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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 618588" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am finding these things to be true too, Recovering. I am recognizing the FOG in my day to day life, too. Not as overwhelming as what happens with the kids. I am realizing that FOG descending is where people pleasing begins. I remind myself of my new "practice" (ala the Vietnamese monk whose name I cannot remember right now) of riding the edge Brene Brown writes about. I see differently, now. Always before, I was so conscious of my own pain that I wanted to protect others from experiencing pain or discomfort.</p><p></p><p>I wanted to fix that for them. In the same way I tried so hard to prevent the bad things for myself and my sibs as a child, I suppose. Now, I am coming to understand it is of primary importance to value what <u>is</u>. In the normal, sane world of everyday life, there is a reason for pain or discomfort, there are things to be learned, there.</p><p></p><p>In a way, it is through pain that we respect ourselves and those we love. We have lost something of value, to feel the pain of its loss so keenly.</p><p></p><p>In letting go of the reality of the abused child, where the parents' discomfort meant something traumatic for me or a sibling...I am finally turning into a real person, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>Like Pinnocchio? I had to stop lying to become real.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I like myself alright. I am surprised to be here with myself, to be present in this way. I am becoming conscious, just lately, of all the pointless mental noise I engage in. Or of no longer trying to manipulate situations so things don't go bad, so my fraudulence is not exposed. </p><p></p><p>I don't mind so much, about fraudulence, anymore. I think I interest myself, now. I want to see what I do, what I think, how that all feels.</p><p></p><p>Such a tiny risk, for such an incredible wealth of presence and time. </p><p></p><p>We had discussed the way Providence seems to work just right ~ right timing, right experience, right people ~ for us to learn what we need when we are ready. This is so truly what is happening for me, Recovering. In all these years, I have never really believed there was a purpose to all this. I wanted to be compassionate. I did not want to cause further pain. That was pretty much all I knew. All at once, I see the pain, and find it beautiful, find it a worthy response to loss, find in it the true value of a thing.</p><p></p><p>Isn't that strange, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, we think we know everything we are going to learn and this whole new thing opens to us, welcomes us in, and nothing is ever the same, again. I think this must be the normal human progression, Recovering. (And Echo, and all of us, here.) We were stopped for all those years, turning back for our lost children, like...Isis or Persephone. </p><p></p><p>Here is an interesting thing: We so often use imagery of the FOG. This morning, there is what can only be described as fog here, but the sun is burning through, changing that darkness and dankness to brilliant mists and glittering droplets. </p><p></p><p>So, I was thinking of you, and of the FOG this morning, Recovering. And of how beautiful those things which seemed so dark and heavy and insurmountable can be, once our eyes are opened and the light shines through.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Oh! The bad man is in jail, still. We are thinking an eight to thirteen year sentence. He has not had his trial yet. difficult child daughter continues to improve physically. She is talking to the man who beat her almost daily on the phone. I don't know how that works. Apparently, he can call out? He has asked her to wait for him. She still thinks she is in love with him. We talk alot about how the brain works to protect us from knowledge of terror, and how the sound of his voice pops her back into terror. She has blocked out the whole experience. She did have a flashback a few days ago.</p><p></p><p>She talks with Shelter staff, and with the other women there, all the time about these kinds of things. She is in the best place she could be, I think.</p><p></p><p>difficult child granddaughter is...well, wait until you hear! So, she was required to begin school in the city where the aunt left her with her mother in the Shelter. Soon after Christmas break, it was the end of the semester for them and they were having finals. Granddaughter was required to take the finals, though she had never taken the classes. (By law, she had to attend school. She has been skipping classes, being generally reprehensible and resentful all year ~ and last year, her life was even more chaotic. Nonetheless, she had to take the semester exams in all classes.) Ha! Turns out, she did so well on everything ~ including math ~ that they popped her back into the advanced math class she would have been taking at this point if she'd never missed so much school, at all. The true miracle here is that she was excited enough about that to tell me about it herself instead of letting her mom do it! </p><p></p><p>With so much joy, Recovering. She told me about it with so much joy and pride....</p><p></p><p>So, I don't know what difficult child daughter is doing with difficult child granddaughter, but both are doing so well, and are doing so well together. difficult child daughter was an amazing (unconventional, half-crazy, but amazing) mom before all this happened.</p><p></p><p>So, we are waiting to see whether difficult child and granddaughter will be coming here or not. If they do, it would be as a vacation, and as a time for difficult child to think about relocating, here. </p><p></p><p>She will need to relocate.</p><p></p><p>difficult child has one more surgery in early February. She will have some pretty extensive brain function tests in March, when healing should be complete and an appropriate assessment can be made. difficult child is doing so well. She says that she feels reborn. (As well she might. He dragged her into a back room and left her, thinking, so we believe, that she was dead for something like thirteen hours.) </p><p></p><p>No telling what really happened, there. That difficult child daughter is recovering to the degree she is, as quickly as she is, is a miracle in itself. There was a time, shortly after the beating, when difficult child was emotionally labile and seemed to have no capacity for judgment or true thought, at all. Then, talking to her seemed like talking to a high school kid. Lately, she is talking about real things, making real connections. Critical thinking skills seem to have returned. </p><p></p><p>The shelter environment has been very good for difficult child and for granddaughter, too.</p><p></p><p>husband and I are good.</p><p></p><p>Recovering?</p><p></p><p>I am so glad you were here with and for me through this. Thank you so much for asking.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 618588, member: 17461"] I am finding these things to be true too, Recovering. I am recognizing the FOG in my day to day life, too. Not as overwhelming as what happens with the kids. I am realizing that FOG descending is where people pleasing begins. I remind myself of my new "practice" (ala the Vietnamese monk whose name I cannot remember right now) of riding the edge Brene Brown writes about. I see differently, now. Always before, I was so conscious of my own pain that I wanted to protect others from experiencing pain or discomfort. I wanted to fix that for them. In the same way I tried so hard to prevent the bad things for myself and my sibs as a child, I suppose. Now, I am coming to understand it is of primary importance to value what [U]is[/U]. In the normal, sane world of everyday life, there is a reason for pain or discomfort, there are things to be learned, there. In a way, it is through pain that we respect ourselves and those we love. We have lost something of value, to feel the pain of its loss so keenly. In letting go of the reality of the abused child, where the parents' discomfort meant something traumatic for me or a sibling...I am finally turning into a real person, Recovering. Like Pinnocchio? I had to stop lying to become real. :O) I like myself alright. I am surprised to be here with myself, to be present in this way. I am becoming conscious, just lately, of all the pointless mental noise I engage in. Or of no longer trying to manipulate situations so things don't go bad, so my fraudulence is not exposed. I don't mind so much, about fraudulence, anymore. I think I interest myself, now. I want to see what I do, what I think, how that all feels. Such a tiny risk, for such an incredible wealth of presence and time. We had discussed the way Providence seems to work just right ~ right timing, right experience, right people ~ for us to learn what we need when we are ready. This is so truly what is happening for me, Recovering. In all these years, I have never really believed there was a purpose to all this. I wanted to be compassionate. I did not want to cause further pain. That was pretty much all I knew. All at once, I see the pain, and find it beautiful, find it a worthy response to loss, find in it the true value of a thing. Isn't that strange, Recovering. Sometimes, we think we know everything we are going to learn and this whole new thing opens to us, welcomes us in, and nothing is ever the same, again. I think this must be the normal human progression, Recovering. (And Echo, and all of us, here.) We were stopped for all those years, turning back for our lost children, like...Isis or Persephone. Here is an interesting thing: We so often use imagery of the FOG. This morning, there is what can only be described as fog here, but the sun is burning through, changing that darkness and dankness to brilliant mists and glittering droplets. So, I was thinking of you, and of the FOG this morning, Recovering. And of how beautiful those things which seemed so dark and heavy and insurmountable can be, once our eyes are opened and the light shines through. Cedar Oh! The bad man is in jail, still. We are thinking an eight to thirteen year sentence. He has not had his trial yet. difficult child daughter continues to improve physically. She is talking to the man who beat her almost daily on the phone. I don't know how that works. Apparently, he can call out? He has asked her to wait for him. She still thinks she is in love with him. We talk alot about how the brain works to protect us from knowledge of terror, and how the sound of his voice pops her back into terror. She has blocked out the whole experience. She did have a flashback a few days ago. She talks with Shelter staff, and with the other women there, all the time about these kinds of things. She is in the best place she could be, I think. difficult child granddaughter is...well, wait until you hear! So, she was required to begin school in the city where the aunt left her with her mother in the Shelter. Soon after Christmas break, it was the end of the semester for them and they were having finals. Granddaughter was required to take the finals, though she had never taken the classes. (By law, she had to attend school. She has been skipping classes, being generally reprehensible and resentful all year ~ and last year, her life was even more chaotic. Nonetheless, she had to take the semester exams in all classes.) Ha! Turns out, she did so well on everything ~ including math ~ that they popped her back into the advanced math class she would have been taking at this point if she'd never missed so much school, at all. The true miracle here is that she was excited enough about that to tell me about it herself instead of letting her mom do it! With so much joy, Recovering. She told me about it with so much joy and pride.... So, I don't know what difficult child daughter is doing with difficult child granddaughter, but both are doing so well, and are doing so well together. difficult child daughter was an amazing (unconventional, half-crazy, but amazing) mom before all this happened. So, we are waiting to see whether difficult child and granddaughter will be coming here or not. If they do, it would be as a vacation, and as a time for difficult child to think about relocating, here. She will need to relocate. difficult child has one more surgery in early February. She will have some pretty extensive brain function tests in March, when healing should be complete and an appropriate assessment can be made. difficult child is doing so well. She says that she feels reborn. (As well she might. He dragged her into a back room and left her, thinking, so we believe, that she was dead for something like thirteen hours.) No telling what really happened, there. That difficult child daughter is recovering to the degree she is, as quickly as she is, is a miracle in itself. There was a time, shortly after the beating, when difficult child was emotionally labile and seemed to have no capacity for judgment or true thought, at all. Then, talking to her seemed like talking to a high school kid. Lately, she is talking about real things, making real connections. Critical thinking skills seem to have returned. The shelter environment has been very good for difficult child and for granddaughter, too. husband and I are good. Recovering? I am so glad you were here with and for me through this. Thank you so much for asking. :O) [/QUOTE]
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