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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 673727" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Mili and welcome to the forum. You have come to a good place. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think the straight out writing of this says a lot of good things about you. You know exactly what is going on with your son and with yourselves, and that kind of inward honesty is so good when we're faced with situations like the ones we struggle with here. That is the first thing that struck me in reading your post. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to lose a child (I have two sons as well, and I'm just a very few years younger than you are), and I can so understand how it would be EVEN HARDER to draw the line with the second son. Of course you enabled him and that is understandable. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You sound like you're sick and tired of it all. Mili, that is a good place for us to get to. It feels awful, but it is progress on our own journeys, and what we do (mainly what we don't do) gives them a chance to change, for the first time in a long time. They **may not** change anytime soon or at all, but once we get the strength to step back, there is room and air and space for them to do something new with their lives, because we aren't standing there with the safety net in our hands to save them yet again from their own choices, actions and decisions.</p><p></p><p>As I am sure you know, addicts and alcoholics have a #1 focus and that is their drug or their drink. They will do and say and use anybody to get it, because the addiction has a firm hold on them. Until THEY get sick and tired enough of their own lives, nothing will change.</p><p></p><p>That is where the change in us comes in. If we can gain the strength to set new boundaries and stick to them for a period of time (often a very very long time), and do it with kindness (that way they can't and don't focus on our behavior, because there's nothing to focus on...we have been kind as we said No over and over again), often we will start to see change.</p><p></p><p>In my case, it took me setting very strong physical boundaries about phone calls, text messages, visits to my home, FB messages and any other communication from my son. It took me stopping it all. I had to stop hiring lawyers, balling him out of jail, saying yes to his request for money---this especially---I had to "let" him live on the street, stay in jail, be reduced to a person carrying a backpack down the street with nowhere to go...I had to learn how to do that, because I can tell you it doesn't feel natural at all. It isn't something a Mother ever wants to have to do.</p><p></p><p>But it is necessary. I worked so hard, Mili. I studied recovery like I studied for a college course. I went to Al-Anon meetings, got a sponsor, read books, wrote in a journal, had daily practices liking writing a gratitude list...on and on and on. I worked hard to change myself, and over time, I did change myself and then I was able to stand more firm with my son. </p><p></p><p>I hope you can find the strength to do this as well because I truly believe that our sons deserve that kind of love. The kind of love that says "No more." You are going to use me no more. You are not going to subject our relationship to the kind of behavior we have come to, after these years. We are more than this. You are more than this. And starting right now, things are changing.</p><p></p><p>You don't have to change it all overnight, Mili. Go slow, and take your time. Two books you can get right now---Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend and CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie---are great and will give you a lot of good strength. Start going to Al-Anon if you don't already. It is wonderful.</p><p></p><p>We're here for you. This forum is another tool. Use it as much as you need to. Read and write here, and there will be a lot of good, caring support for you. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs tonight. We do understand.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 673727, member: 17542"] Hi Mili and welcome to the forum. You have come to a good place. I think the straight out writing of this says a lot of good things about you. You know exactly what is going on with your son and with yourselves, and that kind of inward honesty is so good when we're faced with situations like the ones we struggle with here. That is the first thing that struck me in reading your post. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to lose a child (I have two sons as well, and I'm just a very few years younger than you are), and I can so understand how it would be EVEN HARDER to draw the line with the second son. Of course you enabled him and that is understandable. You sound like you're sick and tired of it all. Mili, that is a good place for us to get to. It feels awful, but it is progress on our own journeys, and what we do (mainly what we don't do) gives them a chance to change, for the first time in a long time. They **may not** change anytime soon or at all, but once we get the strength to step back, there is room and air and space for them to do something new with their lives, because we aren't standing there with the safety net in our hands to save them yet again from their own choices, actions and decisions. As I am sure you know, addicts and alcoholics have a #1 focus and that is their drug or their drink. They will do and say and use anybody to get it, because the addiction has a firm hold on them. Until THEY get sick and tired enough of their own lives, nothing will change. That is where the change in us comes in. If we can gain the strength to set new boundaries and stick to them for a period of time (often a very very long time), and do it with kindness (that way they can't and don't focus on our behavior, because there's nothing to focus on...we have been kind as we said No over and over again), often we will start to see change. In my case, it took me setting very strong physical boundaries about phone calls, text messages, visits to my home, FB messages and any other communication from my son. It took me stopping it all. I had to stop hiring lawyers, balling him out of jail, saying yes to his request for money---this especially---I had to "let" him live on the street, stay in jail, be reduced to a person carrying a backpack down the street with nowhere to go...I had to learn how to do that, because I can tell you it doesn't feel natural at all. It isn't something a Mother ever wants to have to do. But it is necessary. I worked so hard, Mili. I studied recovery like I studied for a college course. I went to Al-Anon meetings, got a sponsor, read books, wrote in a journal, had daily practices liking writing a gratitude list...on and on and on. I worked hard to change myself, and over time, I did change myself and then I was able to stand more firm with my son. I hope you can find the strength to do this as well because I truly believe that our sons deserve that kind of love. The kind of love that says "No more." You are going to use me no more. You are not going to subject our relationship to the kind of behavior we have come to, after these years. We are more than this. You are more than this. And starting right now, things are changing. You don't have to change it all overnight, Mili. Go slow, and take your time. Two books you can get right now---Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend and CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie---are great and will give you a lot of good strength. Start going to Al-Anon if you don't already. It is wonderful. We're here for you. This forum is another tool. Use it as much as you need to. Read and write here, and there will be a lot of good, caring support for you. Warm hugs tonight. We do understand. [/QUOTE]
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