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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 614460" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Perhaps I could trust your anger, Recovering, but not my own? After reading your post, anger is what I DID feel. You were so right on in every aspect of what has been happening, so close to what "Bad Cedar" has been roaring about since she got here. </p><p></p><p>It was easy to say what I said to difficult child this morning. So much easier to say that than to try so hard not to damage his fragile self-esteem. I did not call him names. I did not say anything harmful and yet, I told the truth. Looking back on it, all I can think is that it was so easy.</p><p></p><p>So remarkably easy.</p><p></p><p>I remember once Recovering, when you told your daughter similar truths and I think you posted about it having been easy, too. I believe there were still some tough times ahead for you. I am glad to have been forewarned.</p><p></p><p>I so appreciate all you have done for me, Recovering. I understand that, while acknowledgement is good and appropriate, the true reward for you is in helping another parent to see, and in changing the pattern for that family.</p><p></p><p>************</p><p></p><p>I quoted the phrase I began this post with because I think it is crucially important for other parents to read, too. This is what I think I know about that: Given that we don't know what we did, we could only see that our kids were not doing well and understand that <u>something</u> must have been wrong, in our homes or in our parenting, for things to have turned out as they did for the kids.</p><p></p><p>That is a never-ending place for guilt and enabling to flourish.</p><p></p><p>If we had done something specific, we could have acknowledged, apologized, and addressed it. This is such an important piece. I hope I am explaining myself clearly. <u>Not that our lives were perfect or our parenting without flaws ~ there were plenty ~ but for parents who haven't really done anything they can readily see to explain the situation, recovering from enabling or not falling into it to start with is almost impossible for that very reason.</u> What happened to the kids is like some horrible mystery, something we scare ourselves to death with. We never can figure out who the criminal is because there isn't one. So, good and decent parents will presume it to have been them, and will work tirelessly to correct whatever harm it was they unintentionally inflicted.</p><p></p><p>This seems so important to me, to get this idea across.</p><p></p><p>I know a man who was divorced when his three children were young. The son died of heroin overdose at 31, after all those years of addiction/recovery/addiction. The father has not forgiven himself to this day for the divorce. His remaining children, in their fifties now and sensing a vulnerability, are angrily demanding their due, their inheritance, their pound of flesh for the things they suffered because of the divorce. But here is the thing: this only works because he feels guilty to start with, and so, the kids feel entitled. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 614460, member: 1721"] Perhaps I could trust your anger, Recovering, but not my own? After reading your post, anger is what I DID feel. You were so right on in every aspect of what has been happening, so close to what "Bad Cedar" has been roaring about since she got here. It was easy to say what I said to difficult child this morning. So much easier to say that than to try so hard not to damage his fragile self-esteem. I did not call him names. I did not say anything harmful and yet, I told the truth. Looking back on it, all I can think is that it was so easy. So remarkably easy. I remember once Recovering, when you told your daughter similar truths and I think you posted about it having been easy, too. I believe there were still some tough times ahead for you. I am glad to have been forewarned. I so appreciate all you have done for me, Recovering. I understand that, while acknowledgement is good and appropriate, the true reward for you is in helping another parent to see, and in changing the pattern for that family. ************ I quoted the phrase I began this post with because I think it is crucially important for other parents to read, too. This is what I think I know about that: Given that we don't know what we did, we could only see that our kids were not doing well and understand that [U]something[/U] must have been wrong, in our homes or in our parenting, for things to have turned out as they did for the kids. That is a never-ending place for guilt and enabling to flourish. If we had done something specific, we could have acknowledged, apologized, and addressed it. This is such an important piece. I hope I am explaining myself clearly. [U]Not that our lives were perfect or our parenting without flaws ~ there were plenty ~ but for parents who haven't really done anything they can readily see to explain the situation, recovering from enabling or not falling into it to start with is almost impossible for that very reason.[/U] What happened to the kids is like some horrible mystery, something we scare ourselves to death with. We never can figure out who the criminal is because there isn't one. So, good and decent parents will presume it to have been them, and will work tirelessly to correct whatever harm it was they unintentionally inflicted. This seems so important to me, to get this idea across. I know a man who was divorced when his three children were young. The son died of heroin overdose at 31, after all those years of addiction/recovery/addiction. The father has not forgiven himself to this day for the divorce. His remaining children, in their fifties now and sensing a vulnerability, are angrily demanding their due, their inheritance, their pound of flesh for the things they suffered because of the divorce. But here is the thing: this only works because he feels guilty to start with, and so, the kids feel entitled. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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