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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 487748" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Dreamcycle, </p><p></p><p>Welcome to the board and our little family. I'm glad you found us for courage, strength and (although I chuckle softly to myself) wisdom. (I chuckle again) </p><p></p><p>Isn't it absolutely amazing these children that have such a sense of entitlement? So demanding, so demeaning, so persecutory; then get out in the real world and they are just the apple dumplings of everyones eye? Kinda makes you think you're the one that's a little off somewhere doesn't it? It did me for a while, and when that went South too I don't know whether I was actually glad to see him lashing out at others, or sad that he really couldn't hold himself together any better for longer than I had hoped. On some levels I think I actually hoped it was my parenting skills. At least if that were true, away from us he would have a happy, normal, wonderful, well-adjusted life and he could just get on with it. </p><p></p><p>Your son found a system at a very early age that worked for him in your home. Call it extreme manipulation where the entire family was taken in or just knowing his safe target. I say that not lightly or mockingly because my son too used me as a safe target for a long time. I really did him NO justice in allowing that to continue for any length of time. I just knew that I was the one that he could always blow up on and I wouldn't judge him harshly as everyone else did. Huge mistake. It taught him nothing other than the more he dug his heels in, the better he could manipulate me "OR ELSE". </p><p></p><p>Hard words to hear I know....they were hard for me to hear also. When it got to the point that you are at for us? We had a blow up, and of course the accusations flew - What horrible parents we had been, IF we had only done what he asked us to do his life would have turned out like he wanted it, (taking absolutely NO responsibility for his choices or his shortcomings - none of which were pointed out to him like he made it out to the rest of the world as horrific parents). So when the time came and he decided he didn't like lving under OUR roof, with OUR rules, and OUR consequences? WE put him out. He had just turned 17. </p><p></p><p>The amazing part of the story here for us is that while he knew he couldn't come back home, the first few months were almost like a vacation for everyone from everyone. It was bittersweet for me, and would make me even more angry when my DF(dear fiance) would make comments like "Well I sure don't miss HIM being gone, or Do you hear that? Silence....Isn't it wonderful since Dude left? All the silence! Even our dogs very large pit bull and American Bull dog would cower around Dude and his "moods". No one never knew which way the wind would blow or where we'd all be at the end of the day. Not a very good way to live when you consider you worked your ENTIRE life to be ON your own, and do things in YOUR house the way YOU want to - only to be held captive by a child. And a disrespectful, non-worldly OH BOY Do YOU have some good lessons coming to you ya brat-child at that. </p><p></p><p>We also did the list, and contracts, and rewards and consequences and the final months were so awful I actually didn't know if I would really survive. About a year earlier his actions caused me to have a stroke. I kept thinking that this was way more stressful than that, and would I be alive when he finally matured? The answer is pending, but after three years on his OWN? HIS rules, HIS curfew, HIS way of eating, HIS way of talking, LIVING, friends, choices, and getting the full on bio-father is a rotten SOB treatment that I tried to protect him from? He finally admitted that life -on his own wasn't great. Eating out of dumpsters, and sleeping under bridges, worrying about how to feed his dog, or maybe having to give UP his dog due to living situations, not having any money, no car, no education, and friends? FRIENDS that will rob you blind while you're in the hospital. Some really valuable lessons on how life in the real world works and how good he had it here - under the Nazi-regime. I can still picture him shooting us a zig hile salute and calling DF commandant. </p><p></p><p>True enough you have to do what you think is best for you and your child. If you're asking me do I think your son will conform to your list of "RIDICULOUS DEMANDS" - my bet is on not a chance. A lot of what I see here with other parents who choose to tough love their kids and ALLOW them the PRIVLEGE of living life on their terms is that the kids quickly try to back out of the deal, beg, plead, promise to be good, swear they won't do this or that again - and the parents cave and give ONE MORE CHANCE for the second time, third time - fifth time. Or at a very desperate level you hear of the child telling the parents he's going to commit suicide. If this is his choice? You should be prepared to call 911. Send a message that suicide is NOTHING to play with and you take the threat seriously -and if it happens - 911 will be called. He'll be put in a hospital and you'll go back home and he'll work out his life - STILL. </p><p></p><p>The biggest worry I see from other parents is in saying "I know if I throw them out, they'll die. They are too fragile, they need me to guide them - I I I...." and well that is certainly a chance we ALL take whether you have a frail difficult child or a strong child with NO disorders. You can't predict loosing a child. If you could? I suspect none of us who have ever lost anyone would have ever let them out of our sights. I just had to sit down and decide that I loved my son enough to ALLOW him the opportunity to GROW UP....and maybe once again - not the way I had forseen it - but today he's doing better, and making things happen for himself. The best thing about that is the phone calls I get telling me "Yeah and I did it all on my own" and I am happy to know he's alive, and doing well. </p><p></p><p>Whatever you do decide? Make a united front and stick to the plan. No wiping the slate clean or back-sliding. Hold him accountable and stick the consequences to him. Someday hopefully he'll thank you for it - or at least his life will be changed for the better and maybe he won't thank you. Either way if he becomes responsible for himself? It's a win/win situation. </p><p></p><p>Glad you found us. </p><p>More folks will be along soon with their thoughts and ideas...so you get different perspectives to identify with. </p><p>Hugs Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 487748, member: 4964"] Dreamcycle, Welcome to the board and our little family. I'm glad you found us for courage, strength and (although I chuckle softly to myself) wisdom. (I chuckle again) Isn't it absolutely amazing these children that have such a sense of entitlement? So demanding, so demeaning, so persecutory; then get out in the real world and they are just the apple dumplings of everyones eye? Kinda makes you think you're the one that's a little off somewhere doesn't it? It did me for a while, and when that went South too I don't know whether I was actually glad to see him lashing out at others, or sad that he really couldn't hold himself together any better for longer than I had hoped. On some levels I think I actually hoped it was my parenting skills. At least if that were true, away from us he would have a happy, normal, wonderful, well-adjusted life and he could just get on with it. Your son found a system at a very early age that worked for him in your home. Call it extreme manipulation where the entire family was taken in or just knowing his safe target. I say that not lightly or mockingly because my son too used me as a safe target for a long time. I really did him NO justice in allowing that to continue for any length of time. I just knew that I was the one that he could always blow up on and I wouldn't judge him harshly as everyone else did. Huge mistake. It taught him nothing other than the more he dug his heels in, the better he could manipulate me "OR ELSE". Hard words to hear I know....they were hard for me to hear also. When it got to the point that you are at for us? We had a blow up, and of course the accusations flew - What horrible parents we had been, IF we had only done what he asked us to do his life would have turned out like he wanted it, (taking absolutely NO responsibility for his choices or his shortcomings - none of which were pointed out to him like he made it out to the rest of the world as horrific parents). So when the time came and he decided he didn't like lving under OUR roof, with OUR rules, and OUR consequences? WE put him out. He had just turned 17. The amazing part of the story here for us is that while he knew he couldn't come back home, the first few months were almost like a vacation for everyone from everyone. It was bittersweet for me, and would make me even more angry when my DF(dear fiance) would make comments like "Well I sure don't miss HIM being gone, or Do you hear that? Silence....Isn't it wonderful since Dude left? All the silence! Even our dogs very large pit bull and American Bull dog would cower around Dude and his "moods". No one never knew which way the wind would blow or where we'd all be at the end of the day. Not a very good way to live when you consider you worked your ENTIRE life to be ON your own, and do things in YOUR house the way YOU want to - only to be held captive by a child. And a disrespectful, non-worldly OH BOY Do YOU have some good lessons coming to you ya brat-child at that. We also did the list, and contracts, and rewards and consequences and the final months were so awful I actually didn't know if I would really survive. About a year earlier his actions caused me to have a stroke. I kept thinking that this was way more stressful than that, and would I be alive when he finally matured? The answer is pending, but after three years on his OWN? HIS rules, HIS curfew, HIS way of eating, HIS way of talking, LIVING, friends, choices, and getting the full on bio-father is a rotten SOB treatment that I tried to protect him from? He finally admitted that life -on his own wasn't great. Eating out of dumpsters, and sleeping under bridges, worrying about how to feed his dog, or maybe having to give UP his dog due to living situations, not having any money, no car, no education, and friends? FRIENDS that will rob you blind while you're in the hospital. Some really valuable lessons on how life in the real world works and how good he had it here - under the Nazi-regime. I can still picture him shooting us a zig hile salute and calling DF commandant. True enough you have to do what you think is best for you and your child. If you're asking me do I think your son will conform to your list of "RIDICULOUS DEMANDS" - my bet is on not a chance. A lot of what I see here with other parents who choose to tough love their kids and ALLOW them the PRIVLEGE of living life on their terms is that the kids quickly try to back out of the deal, beg, plead, promise to be good, swear they won't do this or that again - and the parents cave and give ONE MORE CHANCE for the second time, third time - fifth time. Or at a very desperate level you hear of the child telling the parents he's going to commit suicide. If this is his choice? You should be prepared to call 911. Send a message that suicide is NOTHING to play with and you take the threat seriously -and if it happens - 911 will be called. He'll be put in a hospital and you'll go back home and he'll work out his life - STILL. The biggest worry I see from other parents is in saying "I know if I throw them out, they'll die. They are too fragile, they need me to guide them - I I I...." and well that is certainly a chance we ALL take whether you have a frail difficult child or a strong child with NO disorders. You can't predict loosing a child. If you could? I suspect none of us who have ever lost anyone would have ever let them out of our sights. I just had to sit down and decide that I loved my son enough to ALLOW him the opportunity to GROW UP....and maybe once again - not the way I had forseen it - but today he's doing better, and making things happen for himself. The best thing about that is the phone calls I get telling me "Yeah and I did it all on my own" and I am happy to know he's alive, and doing well. Whatever you do decide? Make a united front and stick to the plan. No wiping the slate clean or back-sliding. Hold him accountable and stick the consequences to him. Someday hopefully he'll thank you for it - or at least his life will be changed for the better and maybe he won't thank you. Either way if he becomes responsible for himself? It's a win/win situation. Glad you found us. More folks will be along soon with their thoughts and ideas...so you get different perspectives to identify with. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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