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So this is where we are at
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<blockquote data-quote="Calamity Jane" data-source="post: 535019" data-attributes="member: 13882"><p>I think adoption messes up our difficult children more than we can imagine, and more than they will admit. It's hard, at least in my kids' perspectives, to have no knowledge of who you are, who your bio family is, why you were given up, oh Lord, I thought love was all we needed! We have a fairly large family, and we live close to each other, and their cousins are all around the same ages as my kids, but my kids don't look like their cousins, they don't look like us, and it's jarring because my neices and nephews look, sound, walk and laugh just like their parents. They're very smart and conscientious and competitive like their parents, too. Very high achievers. It hurts when Grandpa (without any malice) points out how much his granddaughter looks just like his daughter, or when his grandson plays basketball just as well as his son used to play. My kids were reminded of this almost every year in school, when a teacher would assign a "family tree" project. This happened in both Catholic school and public school--it made me cringe! easy child would just get to work and ask me, "who was grandpa's father", etc., not blinking an eye. difficult child would chafe (understandably) and made it known it was a stupid waste of time. He had no idea who his real relatives were, and probably never would. He was angry, and I know I messed up by not thinking of getting him therapy when he was young...I think I just wanted him to accept US as his family, just like easy child did, and not dwell on negative things.</p><p></p><p>It's just hard, because I now believe that biology is destiny. My adopted easy child seems to handle it well; she always had a great sense of humor and an easy personality that allows her to relate to all sorts of people. I'm sure she thinks about it, but she refuses to be <em>defined</em> by it. difficult child, I am convinced has rejection issues coupled with a ruminating, introspective personality and frankly, a naturally pessimistic attitude. It's hard for him to make meaningful connections, and he is often on the outside looking in. He's very observant and judgmental and suspicous. He doesn't have a great track record with girlfriends. Add adoption (abandonment, in his mind) to that, and not feeling connected in a tangible way with the people who are his family, and possible biological inclinations toward depression and sub. abuse, and well...he has issues. </p><p></p><p>For those of us who have adopted SA difficult children, I'm certain self hate plays a big part in their destructive behaviors. I haven't found a way to break through this, even with therapy, for my difficult child. He has to work things out for himself over time, but the stuff he puts us and himself through is brutal...parenting was never meant to be this HARD.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Calamity Jane, post: 535019, member: 13882"] I think adoption messes up our difficult children more than we can imagine, and more than they will admit. It's hard, at least in my kids' perspectives, to have no knowledge of who you are, who your bio family is, why you were given up, oh Lord, I thought love was all we needed! We have a fairly large family, and we live close to each other, and their cousins are all around the same ages as my kids, but my kids don't look like their cousins, they don't look like us, and it's jarring because my neices and nephews look, sound, walk and laugh just like their parents. They're very smart and conscientious and competitive like their parents, too. Very high achievers. It hurts when Grandpa (without any malice) points out how much his granddaughter looks just like his daughter, or when his grandson plays basketball just as well as his son used to play. My kids were reminded of this almost every year in school, when a teacher would assign a "family tree" project. This happened in both Catholic school and public school--it made me cringe! easy child would just get to work and ask me, "who was grandpa's father", etc., not blinking an eye. difficult child would chafe (understandably) and made it known it was a stupid waste of time. He had no idea who his real relatives were, and probably never would. He was angry, and I know I messed up by not thinking of getting him therapy when he was young...I think I just wanted him to accept US as his family, just like easy child did, and not dwell on negative things. It's just hard, because I now believe that biology is destiny. My adopted easy child seems to handle it well; she always had a great sense of humor and an easy personality that allows her to relate to all sorts of people. I'm sure she thinks about it, but she refuses to be [I]defined[/I] by it. difficult child, I am convinced has rejection issues coupled with a ruminating, introspective personality and frankly, a naturally pessimistic attitude. It's hard for him to make meaningful connections, and he is often on the outside looking in. He's very observant and judgmental and suspicous. He doesn't have a great track record with girlfriends. Add adoption (abandonment, in his mind) to that, and not feeling connected in a tangible way with the people who are his family, and possible biological inclinations toward depression and sub. abuse, and well...he has issues. For those of us who have adopted SA difficult children, I'm certain self hate plays a big part in their destructive behaviors. I haven't found a way to break through this, even with therapy, for my difficult child. He has to work things out for himself over time, but the stuff he puts us and himself through is brutal...parenting was never meant to be this HARD. [/QUOTE]
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