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>It is interesting to unravel the why behind our fear of vulnerability. It is amazing, to find the depths, the willingness to wait it through with and for us and for our sakes, in the men we love.</p><p></p><p>Humbling.</p><p></p><p>It's like falling in love for the first time.</p><p></p><p>Which, I suppose, is what it is.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>In the past, I had been through so many changes having to do with son's trade. It is only recently, as the shame piece is falling apart for me, that I have been able to see that what he does is extraordinary. He knows what he's doing. He does it well. He is as likely to tell the employer to stick his job as not. He will not stay for the money.</p><p></p><p>Ever.</p><p></p><p>He will stay to learn, or to teach, or to complete a job that is <em>his.</em> He sends pictures of pieces he is especially proud of.</p><p></p><p>But. In response to all that lovely information you posted for me?</p><p></p><p>Son instructs me that if I am willing to send $50,000 he will do it.</p><p></p><p>He says that is what it costs to begin as a contractor. That it is not just the licensing, but the cost of doing business until you are in business, and establish a reputation, and begin making money.</p><p></p><p>He must know what he is talking about. Though certainly neither you nor I thought about it that way, I think he was offended. </p><p></p><p>*** That is okay. I am his mom. ***</p><p></p><p>That is how I saw it Copa, before I saw how son saw.</p><p></p><p>He <em>was</em> offended.</p><p></p><p>I will apologize to him, Copa. I thought I was the one who should be offended when I read his response. Now, I see the arrogance in responding as I did. Now, writing it out for you, I can see where he might have felt I was disparaging him. </p><p></p><p>Now? I see it so clearly, Copa. I'm embarrassed.</p><p></p><p>I just sent him the same things I posted here about the book I was reviewing for my Book Club tonight. Like nothing happened. </p><p></p><p>I will apologize to him after I complete this post.</p><p></p><p>How cool I could see it this way, Copa. I was really quite miffed that he was not pleased. I thought he was being cranky about the $50,000. I was all set to wonder whether buying the information he needed would be enabling or not. I was like, oh, you difficult child, you.</p><p></p><p>For heaven's sake.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is what I will do with my son. No wonder he doesn't talk to me sometimes.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is how son is, too. I will keep my mouth quiet too. Even in my thoughts, I will stop thinking he should be something better. He is a good man.</p><p></p><p>I could only see that he threw himself away because he didn't go to school; because he hadn't become who I wanted my son to be.</p><p></p><p>I'm ashamed of myself for thinking that way about my own child. Talk about arrogance!</p><p></p><p>It must be difficult to be my son.</p><p></p><p>I always blame him for everything, and never have seen my part in it, before.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>I will think about that. About how to not think about him like that.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Copa. This new insight regarding my thinking will help me in my relationship to my son. And probably in my whole life. I really do need to stop seeing him as a little boy or an adolescent. What a sad thing, to know your mom does not respect you as a man. Well, and the sneaky truth is that I am not seeing the good things in the man he is, but only the things I don't like about how he has managed himself in his life.</p><p></p><p>This is so horribly true a thing, Copa. Someone told me once that a mutual friend of hers and my son had named their son after mine. I was flabbergasted.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Copa.</p><p></p><p>How embarrassing for me. I must be like my mom in that way, in that contemptuous way that I see him. I am horrified at myself. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 665692, member: 17461"] That is how son is, too. Soon now, you will be moving through whatever you will do next in that way, Copa. Our sisters are similar in this, too. Remember my posting about my sister telling him to just sit there on the sofa? And he did it! And oh yes, Copa. He will have been very strictly aligned against you. She will have seen to it. I think the husbands are uncomfortable in that role, as they begin to see the differences between what they were told and who we are. D H never tells me until later what he knew, all along. It's extremely disconcerting. :O) It is interesting to unravel the why behind our fear of vulnerability. It is amazing, to find the depths, the willingness to wait it through with and for us and for our sakes, in the men we love. Humbling. It's like falling in love for the first time. Which, I suppose, is what it is. In the past, I had been through so many changes having to do with son's trade. It is only recently, as the shame piece is falling apart for me, that I have been able to see that what he does is extraordinary. He knows what he's doing. He does it well. He is as likely to tell the employer to stick his job as not. He will not stay for the money. Ever. He will stay to learn, or to teach, or to complete a job that is [I]his.[/I] He sends pictures of pieces he is especially proud of. But. In response to all that lovely information you posted for me? Son instructs me that if I am willing to send $50,000 he will do it. He says that is what it costs to begin as a contractor. That it is not just the licensing, but the cost of doing business until you are in business, and establish a reputation, and begin making money. He must know what he is talking about. Though certainly neither you nor I thought about it that way, I think he was offended. *** That is okay. I am his mom. *** That is how I saw it Copa, before I saw how son saw. He [I]was[/I] offended. I will apologize to him, Copa. I thought I was the one who should be offended when I read his response. Now, I see the arrogance in responding as I did. Now, writing it out for you, I can see where he might have felt I was disparaging him. Now? I see it so clearly, Copa. I'm embarrassed. I just sent him the same things I posted here about the book I was reviewing for my Book Club tonight. Like nothing happened. I will apologize to him after I complete this post. How cool I could see it this way, Copa. I was really quite miffed that he was not pleased. I thought he was being cranky about the $50,000. I was all set to wonder whether buying the information he needed would be enabling or not. I was like, oh, you difficult child, you. For heaven's sake. That is what I will do with my son. No wonder he doesn't talk to me sometimes. That is how son is, too. I will keep my mouth quiet too. Even in my thoughts, I will stop thinking he should be something better. He is a good man. I could only see that he threw himself away because he didn't go to school; because he hadn't become who I wanted my son to be. I'm ashamed of myself for thinking that way about my own child. Talk about arrogance! It must be difficult to be my son. I always blame him for everything, and never have seen my part in it, before. Huh. I will think about that. About how to not think about him like that. Thank you, Copa. This new insight regarding my thinking will help me in my relationship to my son. And probably in my whole life. I really do need to stop seeing him as a little boy or an adolescent. What a sad thing, to know your mom does not respect you as a man. Well, and the sneaky truth is that I am not seeing the good things in the man he is, but only the things I don't like about how he has managed himself in his life. This is so horribly true a thing, Copa. Someone told me once that a mutual friend of hers and my son had named their son after mine. I was flabbergasted. Thank you, Copa. How embarrassing for me. I must be like my mom in that way, in that contemptuous way that I see him. I am horrified at myself. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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