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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 619361" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Isn't it a remarkable thing to understand that, in recognizing the true reward <u>to ourselves</u> in enabling, in forcing ourselves to turn away from that and to practice whatever detachment skills we've managed to accumulate, in requiring right action from ourselves...we are all becoming that strong, so wise mom I always wondered about? That mom whose children know a right way to go because she does not enable out of some false sense of intrinsic superiority. Whatever the situation they've gotten themselves into, she trusts them, she absolutely trusts that they have what it takes to figure it out, never once requiring of herself that she know something she has not prepared herself to know. </p><p></p><p>That question never occurs to her.</p><p></p><p>Imagine that.</p><p></p><p>Fraudulence. The essence of that fraudulence thing I am always talking about. (Only talking about me, here. Not you, Nomad.)</p><p></p><p>Judgment doesn't even enter into it, for a mom like that. It's like: "Ew! Sucks to be you, today."</p><p></p><p>When I am more healed, more centered in myself than I am today, I will be able to do that for my kids, too. It seems to me that (for me) the crux of the enabling thing has to do with confronting that belief in my own inefficacy. In covering all the bases, I protected, not difficult child, but...myself. It was a way of comforting myself, of knowing I had done everything I could. I covered all the bases and then some. In that traumatic events with my kids reawaken traumatic conclusions I drew about me, about the who that would ever be all that I am in relation to the all powerful abuser as she taught and reinforced this reality...I actually responded pretty courageously.</p><p></p><p>But I covered the courage in diving so deep with a weak patina of "They need me. I am responsible. I can fix this. If I can find it, I can fix it."</p><p></p><p>Martyrdom so sucks.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I don't know how many years I was in therapy for just exactly this issue, this response.</p><p></p><p>That explains the depth of the FOG response to a crisis. I'm looking right into a chasm, right into the where and how I learned to survive, to be prepared, to hope to be perfect or at least, perfectly acceptable. I fall apart, babble and shake and fixate not for the child's sake <u>but for my own, as I confront old trauma.</u></p><p></p><p>And it isn't working. (Like in that movie Christmas Vacation. When Chevy tested every light and finally got them going? And the father-in-law says, "The little lights aren't twinkling."</p><p></p><p>Yeah.</p><p></p><p>This was a difficult thing, Nomad. But it was truly the right thing. There is no fear in that answer to your child's threat. Maybe it is the lack of fear in us, along with the unspoken (for once!) understanding that the kids will have to figure things out in some way that doesn't involve blackmailing us that lets the kids know what is true and what still needs to be explored. </p><p></p><p>So maybe, detachment boils down to holding strong in the face of our own emotions once we decide to stop the blackmail. Which is beginning, the more I look at it, to seem like a thing fueled by both sides.... </p><p></p><p>So not fair to the kids.</p><p></p><p>Best to do it quickly, then.</p><p></p><p>And maybe that is why kids sometimes turn their lives around when we get it, stop enabling, and begin, however feebly (talking about myself, here) our detachment practice.</p><p></p><p>I learned so many painful things through responding to your honesty, Nomad.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 619361, member: 17461"] Isn't it a remarkable thing to understand that, in recognizing the true reward [U]to ourselves[/U] in enabling, in forcing ourselves to turn away from that and to practice whatever detachment skills we've managed to accumulate, in requiring right action from ourselves...we are all becoming that strong, so wise mom I always wondered about? That mom whose children know a right way to go because she does not enable out of some false sense of intrinsic superiority. Whatever the situation they've gotten themselves into, she trusts them, she absolutely trusts that they have what it takes to figure it out, never once requiring of herself that she know something she has not prepared herself to know. That question never occurs to her. Imagine that. Fraudulence. The essence of that fraudulence thing I am always talking about. (Only talking about me, here. Not you, Nomad.) Judgment doesn't even enter into it, for a mom like that. It's like: "Ew! Sucks to be you, today." When I am more healed, more centered in myself than I am today, I will be able to do that for my kids, too. It seems to me that (for me) the crux of the enabling thing has to do with confronting that belief in my own inefficacy. In covering all the bases, I protected, not difficult child, but...myself. It was a way of comforting myself, of knowing I had done everything I could. I covered all the bases and then some. In that traumatic events with my kids reawaken traumatic conclusions I drew about me, about the who that would ever be all that I am in relation to the all powerful abuser as she taught and reinforced this reality...I actually responded pretty courageously. But I covered the courage in diving so deep with a weak patina of "They need me. I am responsible. I can fix this. If I can find it, I can fix it." Martyrdom so sucks. :O) I don't know how many years I was in therapy for just exactly this issue, this response. That explains the depth of the FOG response to a crisis. I'm looking right into a chasm, right into the where and how I learned to survive, to be prepared, to hope to be perfect or at least, perfectly acceptable. I fall apart, babble and shake and fixate not for the child's sake [U]but for my own, as I confront old trauma.[/U] And it isn't working. (Like in that movie Christmas Vacation. When Chevy tested every light and finally got them going? And the father-in-law says, "The little lights aren't twinkling." Yeah. This was a difficult thing, Nomad. But it was truly the right thing. There is no fear in that answer to your child's threat. Maybe it is the lack of fear in us, along with the unspoken (for once!) understanding that the kids will have to figure things out in some way that doesn't involve blackmailing us that lets the kids know what is true and what still needs to be explored. So maybe, detachment boils down to holding strong in the face of our own emotions once we decide to stop the blackmail. Which is beginning, the more I look at it, to seem like a thing fueled by both sides.... So not fair to the kids. Best to do it quickly, then. And maybe that is why kids sometimes turn their lives around when we get it, stop enabling, and begin, however feebly (talking about myself, here) our detachment practice. I learned so many painful things through responding to your honesty, Nomad. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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