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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 614744" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Your poetry is beautiful to me too Cedar, thank you for sharing it, I hope you share more ...........</p><p></p><p>It took me awhile to find this thread in this new format..........</p><p></p><p>I read <u>the Artists Way</u> awhile back, I will look into the the <u>Artists Way at work, Riding the dragon</u>, thank you Cedar. I'll order it today.</p><p></p><p>I have been wondering about you, how are you doing? How is husband? You are in my thoughts often.</p><p></p><p>I had a conversation with my daughter via email the other day and right afterwards, I thought of you . She asked me if she could bring her new friend/roommate to Christmas dinner. She already brought him along for her birthday dinner without asking me. The old me would have certainly agreed immediately, however, I actually thought this through. She lamented about how he has no family, his parents are dead, and that is my cue to feel bad, believe it is my responsibility and give in to her wishes.<em> <strong>I said no</strong>.</em> I said I had figured out the meal plan and the table plan and there is no room unless someone I invited doesn't end up coming. She wrote back this email about how she realizes what a burden she is to me and that perhaps she shouldn't come herself to Christmas dinner. Instead of falling for her martyrdom, I laughed out loud!! I saw the manipulation once she didn't get her way and I responded by saying literally, <em>"stop being a martyr and cut the 'burden' cr@p out.</em>" That she was always invited and it would be nice if she contributed to the dinners in some way. That is the truth and now I said it, rather then be a part of some dialogue which was established for me long ago in my family of origin where I offer myself up on the alter of someone else's needs or desires. Whew. It felt great to just lay it out there. And, YOU were the person I wanted to share that with, because I feel that you really get what a big shift that is. It felt good Cedar, it really did. That's who I want to be now, it was more lighthearted and easy, not heavy and filled with pressure to do the "right thing." The right thing is what<em> I want.</em> I can (now) trust myself on that.</p><p></p><p>I am also seeing how this is impacting my relationship with my granddaughter. As she readies herself for college next year, a lot is put on my plate. I keep taking it off my plate and giving it to her to figure out. I go though a lot of internal fear about how I SHOULD be doing a lot for her, but then I come out the other side of it and place it on her. It is not always easy on me to do that, but I am seeing each time I do, she comes up with her own interesting options and she then feels good about how <strong><u>she </u></strong>figured it out, not me. I am learning. She gives me many opportunities to grow and learn. But I don't want to make the mistakes I made with her mother, my old enabling patterns are not healthy and I am so determined to give my granddaughter a better and healthier version of me.</p><p></p><p>I am interested in how you are doing today Cedar, so if you find me here, let us know how you are. Thinking of you and hoping your days are getting easier and calmer.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 614744, member: 13542"] Your poetry is beautiful to me too Cedar, thank you for sharing it, I hope you share more ........... It took me awhile to find this thread in this new format.......... I read [U]the Artists Way[/U] awhile back, I will look into the the [U]Artists Way at work, Riding the dragon[/U], thank you Cedar. I'll order it today. I have been wondering about you, how are you doing? How is husband? You are in my thoughts often. I had a conversation with my daughter via email the other day and right afterwards, I thought of you . She asked me if she could bring her new friend/roommate to Christmas dinner. She already brought him along for her birthday dinner without asking me. The old me would have certainly agreed immediately, however, I actually thought this through. She lamented about how he has no family, his parents are dead, and that is my cue to feel bad, believe it is my responsibility and give in to her wishes.[I] [B]I said no[/B].[/I] I said I had figured out the meal plan and the table plan and there is no room unless someone I invited doesn't end up coming. She wrote back this email about how she realizes what a burden she is to me and that perhaps she shouldn't come herself to Christmas dinner. Instead of falling for her martyrdom, I laughed out loud!! I saw the manipulation once she didn't get her way and I responded by saying literally, [I]"stop being a martyr and cut the 'burden' cr@p out.[/I]" That she was always invited and it would be nice if she contributed to the dinners in some way. That is the truth and now I said it, rather then be a part of some dialogue which was established for me long ago in my family of origin where I offer myself up on the alter of someone else's needs or desires. Whew. It felt great to just lay it out there. And, YOU were the person I wanted to share that with, because I feel that you really get what a big shift that is. It felt good Cedar, it really did. That's who I want to be now, it was more lighthearted and easy, not heavy and filled with pressure to do the "right thing." The right thing is what[I] I want.[/I] I can (now) trust myself on that. I am also seeing how this is impacting my relationship with my granddaughter. As she readies herself for college next year, a lot is put on my plate. I keep taking it off my plate and giving it to her to figure out. I go though a lot of internal fear about how I SHOULD be doing a lot for her, but then I come out the other side of it and place it on her. It is not always easy on me to do that, but I am seeing each time I do, she comes up with her own interesting options and she then feels good about how [B][U]she [/U][/B]figured it out, not me. I am learning. She gives me many opportunities to grow and learn. But I don't want to make the mistakes I made with her mother, my old enabling patterns are not healthy and I am so determined to give my granddaughter a better and healthier version of me. I am interested in how you are doing today Cedar, so if you find me here, let us know how you are. Thinking of you and hoping your days are getting easier and calmer. [/QUOTE]
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