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Failure to Thrive
Son and our home.
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 697850" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>At 23 with college soon over, you will do him NO favors if you let him stay in your home and ignore your rules. That is, in my opinion, the root of the current generation's failure to launch problem. He needs to be in his own home, and to have to struggle to pay for his own home. I know my parents had a firm 'go to school or get out' rule and I was out long before I was out of college. We did live with my folks later but it was at their request and for a very specified duration, and it ended up causing a whole lot of problems for all of us. Lots of that was due to my older brother, but that is whole other thing. </p><p></p><p>Your son sounds entitled and a bit lazy. Having his own apartment where he has to pay the bills or go without stuff will make him struggle, but that is how we grow and it is necessary. My oldest son just moved out of my parents' home and in my opinion they let him live there WAY too long. I have not ever told them I think this because it is not my home, and it was not my business to tell them to do this. My oldest is my difficult one and he has come so far and I have no issues with him now. He is very respectful and sweet to all of us, and if he hadn't been, he would NOT have been in my parents' home. My mom was always the QUEEN of creative but logical consequences and not rescuing us from them, so if he had been disrespectful, well, I had faith she could have stopped him in his tracks. </p><p></p><p>I think some creative problem solving might solve your issues. You MUST be on the same page with your husband though. If you are not united, this will only end up harming your marriage and your son at the same time. I once heard a lecture from a parenting/teaching expert who said that any plan for change and behavior change especially should be made in advance and you should ask for help/advice from other parents to see if they can help you stop any 'loopholes' before they start. </p><p></p><p>Changing your mind is not bad, and just because you said he could stay does NOT mean that you are not allowed to change your mind and say he cannot. Esp as you will be giving him plenty of notice! Make sure that it is firm in your mind and in your hubby's mind that the change is due to your son's ACTIONS. Your son CHOSE to not only ignore the no guests rule but also chose to lie and sneak rather than to be open and honest. It is, in my opinion, the lying and sneakiness that give your husband the thought that he is not comfortable with guests in your home when you are not there. So don't put up with the arguing, just tell your son that the plan has changed, that eh cannot live there after college, and that the change is due to HIS ACTIONS.</p><p></p><p>If your son attempts to stay at your home when you are not there, call the police and have him removed or else remove your support from some other activity. Don't pay his phone bill if he is on your plan, or cut off the internet when you are not at home, and do other things to make staying there unattractive. It isn't hard to unplug the internet router and take it with you, or the cable box for the tv either. These are things our kids often find crucial for enjoying life, so take them away if you do not want him to be there without you. </p><p></p><p>When you tell your son the new plan, don't argue. Don't debate or discuss. Tell him calmly what will be, and if he argues, debates or justifies, get up and walk away. Just leave the room. I won't EVER forget when my mom started doing that to my brother. He tried four times over 2 months to get me to help him have her committed to a psychiatric hospital because he would start to argue and she would just leave the room. Sometimes she just went into the bathroom and even with his lack of boundaries my brother would NOT follow her in there. Even as kids we knew that would be the end of life as we knew it, lol. But my bro was totally serious that my mother, who was still a college professor at the time, was senile all of a sudden because she would not listen to him for hours as he ranted. I still find it kind of funny that he thought that he COULD have her sent away. It did end his arguing for hours just to hear himself argue. It also ended several other bad habits because if bro didn't leave shortly after she walked away, my dad would go and tell him to go home. It drove my bro nuts for almost a year, but eventually he accepted it. </p><p></p><p>Your son may argue, or try to. Just be calm and firm, and then make it happen your way. </p><p></p><p>I think your hubby shows good sense with his rule of no guests. I have seen a few houses around here after adult kids had parties that got posted on facebook or twitter. One of the houses ended up getting condemned due to damage from the party! Other houses had thousands of dollars of damage to them. It is a wise rule because the way things are posted on social media and then go viral, this could happen even if your son thought he only invited 5 or 6 people over. it is just nuts but it is happening all over the country.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 697850, member: 1233"] At 23 with college soon over, you will do him NO favors if you let him stay in your home and ignore your rules. That is, in my opinion, the root of the current generation's failure to launch problem. He needs to be in his own home, and to have to struggle to pay for his own home. I know my parents had a firm 'go to school or get out' rule and I was out long before I was out of college. We did live with my folks later but it was at their request and for a very specified duration, and it ended up causing a whole lot of problems for all of us. Lots of that was due to my older brother, but that is whole other thing. Your son sounds entitled and a bit lazy. Having his own apartment where he has to pay the bills or go without stuff will make him struggle, but that is how we grow and it is necessary. My oldest son just moved out of my parents' home and in my opinion they let him live there WAY too long. I have not ever told them I think this because it is not my home, and it was not my business to tell them to do this. My oldest is my difficult one and he has come so far and I have no issues with him now. He is very respectful and sweet to all of us, and if he hadn't been, he would NOT have been in my parents' home. My mom was always the QUEEN of creative but logical consequences and not rescuing us from them, so if he had been disrespectful, well, I had faith she could have stopped him in his tracks. I think some creative problem solving might solve your issues. You MUST be on the same page with your husband though. If you are not united, this will only end up harming your marriage and your son at the same time. I once heard a lecture from a parenting/teaching expert who said that any plan for change and behavior change especially should be made in advance and you should ask for help/advice from other parents to see if they can help you stop any 'loopholes' before they start. Changing your mind is not bad, and just because you said he could stay does NOT mean that you are not allowed to change your mind and say he cannot. Esp as you will be giving him plenty of notice! Make sure that it is firm in your mind and in your hubby's mind that the change is due to your son's ACTIONS. Your son CHOSE to not only ignore the no guests rule but also chose to lie and sneak rather than to be open and honest. It is, in my opinion, the lying and sneakiness that give your husband the thought that he is not comfortable with guests in your home when you are not there. So don't put up with the arguing, just tell your son that the plan has changed, that eh cannot live there after college, and that the change is due to HIS ACTIONS. If your son attempts to stay at your home when you are not there, call the police and have him removed or else remove your support from some other activity. Don't pay his phone bill if he is on your plan, or cut off the internet when you are not at home, and do other things to make staying there unattractive. It isn't hard to unplug the internet router and take it with you, or the cable box for the tv either. These are things our kids often find crucial for enjoying life, so take them away if you do not want him to be there without you. When you tell your son the new plan, don't argue. Don't debate or discuss. Tell him calmly what will be, and if he argues, debates or justifies, get up and walk away. Just leave the room. I won't EVER forget when my mom started doing that to my brother. He tried four times over 2 months to get me to help him have her committed to a psychiatric hospital because he would start to argue and she would just leave the room. Sometimes she just went into the bathroom and even with his lack of boundaries my brother would NOT follow her in there. Even as kids we knew that would be the end of life as we knew it, lol. But my bro was totally serious that my mother, who was still a college professor at the time, was senile all of a sudden because she would not listen to him for hours as he ranted. I still find it kind of funny that he thought that he COULD have her sent away. It did end his arguing for hours just to hear himself argue. It also ended several other bad habits because if bro didn't leave shortly after she walked away, my dad would go and tell him to go home. It drove my bro nuts for almost a year, but eventually he accepted it. Your son may argue, or try to. Just be calm and firm, and then make it happen your way. I think your hubby shows good sense with his rule of no guests. I have seen a few houses around here after adult kids had parties that got posted on facebook or twitter. One of the houses ended up getting condemned due to damage from the party! Other houses had thousands of dollars of damage to them. It is a wise rule because the way things are posted on social media and then go viral, this could happen even if your son thought he only invited 5 or 6 people over. it is just nuts but it is happening all over the country. [/QUOTE]
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