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Some Thoughts Gained from Insights Wk 3 update
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 388230" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>First of all, I think you're right in that Katie's best chance at success is *without* her husband. He does seem to be an obstacle to them getting out of where they are. That being said, separating from your husband and the father of your children is difficult under the best of circumstances. Add in the fact they are homeless and broke, she is already overstressed and feeling physically and emotionally drained, I really think that kicking her husband out may just be too much right now. Sometimes, it's a matter of "the devil you know" being better than the "devil you don't know," as the saying goes. From your perspective, it may seem like the most logical thing to do, kick husband to the curb and move on with her life. But that's the thing.. it's*your* perspective. I'd bet Katie is well aware of all her husband's issues. I'd bet she's thought time and time again that she *needs* to kick him to the curb, I'd bet she wants to more than anything. But that's a huge change, and she simply may not be able to to do it yet, especially she she has so much else on her plate. </p><p></p><p>I agree with toughlovin. I think the key is to be supportive. I think it's ok to wait for an opening and express your concerns to her about her situation, but if you approach it as, "you need to do this or you will never get ahead," she is likely to shut down. </p><p></p><p>I want to add that this is coming from my own experience with Youngest. She is in what seems to be an impossible situation right now (one day I'll write an update about it). It's a situation I personally cannot imagine staying in, just as you can't imagine yourself staying with a husband like Katie has. But, here's the thing... it's the choice she's made. I can't make Youngest change her mind. The times I've gotten angry enough to speak harshly about her fiance, she's defended him... and gotten more angry at me. One time, when I more delicately tried to point out how it could be better if she'd come back to VA and start over, that he lied to her to get her down there (told her he had a job offer, but he didn't) and her life has just gotten worse, not better, she said to me, "I know mom. Believe me, I think about that every single day." That's when it hit me (along with my therapist "hitting" me with it). She knows how bad things are. She's not in denial. But this is life experience, not mine. I can't take it so personally, even as her mom. She has to be ready to change it, to believe she can do it on her own (again) without her fiance. I can listen, and offer advice when asked, and encourage her all I can, but I can't make her change her mind or convince her to leave her fiance, nor is it really my place, I finally realized. Good old serenity prayer in action again. </p><p></p><p>It hoovers. I worry about my grandchidlren, just as you do. It's a helpless feeling. It sounds like Katie's come such a long way, however... and I think that is fantastic. Keep letting her know how great you think she is. It just may be that she has a ways to go to get to the point where she's finally fed up with her husband.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 388230, member: 1157"] First of all, I think you're right in that Katie's best chance at success is *without* her husband. He does seem to be an obstacle to them getting out of where they are. That being said, separating from your husband and the father of your children is difficult under the best of circumstances. Add in the fact they are homeless and broke, she is already overstressed and feeling physically and emotionally drained, I really think that kicking her husband out may just be too much right now. Sometimes, it's a matter of "the devil you know" being better than the "devil you don't know," as the saying goes. From your perspective, it may seem like the most logical thing to do, kick husband to the curb and move on with her life. But that's the thing.. it's*your* perspective. I'd bet Katie is well aware of all her husband's issues. I'd bet she's thought time and time again that she *needs* to kick him to the curb, I'd bet she wants to more than anything. But that's a huge change, and she simply may not be able to to do it yet, especially she she has so much else on her plate. I agree with toughlovin. I think the key is to be supportive. I think it's ok to wait for an opening and express your concerns to her about her situation, but if you approach it as, "you need to do this or you will never get ahead," she is likely to shut down. I want to add that this is coming from my own experience with Youngest. She is in what seems to be an impossible situation right now (one day I'll write an update about it). It's a situation I personally cannot imagine staying in, just as you can't imagine yourself staying with a husband like Katie has. But, here's the thing... it's the choice she's made. I can't make Youngest change her mind. The times I've gotten angry enough to speak harshly about her fiance, she's defended him... and gotten more angry at me. One time, when I more delicately tried to point out how it could be better if she'd come back to VA and start over, that he lied to her to get her down there (told her he had a job offer, but he didn't) and her life has just gotten worse, not better, she said to me, "I know mom. Believe me, I think about that every single day." That's when it hit me (along with my therapist "hitting" me with it). She knows how bad things are. She's not in denial. But this is life experience, not mine. I can't take it so personally, even as her mom. She has to be ready to change it, to believe she can do it on her own (again) without her fiance. I can listen, and offer advice when asked, and encourage her all I can, but I can't make her change her mind or convince her to leave her fiance, nor is it really my place, I finally realized. Good old serenity prayer in action again. It hoovers. I worry about my grandchidlren, just as you do. It's a helpless feeling. It sounds like Katie's come such a long way, however... and I think that is fantastic. Keep letting her know how great you think she is. It just may be that she has a ways to go to get to the point where she's finally fed up with her husband. [/QUOTE]
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