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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 615008" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Cedar, I was starting to get concerned that you were driving up north in your little car to rescue your daughter!! I am glad you are still at home. And, I am very glad to hear from you and find out you are (mostly) okay going through this craziness. I worry about you.</p><p></p><p>I think everything that is happening to you is <u>incredibly healthy</u>. I know that sounds weird, but if you had been in my codependency group, both therapists would have applauded you and told you <em>GOOD JOB, detachment is working</em>! And, like the rest of us, you would have been sitting there looking ever so confused and feeling really weird, since none of this feels that good and it all is feeling kinda bad.</p><p></p><p>But, change feels weird and people react badly, violently, dramatically or not at all, as we shift our responses.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad your son is not responding. Let him stew in his new found independence and adulthood and find his own options. YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is an entitled brat. Regardless of her injuries or her mental issues, the fact that she can vomit up all of that nonsense about what you did wrong is so remarkably manipulative and wrong and selfish and self serving and..................well, like your son was a jerk? Your daughter is a brat. MY daughter was a brat too.</p><p></p><p>I had to laugh about what she was saying to you. My daughter seemed to have kept a long running log of all of my wrong-doings and spit them out when she wanted me to tow the line and give in to her. I heard about how I killed her dog when she was 8 for 30 years. I put him down because he was dying. I heard about how I didn't pay for her to go to Australia on a student exchange program and how selfish I was............how I didn't let her go to that Motley Crew concert in the 11th grade on a school night..............how selfish I was to go traveling when she was in such poverty...............HA! Like you I used to answer with rationalizations, justifications for my poor parenting skill, my selfishness, or simply to explain why. I completely stopped doing any of that. I got mad. Whenever she said that BS to me, I said, "good for you, I have to go now." Or I didn't respond. I stopped engaging. "Don't engage with a crazy person, or you too will become crazy." Good advice.</p><p></p><p>Practice not responding to that stuff. What is actually occurring is that she is trying bigger and better tactics to make you squirm so you will give her what she wants. Don't do it. As I have said a few times, both of your kids are master manipulators and deserve an academy award for their performances. It's BS Cedar, see it for what it is. They have had all the power because you and husband feel guilty and have been unwilling to go through the struggle inside when we finally say NO. And, in your other post today you said husband always says, 'it's only money and it's easier to give it and get this over with.' Unfortunately, that thinking assures it will never be over with and they will keep coming back for more. It is way more then money you give, it is payments to stop the abuse they fling at you.............it is dirty money given to make them stop their bad behavior............it is given to keep you guys from feeling bad. Stop those guilt payments. You didn't do anything wrong or anything to deserve it. Your kids are both big BRATS!!!! Your daughter doesn't have a poverty mindset, she has an entitled mindset. Get angry Cedar, get really angry and don't listen anymore. The best thing that could happen is both of your kids stop speaking to you and leave you alone while they grow up. Then you and husband can have some peace.</p><p></p><p>I know how you feel, I went through all of this stuff too........as you change, the blame game heats up and man those accusations come flying. Don't catch them. Move aside and let them go by. Write them all down and take a good look at how ridiculous it all is. Then burn the page.</p><p></p><p>I am angry for you. Once I stopped caving in and got angry, everything changed. She had no more power over me and I got my life back. We can rationalize the heck out of our commitments to our kids but you know what? Parenting is supposed to come to an end at some point a lot earlier then it did for you and I. You do not deserve this treatment and I am incredibly happy that you told your daughter off. Good for you Cedar. Keep that bad Cedar coming!!!<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/encouragement.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":encouragement:" title="encouragement :encouragement:" data-shortname=":encouragement:" /></p><p></p><p>Oh, and when the hostility and blame stops? You may want to prepare for the <em>sorrowful, hurting, no one loves me, how can you be so mean to me...........stuff. </em>There are usually a few new scripts or old revised scripts that will be flung at you to get you to save her............be prepared. Perhaps keep some statements near the phone like "you're a smart woman, I'm sure you can figure something out."</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I have learned that this process of detachment has a pretty clear progression. You can almost predict the next behavior for both us the parents......... and our kids. It's like a dialogue which is ongoing and as you change, the dialogue changes, and that dialogue goes down a pretty predictable progression too. Both of your kids are going to have to adjust to the new you and that will take a little time. In the meantime, they will likely come up with some interesting behavior to make you go back to who you were when they got their way. If you can continue to recognize that for what it is, real change can happen. But if you give in, you will prolong that change and continue suffering and sending money.</p><p></p><p>I had to face some pretty awful truths. Your daughter could die at the hands of one of these abusers. As mine could have died in any number of ways. And, you have to get clear that if that did in fact happen, <strong><u>she put herself in that place</u></strong>, you could not have stopped it. You may have been able to keep it at bay for awhile, but not forever. In the meantime, your life would be over. You are not responsible for the choices your kids make.</p><p></p><p>Here is the interesting part Cedar...............my daughter wrote me an email yesterday filled with new thinking, explanations, apologies, how much she loves me and appreciates me.............her gratitude for my cooking her birthday dinner.......you could have knocked me over with a feather..............but I can see that when I stopped letting her treat me badly, when I stopped giving ANYTHING to her, when I became willing to live without her and let her go into the destiny she chose, even if that meant she may DIE..........she started to wake up, at least to my value and my connection to her. She may always be who she is in the world, but she is not treating me badly nor is she draining me of energy, time and money. You are really close to that Cedar...........but you have to hold on and not give in to them. Your daughter is going to pull out all the stops now...........probably make threats and comments which will scare you.........do not fall for it.</p><p></p><p>When you weaken, or need support just put out a distress call on this site and we will come running to pull you out!!! I needed a lot of hands pulling me out so I really get how hard this is. But, you are DOING IT!!! Like you said to me the other day? You are doing it too. I really liked reading that you did not fold under your daughters assault. I am proud of you!!!</p><p></p><p>And, I am really happy your sister is leaving you alone too. Geez. You are creating a different energy around you............one which demands more respect and is not putting up with the lies anymore. When that happens, everything changes and all the jerks and brats stay away...................good for you! <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/courage.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":courage:" title="courage :courage:" data-shortname=":courage:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 615008, member: 13542"] Cedar, I was starting to get concerned that you were driving up north in your little car to rescue your daughter!! I am glad you are still at home. And, I am very glad to hear from you and find out you are (mostly) okay going through this craziness. I worry about you. I think everything that is happening to you is [U]incredibly healthy[/U]. I know that sounds weird, but if you had been in my codependency group, both therapists would have applauded you and told you [I]GOOD JOB, detachment is working[/I]! And, like the rest of us, you would have been sitting there looking ever so confused and feeling really weird, since none of this feels that good and it all is feeling kinda bad. But, change feels weird and people react badly, violently, dramatically or not at all, as we shift our responses. I'm glad your son is not responding. Let him stew in his new found independence and adulthood and find his own options. YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE. Your daughter is an entitled brat. Regardless of her injuries or her mental issues, the fact that she can vomit up all of that nonsense about what you did wrong is so remarkably manipulative and wrong and selfish and self serving and..................well, like your son was a jerk? Your daughter is a brat. MY daughter was a brat too. I had to laugh about what she was saying to you. My daughter seemed to have kept a long running log of all of my wrong-doings and spit them out when she wanted me to tow the line and give in to her. I heard about how I killed her dog when she was 8 for 30 years. I put him down because he was dying. I heard about how I didn't pay for her to go to Australia on a student exchange program and how selfish I was............how I didn't let her go to that Motley Crew concert in the 11th grade on a school night..............how selfish I was to go traveling when she was in such poverty...............HA! Like you I used to answer with rationalizations, justifications for my poor parenting skill, my selfishness, or simply to explain why. I completely stopped doing any of that. I got mad. Whenever she said that BS to me, I said, "good for you, I have to go now." Or I didn't respond. I stopped engaging. "Don't engage with a crazy person, or you too will become crazy." Good advice. Practice not responding to that stuff. What is actually occurring is that she is trying bigger and better tactics to make you squirm so you will give her what she wants. Don't do it. As I have said a few times, both of your kids are master manipulators and deserve an academy award for their performances. It's BS Cedar, see it for what it is. They have had all the power because you and husband feel guilty and have been unwilling to go through the struggle inside when we finally say NO. And, in your other post today you said husband always says, 'it's only money and it's easier to give it and get this over with.' Unfortunately, that thinking assures it will never be over with and they will keep coming back for more. It is way more then money you give, it is payments to stop the abuse they fling at you.............it is dirty money given to make them stop their bad behavior............it is given to keep you guys from feeling bad. Stop those guilt payments. You didn't do anything wrong or anything to deserve it. Your kids are both big BRATS!!!! Your daughter doesn't have a poverty mindset, she has an entitled mindset. Get angry Cedar, get really angry and don't listen anymore. The best thing that could happen is both of your kids stop speaking to you and leave you alone while they grow up. Then you and husband can have some peace. I know how you feel, I went through all of this stuff too........as you change, the blame game heats up and man those accusations come flying. Don't catch them. Move aside and let them go by. Write them all down and take a good look at how ridiculous it all is. Then burn the page. I am angry for you. Once I stopped caving in and got angry, everything changed. She had no more power over me and I got my life back. We can rationalize the heck out of our commitments to our kids but you know what? Parenting is supposed to come to an end at some point a lot earlier then it did for you and I. You do not deserve this treatment and I am incredibly happy that you told your daughter off. Good for you Cedar. Keep that bad Cedar coming!!!:encouragement: Oh, and when the hostility and blame stops? You may want to prepare for the [I]sorrowful, hurting, no one loves me, how can you be so mean to me...........stuff. [/I]There are usually a few new scripts or old revised scripts that will be flung at you to get you to save her............be prepared. Perhaps keep some statements near the phone like "you're a smart woman, I'm sure you can figure something out." Cedar, I have learned that this process of detachment has a pretty clear progression. You can almost predict the next behavior for both us the parents......... and our kids. It's like a dialogue which is ongoing and as you change, the dialogue changes, and that dialogue goes down a pretty predictable progression too. Both of your kids are going to have to adjust to the new you and that will take a little time. In the meantime, they will likely come up with some interesting behavior to make you go back to who you were when they got their way. If you can continue to recognize that for what it is, real change can happen. But if you give in, you will prolong that change and continue suffering and sending money. I had to face some pretty awful truths. Your daughter could die at the hands of one of these abusers. As mine could have died in any number of ways. And, you have to get clear that if that did in fact happen, [B][U]she put herself in that place[/U][/B], you could not have stopped it. You may have been able to keep it at bay for awhile, but not forever. In the meantime, your life would be over. You are not responsible for the choices your kids make. Here is the interesting part Cedar...............my daughter wrote me an email yesterday filled with new thinking, explanations, apologies, how much she loves me and appreciates me.............her gratitude for my cooking her birthday dinner.......you could have knocked me over with a feather..............but I can see that when I stopped letting her treat me badly, when I stopped giving ANYTHING to her, when I became willing to live without her and let her go into the destiny she chose, even if that meant she may DIE..........she started to wake up, at least to my value and my connection to her. She may always be who she is in the world, but she is not treating me badly nor is she draining me of energy, time and money. You are really close to that Cedar...........but you have to hold on and not give in to them. Your daughter is going to pull out all the stops now...........probably make threats and comments which will scare you.........do not fall for it. When you weaken, or need support just put out a distress call on this site and we will come running to pull you out!!! I needed a lot of hands pulling me out so I really get how hard this is. But, you are DOING IT!!! Like you said to me the other day? You are doing it too. I really liked reading that you did not fold under your daughters assault. I am proud of you!!! And, I am really happy your sister is leaving you alone too. Geez. You are creating a different energy around you............one which demands more respect and is not putting up with the lies anymore. When that happens, everything changes and all the jerks and brats stay away...................good for you! :courage: [/QUOTE]
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