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Son, 30, has been in jail over a month
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 664327" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi, LP and welcome. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There is one more choice. "Rocking along like this for a while." My son did that one for nearly six years, alternating with In-Jail and Homeless. Your son likely has done it too, for a while. LP, most of our DCs don't die, and jails are overcrowded so they don't keep them nearly as long as they should, in my humble opinion, and some of them do get clean and sober in time. Your son is on a journey of his own making, and it is impossible to know what is next for him. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It will be hard to tell him, but you need to tell him. Keep it short, and simple, and get off the phone quickly. Don't subject yourself to his abuse.</p><p></p><p>You: Son, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I love you, but I am not going to bail you out of jail this time. I'm sorry. </p><p></p><p>Then...the heat will start, and again, keep it simple: I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sure you will figure things out. </p><p></p><p>Don't engage and don't fall into the guilt trap.</p><p></p><p>Like you said, he is a master at manipulation. My son was too. I fell for it 1000 times, and caved in. Finally, I could clearly see that nothing I had done had changed one single thing. His life was still a train wreck, and sadly, so was mine. </p><p></p><p>I finally got sick and tired enough to learn how to stop. It didn't come easy and I made a lot of mistakes as I learned how to stop. But that's okay, too, LP. We are not perfect, and being perfect isn't the goal.</p><p></p><p>Doing something good for them and for us is the goal. The sooner you and I can get out of the way and stay out of the way, the better off EVERYBODY is.</p><p></p><p>Today, start standing back. Work on YOU. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. That is a great first book for we enablers. She is a straight talker and what she says resonates very clearly.</p><p></p><p>Keep posting here. We understand your pain and your grief and your fear for your son. We also understand how sick of it all you are. </p><p></p><p>If you are sick enough...start the process of change in you. It will be hard, make no mistake about it. </p><p></p><p>Having him in jail actually will make it easier on you. Because he can't "get at you" so easily.</p><p></p><p>We care. We get it. Warm hugs today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 664327, member: 17542"] Hi, LP and welcome. There is one more choice. "Rocking along like this for a while." My son did that one for nearly six years, alternating with In-Jail and Homeless. Your son likely has done it too, for a while. LP, most of our DCs don't die, and jails are overcrowded so they don't keep them nearly as long as they should, in my humble opinion, and some of them do get clean and sober in time. Your son is on a journey of his own making, and it is impossible to know what is next for him. It will be hard to tell him, but you need to tell him. Keep it short, and simple, and get off the phone quickly. Don't subject yourself to his abuse. You: Son, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I love you, but I am not going to bail you out of jail this time. I'm sorry. Then...the heat will start, and again, keep it simple: I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sure you will figure things out. Don't engage and don't fall into the guilt trap. Like you said, he is a master at manipulation. My son was too. I fell for it 1000 times, and caved in. Finally, I could clearly see that nothing I had done had changed one single thing. His life was still a train wreck, and sadly, so was mine. I finally got sick and tired enough to learn how to stop. It didn't come easy and I made a lot of mistakes as I learned how to stop. But that's okay, too, LP. We are not perfect, and being perfect isn't the goal. Doing something good for them and for us is the goal. The sooner you and I can get out of the way and stay out of the way, the better off EVERYBODY is. Today, start standing back. Work on YOU. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. That is a great first book for we enablers. She is a straight talker and what she says resonates very clearly. Keep posting here. We understand your pain and your grief and your fear for your son. We also understand how sick of it all you are. If you are sick enough...start the process of change in you. It will be hard, make no mistake about it. Having him in jail actually will make it easier on you. Because he can't "get at you" so easily. We care. We get it. Warm hugs today. [/QUOTE]
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Son, 30, has been in jail over a month
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