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So many sleepless nights...
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 729399" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Laura and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your need to be here. You have been through a ton of stuff, thank you for providing the background to your story and reason for being here. Most of us found this place, just battle weary and tired, our stories don't make for coffee break small talk, that's for sure. You have come to a place where people understand and can relate to your aching mommas heart. Life is so difficult when the kids are with us, all of the drama and chaos that ensues. When they are away from home, there is this wondering, a sort of relief from the pain of it, but still this emptiness. I think especially so for an only child. I have five kids, two off the rails. Out there drifting somewhere. On meth as well, and definitely not in their right minds. I feel like this from time to time. I spend a lot of time praying that my two will wake up from the meth nightmare and seek their potential. Where there is life, there is hope. I do have a niece in active recovery from meth, and that is a beacon of hope. What helped me most, is that I gave my two back to God. I don't know if you have faith in a higher power, but this is my saving grace from sleepless nights. I also began a routine of walking in the mornings before work and find that to be cathartic. Switching focus to self care is beneficial. It is not selfish. It took a while for me to realize that, because as moms, we are trained to focus on our kids and their well being. I used to think that I couldn't possibly be happy when my two were out there drifting. Then, I realized that I couldn't bargain away my peace and joy, for them to find theirs. When hub passed nearly two years ago, that was a real wake up call to how incredibly short life is. I realized that I had really been grieving a long time, grieving over my twos lifestyle choices. That grief did nothing to change them, and it took a lot of my precious time away. I would have long talks over lunch with a dear friend at work, and she helped me realize how much the chaos and drama of my twos choices and consequences just, well,<em> infected me. </em>She suggested gently that I seek counseling, and I did. Perhaps that would be helpful for you.</p><p>There is a good article on detachment I have linked for you below</p><p><a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD</a></p><p>It is a good read to find out where we are at in our relationship with our d cs and how it effects us. Although your son lives far away from you, his life and choices are definitely effecting you emotionally. Lack of sleep is really bad for our health. You going down the tubes with your sons choices is unacceptable. A waste. How would that help him? It doesn't.</p><p> Our mind can play tricks on us with worry and stress. This is not good. Finding strategies to shut that sort of thinking down is important. If you have faith in a higher power, prayer is comforting. If not meditation helps. A routine before bed. Find mentors in noble souls out there who overcame life's difficulties. Viktor Frankl, Maya Angelou, or anyone that you find up lifting. It takes work to shift focus and understand that we didn't cause our adult kids issues, can't cure them, or control what they choose.</p><p>I focus on my two finding their true potential. Frankl gave a talk years ago about the spark that everyone possesses inside. He spoke of being an idealist, rather than a realist. That if we saw a person as they were, rather than they should be, we were lowering the mark for them. He related this to his lesson becoming a pilot, that with wind, one had to project their course at a higher point than where they wished to land. It's called "crabbing", sort of like throwing curve balls. He said that we should view a person for the potential they have, rather than what they were doing.</p><p>This may seem like overreaching, or ignoring the problem, but it has helped me tremendously because my two are out there drifting, homeless. Kidnapped by meth. My mind used to go to the places you are going with yours. Worry, stress, imagining the worst. I am completely aware of all of that, but switched my focus to what I know lies deep inside underneath all of that mess. Their spark. So, I pray all of the time that they find their light.</p><p> Don't worry about the length of your posts, or rambling. That is what we are all here for, to vent, to be comforted by kindred spirits who have been through similar experiences with their beloveds. I find it hopeful that your son is getting help right now. Hopefully it will lead him to understand his potential. That is entirely up to him.</p><p>I know you love him so much and want the best for him.</p><p>I have found that what I really want for my two, is to practice self care, to improve their well being. So, as their parent, I take that cue as my duty to take care of myself. To lead by action. As parents, we are our kids first mentors. Self care is not selfish, it is imperative to care for our physical, mental and spiritual well being.</p><p>Sometimes we get so caught up in our kids choices, we neglect ourselves and feel selfish pursuing peace and joy, while they are out there "suffering". There is nothing further from the truth. There is no benefit for us to suffer along with them. All along, it is just another Tuesday to them.</p><p>Addiction is designed to snag and enmesh not only the addict, but also their loved ones. The net that traps us, is far reaching.</p><p>That is how I view my own physical, emotional downfall with my twos addiction. I was trapped by it, too.</p><p>Pulling up and out of that entrapment takes work.</p><p>You got this Laura, you are not alone.</p><p>Keep posting, and we will circle the wagons for you.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 729399, member: 19522"] Hi Laura and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your need to be here. You have been through a ton of stuff, thank you for providing the background to your story and reason for being here. Most of us found this place, just battle weary and tired, our stories don't make for coffee break small talk, that's for sure. You have come to a place where people understand and can relate to your aching mommas heart. Life is so difficult when the kids are with us, all of the drama and chaos that ensues. When they are away from home, there is this wondering, a sort of relief from the pain of it, but still this emptiness. I think especially so for an only child. I have five kids, two off the rails. Out there drifting somewhere. On meth as well, and definitely not in their right minds. I feel like this from time to time. I spend a lot of time praying that my two will wake up from the meth nightmare and seek their potential. Where there is life, there is hope. I do have a niece in active recovery from meth, and that is a beacon of hope. What helped me most, is that I gave my two back to God. I don't know if you have faith in a higher power, but this is my saving grace from sleepless nights. I also began a routine of walking in the mornings before work and find that to be cathartic. Switching focus to self care is beneficial. It is not selfish. It took a while for me to realize that, because as moms, we are trained to focus on our kids and their well being. I used to think that I couldn't possibly be happy when my two were out there drifting. Then, I realized that I couldn't bargain away my peace and joy, for them to find theirs. When hub passed nearly two years ago, that was a real wake up call to how incredibly short life is. I realized that I had really been grieving a long time, grieving over my twos lifestyle choices. That grief did nothing to change them, and it took a lot of my precious time away. I would have long talks over lunch with a dear friend at work, and she helped me realize how much the chaos and drama of my twos choices and consequences just, well,[I] infected me. [/I]She suggested gently that I seek counseling, and I did. Perhaps that would be helpful for you. There is a good article on detachment I have linked for you below [URL='https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD']http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#ixzz4NPcnawgD[/URL] It is a good read to find out where we are at in our relationship with our d cs and how it effects us. Although your son lives far away from you, his life and choices are definitely effecting you emotionally. Lack of sleep is really bad for our health. You going down the tubes with your sons choices is unacceptable. A waste. How would that help him? It doesn't. Our mind can play tricks on us with worry and stress. This is not good. Finding strategies to shut that sort of thinking down is important. If you have faith in a higher power, prayer is comforting. If not meditation helps. A routine before bed. Find mentors in noble souls out there who overcame life's difficulties. Viktor Frankl, Maya Angelou, or anyone that you find up lifting. It takes work to shift focus and understand that we didn't cause our adult kids issues, can't cure them, or control what they choose. I focus on my two finding their true potential. Frankl gave a talk years ago about the spark that everyone possesses inside. He spoke of being an idealist, rather than a realist. That if we saw a person as they were, rather than they should be, we were lowering the mark for them. He related this to his lesson becoming a pilot, that with wind, one had to project their course at a higher point than where they wished to land. It's called "crabbing", sort of like throwing curve balls. He said that we should view a person for the potential they have, rather than what they were doing. This may seem like overreaching, or ignoring the problem, but it has helped me tremendously because my two are out there drifting, homeless. Kidnapped by meth. My mind used to go to the places you are going with yours. Worry, stress, imagining the worst. I am completely aware of all of that, but switched my focus to what I know lies deep inside underneath all of that mess. Their spark. So, I pray all of the time that they find their light. Don't worry about the length of your posts, or rambling. That is what we are all here for, to vent, to be comforted by kindred spirits who have been through similar experiences with their beloveds. I find it hopeful that your son is getting help right now. Hopefully it will lead him to understand his potential. That is entirely up to him. I know you love him so much and want the best for him. I have found that what I really want for my two, is to practice self care, to improve their well being. So, as their parent, I take that cue as my duty to take care of myself. To lead by action. As parents, we are our kids first mentors. Self care is not selfish, it is imperative to care for our physical, mental and spiritual well being. Sometimes we get so caught up in our kids choices, we neglect ourselves and feel selfish pursuing peace and joy, while they are out there "suffering". There is nothing further from the truth. There is no benefit for us to suffer along with them. All along, it is just another Tuesday to them. Addiction is designed to snag and enmesh not only the addict, but also their loved ones. The net that traps us, is far reaching. That is how I view my own physical, emotional downfall with my twos addiction. I was trapped by it, too. Pulling up and out of that entrapment takes work. You got this Laura, you are not alone. Keep posting, and we will circle the wagons for you. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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