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Sometimes Extended Families Stink
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 105141" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: nvts</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Did you ever feel like it's just self-preservation to throw in the towel? </div></div></p><p></p><p>{{Beth}} Yes, I've done it with my loco sister, several times. Actually, the last time I think it was 2 years ago. She just went ape-doo doo on me over something she had heard wrong and misconstrued completely regarding our two dds. It had been going on for years and I just would tell easy child to take the higher road, ignore her cousin, etc. :blah: and I would do the same with my sister. I did this because I am a peacemaker. I hate the constant conflict with this particular sister. She usually has the entire family walking on eggshells and up until that point, me included. After she flipped out on me and called me and my daughter names, I told her off - I told her that she was demented and needed mental help and to never call me or contact me again. </p><p></p><p>I was ready to quit my job (I work with her H for over 14 years and run his offices). I put my H on notice that I may be unemployed shortly. I was just tired of being afraid to stand up to her and it finally had to end. I even sought counseling so I could learn to detach from her with love - I didn't want our relationship to end over a fight. I had to do it this way so I could live with myself. It really helped me to sort out so many past regressions regarding this sister. </p><p></p><p>All my other siblings pleaded with me to forget and forgive and call her. I refused - <strong>it was my self preservation, it was a matter of saving my sanity and protecting my family</strong>. Very few people understand this if they haven't been through it. Everyone in my family even admitted that they could never and would never live in such close proximity to this particular sister. They didn't know how I did it for so long.</p><p></p><p>Now, that said...I tell you Beth. Plan your holidays, invite them if you must or just send out an email to everyone stating that you're having a quiet Christmas. If they would like to attend, great, they can let you know. Otherwise, you'll see them next time. And then let it go. You're right, you don't owe them anything and you don't always need to be the peacemaker. Let them stew through it - they are going to anyway. </p><p></p><p>In the meantime, get yourself some support, take care of yourself and just live in peace. Enjoy the tranquility of a peaceful Christmas surrounded by people, friends and family that your DO love and cherish and who love and cherish you in return. </p><p></p><p>There is no rule that says just because you share the same blood, you're all going to get along and want to spend time together. YOu have the right to be surrounded by people who love you and want to have a healthy relationship. Once I figured that out, I was able to let go of all the guilt I had about detaching from my sister. </p><p></p><p>We're better now, but I am always on guard. And when I am unable to spend time with her, I simply bow out. No excuses, just say I'm not into whatever has been planned or that I have other plans. I just can't allow others to treat me poorly and misjudge me anymore and I won't tolerate attending a function under the guise of it being all about family, when it doesn't feel that way to me.</p><p></p><p>Sending many many gentle hugs your way. I hope that things work out. It may not be in time for this holiday season, but I hope it does.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 105141, member: 2211"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: nvts</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Did you ever feel like it's just self-preservation to throw in the towel? </div></div> {{Beth}} Yes, I've done it with my loco sister, several times. Actually, the last time I think it was 2 years ago. She just went ape-doo doo on me over something she had heard wrong and misconstrued completely regarding our two dds. It had been going on for years and I just would tell easy child to take the higher road, ignore her cousin, etc. [img]:blah:[/img] and I would do the same with my sister. I did this because I am a peacemaker. I hate the constant conflict with this particular sister. She usually has the entire family walking on eggshells and up until that point, me included. After she flipped out on me and called me and my daughter names, I told her off - I told her that she was demented and needed mental help and to never call me or contact me again. I was ready to quit my job (I work with her H for over 14 years and run his offices). I put my H on notice that I may be unemployed shortly. I was just tired of being afraid to stand up to her and it finally had to end. I even sought counseling so I could learn to detach from her with love - I didn't want our relationship to end over a fight. I had to do it this way so I could live with myself. It really helped me to sort out so many past regressions regarding this sister. All my other siblings pleaded with me to forget and forgive and call her. I refused - [b]it was my self preservation, it was a matter of saving my sanity and protecting my family[/b]. Very few people understand this if they haven't been through it. Everyone in my family even admitted that they could never and would never live in such close proximity to this particular sister. They didn't know how I did it for so long. Now, that said...I tell you Beth. Plan your holidays, invite them if you must or just send out an email to everyone stating that you're having a quiet Christmas. If they would like to attend, great, they can let you know. Otherwise, you'll see them next time. And then let it go. You're right, you don't owe them anything and you don't always need to be the peacemaker. Let them stew through it - they are going to anyway. In the meantime, get yourself some support, take care of yourself and just live in peace. Enjoy the tranquility of a peaceful Christmas surrounded by people, friends and family that your DO love and cherish and who love and cherish you in return. There is no rule that says just because you share the same blood, you're all going to get along and want to spend time together. YOu have the right to be surrounded by people who love you and want to have a healthy relationship. Once I figured that out, I was able to let go of all the guilt I had about detaching from my sister. We're better now, but I am always on guard. And when I am unable to spend time with her, I simply bow out. No excuses, just say I'm not into whatever has been planned or that I have other plans. I just can't allow others to treat me poorly and misjudge me anymore and I won't tolerate attending a function under the guise of it being all about family, when it doesn't feel that way to me. Sending many many gentle hugs your way. I hope that things work out. It may not be in time for this holiday season, but I hope it does. [/QUOTE]
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