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<blockquote data-quote="DaisyFace" data-source="post: 420579" data-attributes="member: 6546"><p>Hmmm....</p><p> </p><p>tough one.</p><p> </p><p>(And yes, there are days when the lenses in those "rose colored glasses" aren't quite thick enough....and we get mad at each other anyway.)</p><p> </p><p>One of the techniques we have used when we've been really angry about a sensitive subject is to discuss it over the phone. Sometimes it's easier to say things when you don't have to look the other person in the eye. And when it's REALLY sensitive - we will talk about it in the third person. Cause let's face it - you both KNOW the problems, you're not really saying anything new...but you still need to let the other know how you feel.</p><p> </p><p><em>So I might start the conversation by saying (over the phone) "Hey. I just called you because you are my best friend and I love you and I really just need someone to talk to about my jerk of a husband"</em></p><p> </p><p><em>to which husband will say "O yeah? What did that jerk do now?"</em></p><p> </p><p><em>and I will say my piece...and husband will tell me "That guy sounds like an axx - would you like me to punch him?"</em></p><p> </p><p><em>"No - how about just remind him to _______________"</em></p><p> </p><p><em>Then husband will tell me his complaints: His wife's been a nag....or she was snapping at him...or whatever she did.</em></p><p> </p><p><em>"Wow! What a B! Let's run away together so we don't have to deal with all that nonsense"</em></p><p> </p><p>And once we "get it out on the table", and can laugh about it a little and admit when we've felt like an axx or a B - it's easier to speak about things more seriously.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The key is - you have to tell him what role to play. You have to say to him: "Look, I'm really upset and I just need you to listen." OR "Look, I'm really upset but I don't know how to fix it - can you help me come up with ideas?" or even "Look, I'm really upset, and I really want to talk about it - but YOU are the person I am upset at. Do you think you could listen and pretend you're just a friend?"</p><p> </p><p>Tell him how you are looking for him to respond - in advance. Right now, he's appeasing you by agreeing with you. He thinks that's the response you want. He thinks this because he is a man, not because he's lazy or anything, he's a man...and he wants to please you. So if you need a different response, tell him so right at the beginning. "I wanna hear your side", or 'I wanna hear some ideas" or even 'I don't wanna hear anything - just listen."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DaisyFace, post: 420579, member: 6546"] Hmmm.... tough one. (And yes, there are days when the lenses in those "rose colored glasses" aren't quite thick enough....and we get mad at each other anyway.) One of the techniques we have used when we've been really angry about a sensitive subject is to discuss it over the phone. Sometimes it's easier to say things when you don't have to look the other person in the eye. And when it's REALLY sensitive - we will talk about it in the third person. Cause let's face it - you both KNOW the problems, you're not really saying anything new...but you still need to let the other know how you feel. [I]So I might start the conversation by saying (over the phone) "Hey. I just called you because you are my best friend and I love you and I really just need someone to talk to about my jerk of a husband"[/I] [I]to which husband will say "O yeah? What did that jerk do now?"[/I] [I]and I will say my piece...and husband will tell me "That guy sounds like an axx - would you like me to punch him?"[/I] [I]"No - how about just remind him to _______________"[/I] [I]Then husband will tell me his complaints: His wife's been a nag....or she was snapping at him...or whatever she did.[/I] [I]"Wow! What a B! Let's run away together so we don't have to deal with all that nonsense"[/I] And once we "get it out on the table", and can laugh about it a little and admit when we've felt like an axx or a B - it's easier to speak about things more seriously. The key is - you have to tell him what role to play. You have to say to him: "Look, I'm really upset and I just need you to listen." OR "Look, I'm really upset but I don't know how to fix it - can you help me come up with ideas?" or even "Look, I'm really upset, and I really want to talk about it - but YOU are the person I am upset at. Do you think you could listen and pretend you're just a friend?" Tell him how you are looking for him to respond - in advance. Right now, he's appeasing you by agreeing with you. He thinks that's the response you want. He thinks this because he is a man, not because he's lazy or anything, he's a man...and he wants to please you. So if you need a different response, tell him so right at the beginning. "I wanna hear your side", or 'I wanna hear some ideas" or even 'I don't wanna hear anything - just listen." [/QUOTE]
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