Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Something good for us to remember
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 618784" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I'm sorry for the pain you feel when contemplating the loss of those relationships, Recovering. Growth is...well, growth is growth. We are nourished as well by what we lose as by what we keep, as we go about celebrating and cherishing newly created or freed aspects of self. There will come new relationships, relationships as rich, as complex and real, as you are now, yourself.</p><p></p><p>I agree that every relationship was predicated on whatever it is that passes for values in that blind, half depleted FOG state which was our only reality. Looking back? I am so glad I had anyone at all, Recovering. There was just so much of me that wasn't here, yet. So much fear, so much self centered fear.... When I become angry about how my childhood defined my life, it is that stupid terror, that fear of my own fraudulence ~ as though there could be such a thing! I am not sure whether I am more angry that it happened or more grateful that I have broken through it. My locus of control was not my own. I am so surprised by that understanding, Recovering. </p><p></p><p>So surprised and so angry!</p><p></p><p>With the right and the capacity to define myself beat out of me, I could choose to live only out of defiance. Poor judgment, off timing ~ all those things would be part of that. </p><p></p><p>I am moving very fast, now. As I did in the dream. Roaring through the dark.</p><p></p><p>Good.</p><p></p><p>That is just how it felt in the dream, too.</p><p></p><p>********************* </p><p></p><p>Pain is necessary for growth, I know that now. The compassionate response becomes silence. Respect, for someone else's pain or fear or learning time. It is just like that Vietnamese monk said, Recovering: We can listen. And that is gift enough. </p><p></p><p>I never knew that. </p><p></p><p>You know who else always fixes everything, is always smarter than everyone, is forever judging, calculating, estimating?</p><p></p><p>My mother.</p><p></p><p>Good for me, to have learned so valuable a thing.</p><p></p><p>*********************** </p><p> </p><p>You <u>were</u> delivered to a monster, Recovering. Only it was a worse monster than a real one could ever have been. You were delivered to a wordless kind of terror you could never address because it <u>was</u> wordless.</p><p></p><p>But you did address it, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>Defiantly, against all odds, you did address it, Recovering. Good for you and good, good, good for me.</p><p></p><p>The core of my fear, the core of the feeling of fraudulence, was that I believed myself to be who my mother could not help but teach me I was. Until I could see and taste the nature of her illness, I could not know those feelings were not mine, were not real. I could not know that this certainty that I was cowardly, intrinsically wrong, rotted somehow...meant nothing. (Coward was my interpretation of the flavor of my mother's condemnation. Something I could understand, something I could hold myself in as much contempt for as she held me in contempt.) Only...none of it had anything to do with me or even, with her. Whoever hurt my mother hurt me, too. </p><p></p><p>So, good for me and for her and good for you and good for all of us, that I was, that you were, able to find and heal some of that. Healed is better than wounded.</p><p></p><p>I am angry, so angry, at the pain of it, and at the waste. How many generations touched and twisted by whatever it was.</p><p></p><p>Grrr....</p><p></p><p></p><p>******************</p><p></p><p>Oh, I know what you mean, about my granddaughter, Recovering! I love and admire her so much. It was so hard to tell her I would not take her, that she would need to go to foster care. </p><p></p><p>But look what has happened, instead....</p><p></p><p>difficult child daughter and I were talking about the way granddaughter fought to get to her mother. When seen in that light, every action granddaughter took that seemed so wrong and bull headed...turned out to have been the right thing.</p><p></p><p>I don't like it that she is in a Shelter. My whole idea of children was the education track, the then you will have money and stuff track ~ the then you can buy grandma a condo in Hawaii track. (I have actually been known to say that.) </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>This granddaughter was born on my birthday. Oldest granddaughter and I were there throughout the labor and to cut the umbilical.</p><p></p><p>Life is strange. How does that go, Recovering? Something about life not only being stranger than we know, but stranger than we <u>can</u> know.</p><p></p><p>Yep.</p><p></p><p>***************</p><p></p><p>I feel that way too, Recovering. </p><p></p><p>We have been fortunate, but we have been possessed of great courage too, Recovering. </p><p></p><p>And this is only the beginning. That's the amazing thing. We are so amazed at the difference in what we see and hear and know now...and we've only just opened our eyes.</p><p></p><p>Thank goodness.</p><p></p><p>I am reminded of what Buddha was supposed to have said when someone said his eyes had been opened and now, he was awake. The response?</p><p></p><p>"So you believe."</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 618784, member: 17461"] I'm sorry for the pain you feel when contemplating the loss of those relationships, Recovering. Growth is...well, growth is growth. We are nourished as well by what we lose as by what we keep, as we go about celebrating and cherishing newly created or freed aspects of self. There will come new relationships, relationships as rich, as complex and real, as you are now, yourself. I agree that every relationship was predicated on whatever it is that passes for values in that blind, half depleted FOG state which was our only reality. Looking back? I am so glad I had anyone at all, Recovering. There was just so much of me that wasn't here, yet. So much fear, so much self centered fear.... When I become angry about how my childhood defined my life, it is that stupid terror, that fear of my own fraudulence ~ as though there could be such a thing! I am not sure whether I am more angry that it happened or more grateful that I have broken through it. My locus of control was not my own. I am so surprised by that understanding, Recovering. So surprised and so angry! With the right and the capacity to define myself beat out of me, I could choose to live only out of defiance. Poor judgment, off timing ~ all those things would be part of that. I am moving very fast, now. As I did in the dream. Roaring through the dark. Good. That is just how it felt in the dream, too. ********************* Pain is necessary for growth, I know that now. The compassionate response becomes silence. Respect, for someone else's pain or fear or learning time. It is just like that Vietnamese monk said, Recovering: We can listen. And that is gift enough. I never knew that. You know who else always fixes everything, is always smarter than everyone, is forever judging, calculating, estimating? My mother. Good for me, to have learned so valuable a thing. *********************** You [U]were[/U] delivered to a monster, Recovering. Only it was a worse monster than a real one could ever have been. You were delivered to a wordless kind of terror you could never address because it [U]was[/U] wordless. But you did address it, Recovering. Defiantly, against all odds, you did address it, Recovering. Good for you and good, good, good for me. The core of my fear, the core of the feeling of fraudulence, was that I believed myself to be who my mother could not help but teach me I was. Until I could see and taste the nature of her illness, I could not know those feelings were not mine, were not real. I could not know that this certainty that I was cowardly, intrinsically wrong, rotted somehow...meant nothing. (Coward was my interpretation of the flavor of my mother's condemnation. Something I could understand, something I could hold myself in as much contempt for as she held me in contempt.) Only...none of it had anything to do with me or even, with her. Whoever hurt my mother hurt me, too. So, good for me and for her and good for you and good for all of us, that I was, that you were, able to find and heal some of that. Healed is better than wounded. I am angry, so angry, at the pain of it, and at the waste. How many generations touched and twisted by whatever it was. Grrr.... ****************** Oh, I know what you mean, about my granddaughter, Recovering! I love and admire her so much. It was so hard to tell her I would not take her, that she would need to go to foster care. But look what has happened, instead.... difficult child daughter and I were talking about the way granddaughter fought to get to her mother. When seen in that light, every action granddaughter took that seemed so wrong and bull headed...turned out to have been the right thing. I don't like it that she is in a Shelter. My whole idea of children was the education track, the then you will have money and stuff track ~ the then you can buy grandma a condo in Hawaii track. (I have actually been known to say that.) :O) This granddaughter was born on my birthday. Oldest granddaughter and I were there throughout the labor and to cut the umbilical. Life is strange. How does that go, Recovering? Something about life not only being stranger than we know, but stranger than we [U]can[/U] know. Yep. *************** I feel that way too, Recovering. We have been fortunate, but we have been possessed of great courage too, Recovering. And this is only the beginning. That's the amazing thing. We are so amazed at the difference in what we see and hear and know now...and we've only just opened our eyes. Thank goodness. I am reminded of what Buddha was supposed to have said when someone said his eyes had been opened and now, he was awake. The response? "So you believe." Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Something good for us to remember
Top