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Some thoughts
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 739840" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>Elsi..... like others have said. I think the process is different for everyone and it seems we all have to fiind the way best for us. I recently had an experience where someone who didnt know me but who I was dealing with on behalf of my son started telling me I was enabling him and I just needed to be tough. Put me on the defensive right away and to be honest kind of made me angry. She really had no idea of what I had done... she herself had a son who was an addict and she had had to use tough love but acted as if there was only one answer. The fact is we did kick out son out when he was 18 (which I dont regret because at the time it was the best thing to do). We have let me son be homeless and live on the streets in Denver in the middle of winter. We have been tough and it was not only tough on him but tough on us too. That time he was homeless and on the streets in winter was probably the worst time in my life. So it bugs me a lot when people tell me I am enabling or not being tough. I have been tough. Now when I have done that eventually my son does hit some kind of bottom and needs and wants help and will go to treatment... so those situations have gotten him to treatment which is always good. He has also gone to treatment after being in jail. And he has gone to treatment when he himself has realized he was an addict and needed help. All those things have gotten him to treatment. After he is in treatment though I think he gets this idea that he can do some part of it on his own, or he can drink socially but not alone, or he can drink but he cant use heroin or whatever. I think the latest couple of relapses showed him that even drinking a little sets him down a path.... so slowly maybe he is getting that he really can’t do it. I don’t know it.... but for him the learning about himself is coming in bits and pieces and fits and starts and that is his process and the way it is. </p><p></p><p>Where we got to quite a while ago is that we will help him when he is helping himself.... and along the way I have at times helped him get a meal, or when he was on the street I got him a sleeping bag etc. Those small pieces of help showed him love and care..... and I really dont think made much difference in him being able to use.</p><p></p><p>We do have to be careful because when he is in treatment, starts to do well, when he is starting to slide he will manipulate us and we will discover he has used us in some way to get money for alcohol..... so we are aware of that and he knows we know that.</p><p></p><p>So I really think it is about looking in your own heart and doing what feels right to you. Dont be tough because someone else tells you you should be tough. It really is about doing what you feel makes the most sense for you and for him. When we kicked our son out of our house he was flagrantly violating all of our rules (which were minimal) including taking our car without permission in the middle of the night. We told him we would give him two weeks to obey the rules and do the things he needed to do or he needed to move out. He then threatened to bash my teeth in..... I went to the police and had them come and remove him. I was not going to put up with that. There was no way I was going to let him behave that way in my house that would not be good for me.... but also the message it would send to him if I had just accepted that behavior would not have been good for him. (Never mind the message it would have sent to my younger daughter). However after some advice from a therapist I did stay in touch with him and keep the door open.... that was 8 years ago.</p><p></p><p>So it is all a balancing act. There. Is no one answer for everyone.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 739840, member: 15801"] Elsi..... like others have said. I think the process is different for everyone and it seems we all have to fiind the way best for us. I recently had an experience where someone who didnt know me but who I was dealing with on behalf of my son started telling me I was enabling him and I just needed to be tough. Put me on the defensive right away and to be honest kind of made me angry. She really had no idea of what I had done... she herself had a son who was an addict and she had had to use tough love but acted as if there was only one answer. The fact is we did kick out son out when he was 18 (which I dont regret because at the time it was the best thing to do). We have let me son be homeless and live on the streets in Denver in the middle of winter. We have been tough and it was not only tough on him but tough on us too. That time he was homeless and on the streets in winter was probably the worst time in my life. So it bugs me a lot when people tell me I am enabling or not being tough. I have been tough. Now when I have done that eventually my son does hit some kind of bottom and needs and wants help and will go to treatment... so those situations have gotten him to treatment which is always good. He has also gone to treatment after being in jail. And he has gone to treatment when he himself has realized he was an addict and needed help. All those things have gotten him to treatment. After he is in treatment though I think he gets this idea that he can do some part of it on his own, or he can drink socially but not alone, or he can drink but he cant use heroin or whatever. I think the latest couple of relapses showed him that even drinking a little sets him down a path.... so slowly maybe he is getting that he really can’t do it. I don’t know it.... but for him the learning about himself is coming in bits and pieces and fits and starts and that is his process and the way it is. Where we got to quite a while ago is that we will help him when he is helping himself.... and along the way I have at times helped him get a meal, or when he was on the street I got him a sleeping bag etc. Those small pieces of help showed him love and care..... and I really dont think made much difference in him being able to use. We do have to be careful because when he is in treatment, starts to do well, when he is starting to slide he will manipulate us and we will discover he has used us in some way to get money for alcohol..... so we are aware of that and he knows we know that. So I really think it is about looking in your own heart and doing what feels right to you. Dont be tough because someone else tells you you should be tough. It really is about doing what you feel makes the most sense for you and for him. When we kicked our son out of our house he was flagrantly violating all of our rules (which were minimal) including taking our car without permission in the middle of the night. We told him we would give him two weeks to obey the rules and do the things he needed to do or he needed to move out. He then threatened to bash my teeth in..... I went to the police and had them come and remove him. I was not going to put up with that. There was no way I was going to let him behave that way in my house that would not be good for me.... but also the message it would send to him if I had just accepted that behavior would not have been good for him. (Never mind the message it would have sent to my younger daughter). However after some advice from a therapist I did stay in touch with him and keep the door open.... that was 8 years ago. So it is all a balancing act. There. Is no one answer for everyone. TL [/QUOTE]
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