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So now driving has opened up a new set of difficult child adventures
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 637279" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Nope, not calling your insane and certainly would NEVER kick ya or anyone <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Not literally. Give you a kick, yes. I had many kicks here!!! They were meant to be helpful.</p><p></p><p>You, as a person, are kind and loving. Doing the same thing over and over again that doesn't work is insanity. That act is insane. Changing it makes sense. PIcture this: You keep letting your dog pee in the house and then complain that he is peeing in the house, but you don't walk him or show him where he should go that is appropriate. Would you keep doing it so that the dog keeps peeing in your house? I mean, I know I love my dogs dearly, but I don't think it's healthy for any of us in our house, dogs included to pee all over. So I do what I have to do. Now obviously a dog is not a person. My only reason for using that example is that I'm not feeling very creative this morning...haha. I'm sure there are better examples. The point is, if you keep doing the same thing that doesn't work, it's going to continue not to work. This hasn't worked yet and your son is a heroin addict and not launching in any way plus you can't afford all the money you are putting out for this and, I believe, you are not a spring chicken anymore. I'm not either. I get it. We need that money for us. Not like our difficult children are going to take care of us if we suddenly give them our last dime. Most likely, they'll head for the hills as fast as they can if they think we want something from THEM. Plus the younger difficult child is learning from his older brother. "Hmmmmmmmmmm. I can mess up in a really bad way, and they'll let me have free rent, insurance, the works and I can even bring home Wifey and Kids. What a party!!!!"</p><p></p><p>I gave you my best advice. I truly don't see how this can work out until you decide to change, however long that takes. Most of us here will say the same thing. We don't want you to leave. We hope you hang in there with us and learn things that have helped those of us with similar situations. Most of our adult children are drug addicts who refuse to quit or to launch and take care of themselves. Many have seen prison. Many are dangerous to live with. They affect us. They affect our younger ones. We can get into legal trouble if they have illegal substances in our homes. They don't care if they put us at risk. They disrespect us in every way, for the most part, or we wouldn't be here. We all started out being doormats. We learn with age and experience...(sigh) and it's not a fun trip. Have you ever gone to Twelve Step? I found that very helpful, having a support group of real facetime people there. They all know what you are facing in Al-Anon or Narc-Anon. It's important to be around those who have been where you are. Most of us have. Or are.</p><p></p><p>Absolutely keep posting, but the faster you launch YOURSELF, the better it will get. I leave you with this:</p><p></p><p>"God grant me the SERENITY to accept the thngs I can not change,</p><p>the COURAGE to change the things we can,</p><p>And the WISDOM to know the difference."</p><p></p><p>Although I like Twelve Step, a great therapist, familiar with parents who can not break from their grown children, can be even better if you prefer one-one. I also like to browse "YOUTUBE" and get feedback from experts that I can never afford to see. Almost all of them, however, do suggest not enabling (even if they are not affiliated with 12Step) and many say the problems we face are not our grown kids, but our own because of our reactions to those grown kids...it's interesting. I posted from Dr. Phil, but there are REAL experts on YouTube...more schooled than him and from all over the world. Listening helps me stay focused in the right direction so that I don't become that doormat ever again.</p><p></p><p>Here's to hoping you take a few baby steps. The first ones are always hard, but ultimately, unless you are richer than Midas, you can not support your drug addicted son and all of his toys and habits plus the rest of his family forever and I'm sure you don't want Mr. 17 to see that he can do anything he wants. One reason I made Julie leave was because I had two little ones who were greatly affected by the cops coming over, the out-of-control behaviors, and they were darned scared. She was 19 and unwilling to get help for her drug addiction so we made her leave. Her brother took her in and he is much stricter than we are...she got clean. Although it may not be that easy for your son, trying something different may shake him up and certainly will help your pocket book, your peace of mind, and your younger child.</p><p></p><p>I still think it is dangerous to let either of your young men drive. That's safety...life and death. I'd think hard about allowing that, no matter how loud they scream. At least they are still alive to scream...so to speak..I remember those nightmare calls from the hospital with my daughter and I don't want you to experience car accident cars. They were all her fault too. She's lucky nobody was killed and she WAS sued. She paid money to this woman long after she had quit using drugs until her father finally paid the woman off completely, but that was about four years into her Recovery, when it was clear drugs were no longer going to be on her radar. </p><p></p><p>Hugs and hoping for the best. Keep coming back, it works, as they say in Al-Anon.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 637279, member: 1550"] Nope, not calling your insane and certainly would NEVER kick ya or anyone :) Not literally. Give you a kick, yes. I had many kicks here!!! They were meant to be helpful. You, as a person, are kind and loving. Doing the same thing over and over again that doesn't work is insanity. That act is insane. Changing it makes sense. PIcture this: You keep letting your dog pee in the house and then complain that he is peeing in the house, but you don't walk him or show him where he should go that is appropriate. Would you keep doing it so that the dog keeps peeing in your house? I mean, I know I love my dogs dearly, but I don't think it's healthy for any of us in our house, dogs included to pee all over. So I do what I have to do. Now obviously a dog is not a person. My only reason for using that example is that I'm not feeling very creative this morning...haha. I'm sure there are better examples. The point is, if you keep doing the same thing that doesn't work, it's going to continue not to work. This hasn't worked yet and your son is a heroin addict and not launching in any way plus you can't afford all the money you are putting out for this and, I believe, you are not a spring chicken anymore. I'm not either. I get it. We need that money for us. Not like our difficult children are going to take care of us if we suddenly give them our last dime. Most likely, they'll head for the hills as fast as they can if they think we want something from THEM. Plus the younger difficult child is learning from his older brother. "Hmmmmmmmmmm. I can mess up in a really bad way, and they'll let me have free rent, insurance, the works and I can even bring home Wifey and Kids. What a party!!!!" I gave you my best advice. I truly don't see how this can work out until you decide to change, however long that takes. Most of us here will say the same thing. We don't want you to leave. We hope you hang in there with us and learn things that have helped those of us with similar situations. Most of our adult children are drug addicts who refuse to quit or to launch and take care of themselves. Many have seen prison. Many are dangerous to live with. They affect us. They affect our younger ones. We can get into legal trouble if they have illegal substances in our homes. They don't care if they put us at risk. They disrespect us in every way, for the most part, or we wouldn't be here. We all started out being doormats. We learn with age and experience...(sigh) and it's not a fun trip. Have you ever gone to Twelve Step? I found that very helpful, having a support group of real facetime people there. They all know what you are facing in Al-Anon or Narc-Anon. It's important to be around those who have been where you are. Most of us have. Or are. Absolutely keep posting, but the faster you launch YOURSELF, the better it will get. I leave you with this: "God grant me the SERENITY to accept the thngs I can not change, the COURAGE to change the things we can, And the WISDOM to know the difference." Although I like Twelve Step, a great therapist, familiar with parents who can not break from their grown children, can be even better if you prefer one-one. I also like to browse "YOUTUBE" and get feedback from experts that I can never afford to see. Almost all of them, however, do suggest not enabling (even if they are not affiliated with 12Step) and many say the problems we face are not our grown kids, but our own because of our reactions to those grown kids...it's interesting. I posted from Dr. Phil, but there are REAL experts on YouTube...more schooled than him and from all over the world. Listening helps me stay focused in the right direction so that I don't become that doormat ever again. Here's to hoping you take a few baby steps. The first ones are always hard, but ultimately, unless you are richer than Midas, you can not support your drug addicted son and all of his toys and habits plus the rest of his family forever and I'm sure you don't want Mr. 17 to see that he can do anything he wants. One reason I made Julie leave was because I had two little ones who were greatly affected by the cops coming over, the out-of-control behaviors, and they were darned scared. She was 19 and unwilling to get help for her drug addiction so we made her leave. Her brother took her in and he is much stricter than we are...she got clean. Although it may not be that easy for your son, trying something different may shake him up and certainly will help your pocket book, your peace of mind, and your younger child. I still think it is dangerous to let either of your young men drive. That's safety...life and death. I'd think hard about allowing that, no matter how loud they scream. At least they are still alive to scream...so to speak..I remember those nightmare calls from the hospital with my daughter and I don't want you to experience car accident cars. They were all her fault too. She's lucky nobody was killed and she WAS sued. She paid money to this woman long after she had quit using drugs until her father finally paid the woman off completely, but that was about four years into her Recovery, when it was clear drugs were no longer going to be on her radar. Hugs and hoping for the best. Keep coming back, it works, as they say in Al-Anon. [/QUOTE]
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