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Sometimes I feel like I have abandoned her :(
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 697122" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi dakini and welcome to the forum. We're glad you're here. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry about your daughter. Just reading your story, I was thinking about her doing research at a homeless shelter for her degree and finding "something" appealing in what she saw and heard there, enough to just walk away from her life and take up with somebody who has serious problems. I'm just imagining that. I guess in some part of all of us is a little part that says, to heck with it all, and I'm going to do something completely different. Is that what happened? Or did she "fall in love" with this master manipulator? I understand that too. Or is she using drugs herself---which could account for every bit of it? Or is there some additional issue she is struggling with? </p><p></p><p>Whatever it is and whatever triggered this choice...she made the choice. She walked away from her life of progress and decided to do this...at least for right now. Who knows? </p><p></p><p>You didn't decide this. You didn't choose it or cause it, no matter what you have done or said in the past. As others have said, she is an adult. At age 28, she's not a teenager anymore. She has a right to choose her life, and as RE said, we have a right not to like it one little bit. It's still her life. As hard as that is to accept. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You feel that you love her more than anybody ever did or could. We so understand that here. We have all believed that our deep love for our kids would surely be able to save them from themselves and their own bad choices. Sadly, it doesn't. That doesn't mean we don't still love them, but over time, most of us have been forced to learn how to stand back and watch from a distance. Not abandon them. But let them go as best we can, as imperfectly as we can, to find their own way. We're still here and we will love and support and encourage them---when they will allow it, but we have set boundaries---many kinds of boundaries----that prevent them from using us continually for their own purposes. I don't know about you, but I'm not going to fund behavior like this, that I believe is self-destructive. In fact, I don't want to be around it very much at all. </p><p></p><p>We so understand here. You have not abandoned your daughter. She has walked away from a life of purpose and progress for some reason, it appears. All of the years before she made this choice are still within her. She can't forget those years and all she learned during that time. I hope and pray she turns and walks back to this life, sooner rather than later. This man she is with is very unlikely to provide a stable life for her for very long. His issues will resurface, and they are very likely to ultimately cause great conflict between them. You can't really have a relationship with anybody when you are serving the master of addiction and untreated mental illness. </p><p></p><p>Please keep posting. We care and we understand.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 697122, member: 17542"] Hi dakini and welcome to the forum. We're glad you're here. I'm so sorry about your daughter. Just reading your story, I was thinking about her doing research at a homeless shelter for her degree and finding "something" appealing in what she saw and heard there, enough to just walk away from her life and take up with somebody who has serious problems. I'm just imagining that. I guess in some part of all of us is a little part that says, to heck with it all, and I'm going to do something completely different. Is that what happened? Or did she "fall in love" with this master manipulator? I understand that too. Or is she using drugs herself---which could account for every bit of it? Or is there some additional issue she is struggling with? Whatever it is and whatever triggered this choice...she made the choice. She walked away from her life of progress and decided to do this...at least for right now. Who knows? You didn't decide this. You didn't choose it or cause it, no matter what you have done or said in the past. As others have said, she is an adult. At age 28, she's not a teenager anymore. She has a right to choose her life, and as RE said, we have a right not to like it one little bit. It's still her life. As hard as that is to accept. You feel that you love her more than anybody ever did or could. We so understand that here. We have all believed that our deep love for our kids would surely be able to save them from themselves and their own bad choices. Sadly, it doesn't. That doesn't mean we don't still love them, but over time, most of us have been forced to learn how to stand back and watch from a distance. Not abandon them. But let them go as best we can, as imperfectly as we can, to find their own way. We're still here and we will love and support and encourage them---when they will allow it, but we have set boundaries---many kinds of boundaries----that prevent them from using us continually for their own purposes. I don't know about you, but I'm not going to fund behavior like this, that I believe is self-destructive. In fact, I don't want to be around it very much at all. We so understand here. You have not abandoned your daughter. She has walked away from a life of purpose and progress for some reason, it appears. All of the years before she made this choice are still within her. She can't forget those years and all she learned during that time. I hope and pray she turns and walks back to this life, sooner rather than later. This man she is with is very unlikely to provide a stable life for her for very long. His issues will resurface, and they are very likely to ultimately cause great conflict between them. You can't really have a relationship with anybody when you are serving the master of addiction and untreated mental illness. Please keep posting. We care and we understand. [/QUOTE]
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Sometimes I feel like I have abandoned her :(
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