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So true.....
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 657258" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>COM, I learned by doing the wrong thing. Fortunately, I did it when Bart was an only child and was very young so I read a spot on book very early in my parenting career.</p><p></p><p>I lived for him. His life was my life. I even (blushing red) read his jjournal to make sure he was okay.</p><p></p><p>I was so miserable because I thought every little hurt would destroy him AND me, because I WAS him that I finally sought more therapy and read a very good book called "Toxic Parents." There is a book with the same name now, but this was a different book and since he was from Chicago, I actually got to meet him an d have sessions with him.</p><p></p><p>For several weeks after reading that book, which I agreed with, I felt empty. Empty because he was me and since I wasn't letting him be me anymore I didn't have any identity. It took time to build my own self up to where I was comfortable leaving his private thoughts alone and not questioning him over everything and just letting him be a kid without me and my nose being there with him.</p><p></p><p>Your friend is doing "the trainwreck." Adult kids do not like these kinds of parents. Worse, their SO can get fed up and encourage these adult kids to see these types of parents less often. Sounds like she has no identity of her own. It is sad. I feel for her as she must actually be sad beneath her bravado. Being other people does not cause contentment and peace.</p><p></p><p>I struggle with this sometimes. Don't we all? But, in the end, we have to trust them and praise them. In my world, no negativity spoken to my adult kids about their choices unless they told me they were shooting heroin. Bart is the biggest challenge as he wants the most from me and, when under pressure, can get nasty. But the "less is more" is hleping both of us have very little conflict anymore. Actually, we are close and always have been. It's just that I did not "get" that his losing control had to do with anxiety. Now, if I know he is losing control due to anxiety, I tell him what he needs and likes to hear then gently cut off phone calls by saying things like, "I have to drive hubby to work." It has been quite a while since he has been rude to me and I feel better about not having to give advice to him on every little thing. We are on a learning curb together. Underneath, he really is a good person who loves his son. He can be selfish. But he can be kind and loving too. When the fire dies down, it is easier to see the real person.</p><p></p><p>We all have to learn to be ourselves and to let our adult children make their own mistakes, as we did. We have to let them go.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 657258, member: 1550"] COM, I learned by doing the wrong thing. Fortunately, I did it when Bart was an only child and was very young so I read a spot on book very early in my parenting career. I lived for him. His life was my life. I even (blushing red) read his jjournal to make sure he was okay. I was so miserable because I thought every little hurt would destroy him AND me, because I WAS him that I finally sought more therapy and read a very good book called "Toxic Parents." There is a book with the same name now, but this was a different book and since he was from Chicago, I actually got to meet him an d have sessions with him. For several weeks after reading that book, which I agreed with, I felt empty. Empty because he was me and since I wasn't letting him be me anymore I didn't have any identity. It took time to build my own self up to where I was comfortable leaving his private thoughts alone and not questioning him over everything and just letting him be a kid without me and my nose being there with him. Your friend is doing "the trainwreck." Adult kids do not like these kinds of parents. Worse, their SO can get fed up and encourage these adult kids to see these types of parents less often. Sounds like she has no identity of her own. It is sad. I feel for her as she must actually be sad beneath her bravado. Being other people does not cause contentment and peace. I struggle with this sometimes. Don't we all? But, in the end, we have to trust them and praise them. In my world, no negativity spoken to my adult kids about their choices unless they told me they were shooting heroin. Bart is the biggest challenge as he wants the most from me and, when under pressure, can get nasty. But the "less is more" is hleping both of us have very little conflict anymore. Actually, we are close and always have been. It's just that I did not "get" that his losing control had to do with anxiety. Now, if I know he is losing control due to anxiety, I tell him what he needs and likes to hear then gently cut off phone calls by saying things like, "I have to drive hubby to work." It has been quite a while since he has been rude to me and I feel better about not having to give advice to him on every little thing. We are on a learning curb together. Underneath, he really is a good person who loves his son. He can be selfish. But he can be kind and loving too. When the fire dies down, it is easier to see the real person. We all have to learn to be ourselves and to let our adult children make their own mistakes, as we did. We have to let them go. [/QUOTE]
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