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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 618844" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I really do enjoy reading your posts Cedar.</p><p></p><p><em>"There will come new relationships, relationships as rich, as complex and real, as you are now, yourself."</em></p><p></p><p>When I read that line Cedar, I thought of <strong><em>you</em></strong>.................MWM............ New connections forming with Echolette, Backinthesaddle, Childofmine..........those of us battling the forces to find our peace.............it reminds me of how guys who face battle together form life long friendships..........they've been in places others just don't understand and that bond is very strong.</p><p></p><p>I went through a lot of pain in the midst of my decision to remove myself from those unhealthy relationships............but the pain was in the deciding, once the decision was made, I felt freed and the pain subsided. </p><p></p><p>Identifying traits which are similar to your mother's is a big realization Cedar. I believe that is a huge part of our healing.........otherwise we respond as they did, with our own personal twist on the way it's done..........but nonetheless, there it is. I have been in relationship with women who, like you and I, had mother issues, and as I got healthier, it became pretty obvious that without recognizing the part of themselves which inherited their mother's traits, they were destined to repeat them...................on me!! So, my exit strategy would then become quick and determined! I worked through much of my mother stuff with various connections with women over the years............choosing women who, like my mother, did harm to me...........until I woke up and attempted to heal it or leave it. </p><p></p><p>Relationships are the gateway to our growth. Without them, we may not have the emotions and the pain, but we forfeit the intimacy and growth in favor of <em>perceived</em> safety in our isolation.............</p><p></p><p>I love the image of you "roaring through the dark." I had such a great picture of it in my mind, a streak of brilliant white riding the current of change through the night sky............a smile on your face and a glint in your eye.............ready full tilt for whatever life has in store for you............</p><p></p><p>When I realized that my grandmother did the same <em>monster scaring</em> thing to my mother............it changed a lot for me. I could see how my mother shut down in fear and never regained herself..........she didn't face it, she is very removed from life.......I see it as very sad now, she lost her whole life and never really participated in life............now she is 88 years old and for all intents and purposes, alone. No intimacy, connections, she kept herself isolated from all pain which meant she kept herself isolated from life, from joy, from all of it. As Brene Brown says, you can't just cut off the pain, you cut it ALL off.</p><p></p><p>I imagine it was very, very hard to tell your granddaughter no.............my oh my...........but look how it turned out! Allowing them to live out their own fate empowers them. <em>WE</em> don't know what their fate is. Just as my granddaughter's therapist told me 14 years ago, right after her father killed himself..............I was so distraught and so filled with sorrow...........my precious little girl hurting for her Daddy................and the therapist said, "we don't know her fate, she may have gone through this tragedy and someday be a therapist who specializes in children whose parents committed suicide." I still think about those words when I see my granddaughter being there for her peers in such a compassionate way................we just don't know Cedar, and <em>now we cannot interfere..........</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I have been told I have courage and before I didn't really look at it like that because I was just doing what had to be done or what I thought to be right. Now I can see the risks I took, the courage I've had to face all that I've faced. As I have said to you a couple of times, YOU have great courage Cedar.............it's good to own it, it rounds us out in important ways..........</p><p></p><p>I am discovering a wonderful newness, a real sense of abundance and gratitude all around me.................without the FOG, one can see so clearly, so far away, so well............it's a delight to be making this journey with you and the rest of the gang here..............as my SO always says to me, "we don't know where we're going............but we're on our way!!"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 618844, member: 13542"] I really do enjoy reading your posts Cedar. [I]"There will come new relationships, relationships as rich, as complex and real, as you are now, yourself."[/I] [I][/I] When I read that line Cedar, I thought of [B][I]you[/I][/B].................MWM............ New connections forming with Echolette, Backinthesaddle, Childofmine..........those of us battling the forces to find our peace.............it reminds me of how guys who face battle together form life long friendships..........they've been in places others just don't understand and that bond is very strong. I went through a lot of pain in the midst of my decision to remove myself from those unhealthy relationships............but the pain was in the deciding, once the decision was made, I felt freed and the pain subsided. Identifying traits which are similar to your mother's is a big realization Cedar. I believe that is a huge part of our healing.........otherwise we respond as they did, with our own personal twist on the way it's done..........but nonetheless, there it is. I have been in relationship with women who, like you and I, had mother issues, and as I got healthier, it became pretty obvious that without recognizing the part of themselves which inherited their mother's traits, they were destined to repeat them...................on me!! So, my exit strategy would then become quick and determined! I worked through much of my mother stuff with various connections with women over the years............choosing women who, like my mother, did harm to me...........until I woke up and attempted to heal it or leave it. Relationships are the gateway to our growth. Without them, we may not have the emotions and the pain, but we forfeit the intimacy and growth in favor of [I]perceived[/I] safety in our isolation............. I love the image of you "roaring through the dark." I had such a great picture of it in my mind, a streak of brilliant white riding the current of change through the night sky............a smile on your face and a glint in your eye.............ready full tilt for whatever life has in store for you............ When I realized that my grandmother did the same [I]monster scaring[/I] thing to my mother............it changed a lot for me. I could see how my mother shut down in fear and never regained herself..........she didn't face it, she is very removed from life.......I see it as very sad now, she lost her whole life and never really participated in life............now she is 88 years old and for all intents and purposes, alone. No intimacy, connections, she kept herself isolated from all pain which meant she kept herself isolated from life, from joy, from all of it. As Brene Brown says, you can't just cut off the pain, you cut it ALL off. I imagine it was very, very hard to tell your granddaughter no.............my oh my...........but look how it turned out! Allowing them to live out their own fate empowers them. [I]WE[/I] don't know what their fate is. Just as my granddaughter's therapist told me 14 years ago, right after her father killed himself..............I was so distraught and so filled with sorrow...........my precious little girl hurting for her Daddy................and the therapist said, "we don't know her fate, she may have gone through this tragedy and someday be a therapist who specializes in children whose parents committed suicide." I still think about those words when I see my granddaughter being there for her peers in such a compassionate way................we just don't know Cedar, and [I]now we cannot interfere.......... [/I] I have been told I have courage and before I didn't really look at it like that because I was just doing what had to be done or what I thought to be right. Now I can see the risks I took, the courage I've had to face all that I've faced. As I have said to you a couple of times, YOU have great courage Cedar.............it's good to own it, it rounds us out in important ways.......... I am discovering a wonderful newness, a real sense of abundance and gratitude all around me.................without the FOG, one can see so clearly, so far away, so well............it's a delight to be making this journey with you and the rest of the gang here..............as my SO always says to me, "we don't know where we're going............but we're on our way!!" [/QUOTE]
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