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So tired of the meanness!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 273280" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You handled that well.</p><p></p><p>An apology given only when they want something, is no apology in my book. I will accept the apology but require a period of action to follow, to help me see that the behaviour has genuinely changed. </p><p></p><p>However, it is MOST important to remain calm at all times, even in the face of hostility. Returning hostility and screamnig with the same stuff, is teaching the difficult child that this is an appropriate means of communication. It IS tempting, when a kid screams, "I hate you!" at us, to come back with, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" when it's obvious we DID hear, and frankly asking them to repeat it is asking for trouble (let alone asking them to repeat it by shouting at them).</p><p></p><p>HOwever, failure to respond is also endorsing this behaviour. Can't have that either.</p><p></p><p>A middle-ground response is, "Excuse me? That is inappropriate and uncalled for. I am now removing myself from where you are so I no longer have to listen to this unpleasantness. If you want me to do things for you, you need to do things for me. Being polite is just the beginning."</p><p>Then leave.</p><p></p><p>I've also asked, "Where did THAT come from?"</p><p>It's a sort of "what did I do to deserve that?" because often, the kid is just angry, and you just happen to be around, a handy target. You need to force the child to confront what is REALLY the problem and generally, it's not you. But as long as the child USES you to blame, they will never learn to truly face their problems and will therefore remain angry and uncontrolled.</p><p></p><p>To confront - you ask, "Now, what is REALLY wrong? And don't say it's me, I know that can't be true. There is something else bugging you. Is it because I'm making you go to school? or is it because I don't always give you what you want? If I tried, I wouldn't be able to afford it, I have to make choices and you need to learn how to make the same choices so when you're an adult, you will be able to manage your own life. Or are you angry because you wanted to go out with friends and they've gone away for the week?"</p><p></p><p>Your child may have a legitimate grievance (against school, against friedns, maybe even against you) but needs to learn how to better express it, in order to accurately resolve grievances instead of just railing against the world.</p><p>"YOu are angry because your friend isn't available today? I can understand you feelnig frustrated, you were looking forward to the outing. But your friend didn't cancel for no reason, there was a family emergency. Your friend's mother got sick and had to go to hospital. Maybe your friend is worried about his mother. Why don't you call and ask how his mother is? If she's getting better, perhaps you can make arrangements to visit later on. Perhaps we could both go visit and I will talk to his mother while you boys talk and make plans."</p><p></p><p>Identifying the source of the hostility can help you teach your child to use you as a tool to help him confront and resolve his frustrations and anger. First he needs to learn to identify the source of his out-of-control emotions. And there will always be times when our kids vent frustrations on us.</p><p></p><p>It's up to us, to NOT take it on board and to not accept any of it. Same goes for a marriage - if your husband comes home and accuses you of being unfaithful, simply because you smiled at the bank teller - "What would you have me do? And why do you feel so threatened by me being polite? Are you feelnig insecure about how I feel about you? Where did this come from?"</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 273280, member: 1991"] You handled that well. An apology given only when they want something, is no apology in my book. I will accept the apology but require a period of action to follow, to help me see that the behaviour has genuinely changed. However, it is MOST important to remain calm at all times, even in the face of hostility. Returning hostility and screamnig with the same stuff, is teaching the difficult child that this is an appropriate means of communication. It IS tempting, when a kid screams, "I hate you!" at us, to come back with, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" when it's obvious we DID hear, and frankly asking them to repeat it is asking for trouble (let alone asking them to repeat it by shouting at them). HOwever, failure to respond is also endorsing this behaviour. Can't have that either. A middle-ground response is, "Excuse me? That is inappropriate and uncalled for. I am now removing myself from where you are so I no longer have to listen to this unpleasantness. If you want me to do things for you, you need to do things for me. Being polite is just the beginning." Then leave. I've also asked, "Where did THAT come from?" It's a sort of "what did I do to deserve that?" because often, the kid is just angry, and you just happen to be around, a handy target. You need to force the child to confront what is REALLY the problem and generally, it's not you. But as long as the child USES you to blame, they will never learn to truly face their problems and will therefore remain angry and uncontrolled. To confront - you ask, "Now, what is REALLY wrong? And don't say it's me, I know that can't be true. There is something else bugging you. Is it because I'm making you go to school? or is it because I don't always give you what you want? If I tried, I wouldn't be able to afford it, I have to make choices and you need to learn how to make the same choices so when you're an adult, you will be able to manage your own life. Or are you angry because you wanted to go out with friends and they've gone away for the week?" Your child may have a legitimate grievance (against school, against friedns, maybe even against you) but needs to learn how to better express it, in order to accurately resolve grievances instead of just railing against the world. "YOu are angry because your friend isn't available today? I can understand you feelnig frustrated, you were looking forward to the outing. But your friend didn't cancel for no reason, there was a family emergency. Your friend's mother got sick and had to go to hospital. Maybe your friend is worried about his mother. Why don't you call and ask how his mother is? If she's getting better, perhaps you can make arrangements to visit later on. Perhaps we could both go visit and I will talk to his mother while you boys talk and make plans." Identifying the source of the hostility can help you teach your child to use you as a tool to help him confront and resolve his frustrations and anger. First he needs to learn to identify the source of his out-of-control emotions. And there will always be times when our kids vent frustrations on us. It's up to us, to NOT take it on board and to not accept any of it. Same goes for a marriage - if your husband comes home and accuses you of being unfaithful, simply because you smiled at the bank teller - "What would you have me do? And why do you feel so threatened by me being polite? Are you feelnig insecure about how I feel about you? Where did this come from?" Marg [/QUOTE]
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