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So very tired of all the koi, having trouble functioning...
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<blockquote data-quote="isis" data-source="post: 566215" data-attributes="member: 15590"><p>Well, first of all, as you <em>know,</em> sister in law is totally wrong. There is not a simple change in your house that will suddenly change difficult child's behavior. You know this, yet it sounds like her comments are bringing you down and raising self-doubts. She is just wrong. So, I agree with trinity that these conversations with sister in law aren't helping because she does not understand that children like difficult child do not respond to typical parenting strategies.</p><p> </p><p>I have a very similar situation with my 13 yr old son, in that the entire family is basically in thrall to how he shows up: good or bad mood, congenial or oppostional, which will it be the next hour?</p><p>He has way more than just ADHD and I suspect that your difficult child does too. Her negativity, irritability and defiance could easily be depression and/or anxiety. Simple behavior modification tools may therefore not work. My first thought about her jealousies is that she is negatively comparing herself to all of her siblings and cousins and feels terrible about herself, and instead of becoming withdrawn as some kids do, she lashes out to try and build herself up.</p><p>This is probably over the top diagnosing and hypothesizing, but I guess my underlying point is that you are saying in your post that your entire family is continuing to suffer and that you are totally depleted. That suggests to me that she is not optimally treated. Let her therapist know how bad things are. Maybe they should consider further diagnosis.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, it can help to let go of some of your angst by picking your battles so that there are fewer of them. Just let some of it go (I'm making it sound easy, its not, but when you're really tired it can help to just not fight as much). And I totally agree with flat out ignoring those behaviors/comments that you can. Not respond, or one word answers work best. I have a list of one liners ("I'm sorry its hard for you". "Youre a smart kid, you can figure it out" "I'm sorry you feel that way" said as dispassionately as possible.) difficult children are sometimes looking for the verbal engagement, so cut it off when you can. I"ve been doing the same thing as DF: I invite him along and if jhe says no I leave it (and make other plans for <em>him, </em>not us). This has even included going somewhere else for thanksgiving. Yep, he got out of our family thanksgiving. I think it was better for all of us, though I still felt guilty. Note: I sincerely invite him, like I really want him to come along with whatever we are doing (which I do if he can be moderately pleasant!), but if he says no, I end it there.</p><p></p><p>I really feel for your exhaustion.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="isis, post: 566215, member: 15590"] Well, first of all, as you [I]know,[/I] sister in law is totally wrong. There is not a simple change in your house that will suddenly change difficult child's behavior. You know this, yet it sounds like her comments are bringing you down and raising self-doubts. She is just wrong. So, I agree with trinity that these conversations with sister in law aren't helping because she does not understand that children like difficult child do not respond to typical parenting strategies. I have a very similar situation with my 13 yr old son, in that the entire family is basically in thrall to how he shows up: good or bad mood, congenial or oppostional, which will it be the next hour? He has way more than just ADHD and I suspect that your difficult child does too. Her negativity, irritability and defiance could easily be depression and/or anxiety. Simple behavior modification tools may therefore not work. My first thought about her jealousies is that she is negatively comparing herself to all of her siblings and cousins and feels terrible about herself, and instead of becoming withdrawn as some kids do, she lashes out to try and build herself up. This is probably over the top diagnosing and hypothesizing, but I guess my underlying point is that you are saying in your post that your entire family is continuing to suffer and that you are totally depleted. That suggests to me that she is not optimally treated. Let her therapist know how bad things are. Maybe they should consider further diagnosis. In the meantime, it can help to let go of some of your angst by picking your battles so that there are fewer of them. Just let some of it go (I'm making it sound easy, its not, but when you're really tired it can help to just not fight as much). And I totally agree with flat out ignoring those behaviors/comments that you can. Not respond, or one word answers work best. I have a list of one liners ("I'm sorry its hard for you". "Youre a smart kid, you can figure it out" "I'm sorry you feel that way" said as dispassionately as possible.) difficult children are sometimes looking for the verbal engagement, so cut it off when you can. I"ve been doing the same thing as DF: I invite him along and if jhe says no I leave it (and make other plans for [I]him, [/I]not us). This has even included going somewhere else for thanksgiving. Yep, he got out of our family thanksgiving. I think it was better for all of us, though I still felt guilty. Note: I sincerely invite him, like I really want him to come along with whatever we are doing (which I do if he can be moderately pleasant!), but if he says no, I end it there. I really feel for your exhaustion. [/QUOTE]
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So very tired of all the koi, having trouble functioning...
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