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Something cooking with difficult child....
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar II" data-source="post: 118147" data-attributes="member: 4391"><p>Fran, thank you. I would appreciate learning more about how to do this. We are thinking we will just contact an agency up there and have them take care of everything. There will be nothing we can do for this year (hot tub is drained and all the windows are covered with styrofoam), or for the current potential situation with difficult child ~ but it will be a very good thing for all the years to come. </p><p></p><p>Witz, Dammit, Lisa, and Stands ~ thank you. You help me to be stronger.</p><p></p><p>And you all are right.</p><p></p><p>It does so suck to be the bad guy.</p><p></p><p>Except...I am learning to see things differently, I think.</p><p></p><p>Stands?</p><p></p><p>You know? </p><p></p><p>You are right.</p><p></p><p>I cannot be the only parent that commercial is tearing into. I will call the next time I see it. Once I know what organization it is, I will call the station showing it.</p><p></p><p>It won't do any good, I am sure.</p><p></p><p>But I will feel better.</p><p></p><p>In my heart, I am very sure the organization / treatment center whatver, would not be able to help difficult child.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is so strange that you should have posted that you feel inadequate to your situation, Esther. Your posts shine with a sense of determined decision and quiet strength. We (me, too) become so frustrated with our own pain, and with the pain we see in those we love, that we take on that pain sometimes, I think. We need to learn to forgive ourselves ~ all of us, not just women and not just you or me ~ for not seeming to have met some standard, some perfection that we don't see in our lives, or in the lives of those we love.</p><p></p><p>I am learning, too.</p><p></p><p>In a way, what we do (women in general and mothers in particular, I think) is make the music of our lives from behind the silver bars of a cage of how things should be. We look out between those pretty, shiny bars, bars comprised of how we have learned to define ourselves, and we sing. Hearing our song, our families take their senses of identity from us.</p><p></p><p>Like Fran says, the mother is the spindle around which the family comes together.</p><p></p><p>Your family is together, Esther.</p><p></p><p>You are there, and that is where they come to learn who they are and how they are doing.</p><p></p><p>We forget sometimes (mothers and fathers both) that this is really what a family is. It is where we learn who we are, and it is where we learn more is possible. It is where we come to touch the core of strength in us. </p><p></p><p>Those are true things, I think.</p><p></p><p>But, when we look around us these days, what we see is some plastic image of perfection and so, we feel inadequate.</p><p></p><p>I know I do.</p><p></p><p>Inadequate to the challenge, overwhelmed by the pain, by the sense of futility.</p><p></p><p>But here is what I was thinking, this morning.</p><p></p><p>Well, I guess I didn't think it, now that I think about it. There is a writer I especially love. Charles Williams. In one of his books (I think Descent Into Hell) he writes something about how a sense of feeling that the challenges we all face, whatever the nature of the challenge, is unfair or unusual increases the seeming weight of the burden the challenge carries.</p><p></p><p>I have been thinking alot about that this morning.</p><p></p><p>In a way, I am fueling my own resentment over here, every time I blame difficult child for his situation ~ every time I allow myself to wallow in who he is not.</p><p></p><p>This morning, I am trying to understand that of course difficult child does not want things to be the way they are ~ that his burden then, is an even harsher one to bear than mine.</p><p></p><p>Somehow, that is helping me, this morning.</p><p></p><p>So.</p><p></p><p>Looks like I got off track again!</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/smile.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":smile:" title="smile :smile:" data-shortname=":smile:" /></p><p></p><p>In any event Esther, I think that every one of us is performing her role beautifully. We are the mothers and wives (or the husbands and fathers) learning love and forgiveness and compassion and modeling those same values for our families.</p><p></p><p>You ARE doing the best thing, Esther. You, and me too ~ we all are functioning as the touchstone, as the spindle (like Fran says), as the place those we love come for the real scoop.</p><p></p><p>Which is noble as all get out, when you think about it.</p><p></p><p>You are there, Esther. </p><p></p><p>You listen, and you love them, and you do your work and go on.</p><p></p><p>Why our families don't get it ~ now THERE is a darn good question.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/smile.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":smile:" title="smile :smile:" data-shortname=":smile:" /></p><p></p><p>But that doesn't matter unless we let it.</p><p></p><p>What matters for me this morning is that I work at letting go of that sense of personal resentment which fuels so much of my pain.</p><p></p><p>Here is an interesting thing, everyone. Asthma (or whatever it is that is making it so darn near impossible for me to breathe or eat or sleep lately) can be viewed, if you have a mind set to do so, as the body's response to my having been swallowing my anger and gulping down big drafts of resentment.</p><p></p><p>Which I have been doing.</p><p></p><p>Oh, boy, have I been whining to myself about how unfair this is.</p><p></p><p>I heard something on Oprah yesterday about how our illnesses will tell us what we need to change in our interpretation of ourselves in the world.</p><p></p><p>So, I went looking for those emotional responses I am too ashamed to acknowledge and claim.</p><p></p><p>And you know?</p><p></p><p>I found them.</p><p></p><p>But it isn't a matter of condemning myself. (Because if anyone feels inadequate to her situation, Esther? It's me!)</p><p></p><p>It's a matter of learning to STOP condemning myself.</p><p></p><p>I think we all do that to one degree or another, when our children are in pain. When I think about Fran's statement about the mother being the spindle around which the family revolves, I wonder whether our families would heal more quickly if we were happier.</p><p></p><p>If I were happier.</p><p></p><p>If I were happier, would it be easier for me to be honest with difficult child?</p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>Without anger behind the words I need to say, I am only telling the truth. WITH that sense of buried resentment fueling my thoughts and words, I am afraid to speak the truth.</p><p></p><p>Afraid to hurt difficult child ~ or anyone, for that matter.</p><p></p><p>But...what if I allowed myself to accept, to feel gratitude for what I have left, for the moment I am in?</p><p></p><p>Would the truth be a less fearful thing to contemplate?</p><p></p><p>Whatever.</p><p></p><p>Looks like I am wandering off topic, again.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/bag.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":bag:" title="bag :bag:" data-shortname=":bag:" /></p><p></p><p>And here is a thing I learned this morning.</p><p></p><p>It was difficult child who brought up the renting the house out thing to husband.</p><p></p><p>Apparently, out of the blue.</p><p></p><p>Now, what the heck?!?</p><p></p><p>So, is difficult child trying not to do what he sees coming, too?</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar II, post: 118147, member: 4391"] Fran, thank you. I would appreciate learning more about how to do this. We are thinking we will just contact an agency up there and have them take care of everything. There will be nothing we can do for this year (hot tub is drained and all the windows are covered with styrofoam), or for the current potential situation with difficult child ~ but it will be a very good thing for all the years to come. Witz, Dammit, Lisa, and Stands ~ thank you. You help me to be stronger. And you all are right. It does so suck to be the bad guy. Except...I am learning to see things differently, I think. Stands? You know? You are right. I cannot be the only parent that commercial is tearing into. I will call the next time I see it. Once I know what organization it is, I will call the station showing it. It won't do any good, I am sure. But I will feel better. In my heart, I am very sure the organization / treatment center whatver, would not be able to help difficult child. It is so strange that you should have posted that you feel inadequate to your situation, Esther. Your posts shine with a sense of determined decision and quiet strength. We (me, too) become so frustrated with our own pain, and with the pain we see in those we love, that we take on that pain sometimes, I think. We need to learn to forgive ourselves ~ all of us, not just women and not just you or me ~ for not seeming to have met some standard, some perfection that we don't see in our lives, or in the lives of those we love. I am learning, too. In a way, what we do (women in general and mothers in particular, I think) is make the music of our lives from behind the silver bars of a cage of how things should be. We look out between those pretty, shiny bars, bars comprised of how we have learned to define ourselves, and we sing. Hearing our song, our families take their senses of identity from us. Like Fran says, the mother is the spindle around which the family comes together. Your family is together, Esther. You are there, and that is where they come to learn who they are and how they are doing. We forget sometimes (mothers and fathers both) that this is really what a family is. It is where we learn who we are, and it is where we learn more is possible. It is where we come to touch the core of strength in us. Those are true things, I think. But, when we look around us these days, what we see is some plastic image of perfection and so, we feel inadequate. I know I do. Inadequate to the challenge, overwhelmed by the pain, by the sense of futility. But here is what I was thinking, this morning. Well, I guess I didn't think it, now that I think about it. There is a writer I especially love. Charles Williams. In one of his books (I think Descent Into Hell) he writes something about how a sense of feeling that the challenges we all face, whatever the nature of the challenge, is unfair or unusual increases the seeming weight of the burden the challenge carries. I have been thinking alot about that this morning. In a way, I am fueling my own resentment over here, every time I blame difficult child for his situation ~ every time I allow myself to wallow in who he is not. This morning, I am trying to understand that of course difficult child does not want things to be the way they are ~ that his burden then, is an even harsher one to bear than mine. Somehow, that is helping me, this morning. So. Looks like I got off track again! :smile: In any event Esther, I think that every one of us is performing her role beautifully. We are the mothers and wives (or the husbands and fathers) learning love and forgiveness and compassion and modeling those same values for our families. You ARE doing the best thing, Esther. You, and me too ~ we all are functioning as the touchstone, as the spindle (like Fran says), as the place those we love come for the real scoop. Which is noble as all get out, when you think about it. You are there, Esther. You listen, and you love them, and you do your work and go on. Why our families don't get it ~ now THERE is a darn good question. :smile: But that doesn't matter unless we let it. What matters for me this morning is that I work at letting go of that sense of personal resentment which fuels so much of my pain. Here is an interesting thing, everyone. Asthma (or whatever it is that is making it so darn near impossible for me to breathe or eat or sleep lately) can be viewed, if you have a mind set to do so, as the body's response to my having been swallowing my anger and gulping down big drafts of resentment. Which I have been doing. Oh, boy, have I been whining to myself about how unfair this is. I heard something on Oprah yesterday about how our illnesses will tell us what we need to change in our interpretation of ourselves in the world. So, I went looking for those emotional responses I am too ashamed to acknowledge and claim. And you know? I found them. But it isn't a matter of condemning myself. (Because if anyone feels inadequate to her situation, Esther? It's me!) It's a matter of learning to STOP condemning myself. I think we all do that to one degree or another, when our children are in pain. When I think about Fran's statement about the mother being the spindle around which the family revolves, I wonder whether our families would heal more quickly if we were happier. If I were happier. If I were happier, would it be easier for me to be honest with difficult child? Yes. Without anger behind the words I need to say, I am only telling the truth. WITH that sense of buried resentment fueling my thoughts and words, I am afraid to speak the truth. Afraid to hurt difficult child ~ or anyone, for that matter. But...what if I allowed myself to accept, to feel gratitude for what I have left, for the moment I am in? Would the truth be a less fearful thing to contemplate? Whatever. Looks like I am wandering off topic, again. :bag: And here is a thing I learned this morning. It was difficult child who brought up the renting the house out thing to husband. Apparently, out of the blue. Now, what the heck?!? So, is difficult child trying not to do what he sees coming, too? Barbara [/QUOTE]
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