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Son has given up on college
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<blockquote data-quote="Sam3" data-source="post: 724450" data-attributes="member: 19290"><p>I feel for you.</p><p></p><p>I think these opportunities are loaded for us too. College seems like a smorgasbord of things our kids might need. Clean slates. Social choices. Topics of interest. Basically, a chance for them to restore the self esteem they lost during "the troubles" by functioning in a new environment.</p><p></p><p>But they say in the recovery community, wherever you go, there you are.</p><p></p><p>I think many of our kids' slates aren't just dirty from their behavior, they are constitutionally fragile. They can't be cleaned in a swipe, without cracking, They need to be strengthened and cleared with a feather duster, one layer at a time. </p><p></p><p>I've been thinking about this issue a lot, as my son deferred for a quarter. </p><p></p><p>I know he won't be ready next quarter -- and may not be ready this year.</p><p></p><p>I think that might have been true even if he had remained sober. Well before he started drugging, he revealed big ego and little self esteem. He did a lot of work in treatment to identify those issues, but he hasn't yet had enough real life experiences to strengthen the slate.</p><p></p><p>I think this year will be a good one for him, if he baby steps up in productivity, and baby steps down in using and all the shame sources associated with using. And maybe there will be some bounding. </p><p></p><p>When his slate is stronger and cleaner, he can consider his longer term goals.</p><p></p><p>For us, deferring or dropping out may feel like another terrible choice tacked on to the end of a very long list of bad choices. But maybe it will give them a chance to actually succeed at some more manageable thing.</p><p></p><p>I think my son had felt for a long time, that he would rather be good at being bad, than bad at being good.</p><p></p><p>Maybe it will take just as long to flip that narrative.</p><p></p><p>And maybe it will never flip, but that view helps me to grieve his seemingly bad choices more privately and keep me in the long game. He is young.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sam3, post: 724450, member: 19290"] I feel for you. I think these opportunities are loaded for us too. College seems like a smorgasbord of things our kids might need. Clean slates. Social choices. Topics of interest. Basically, a chance for them to restore the self esteem they lost during "the troubles" by functioning in a new environment. But they say in the recovery community, wherever you go, there you are. I think many of our kids' slates aren't just dirty from their behavior, they are constitutionally fragile. They can't be cleaned in a swipe, without cracking, They need to be strengthened and cleared with a feather duster, one layer at a time. I've been thinking about this issue a lot, as my son deferred for a quarter. I know he won't be ready next quarter -- and may not be ready this year. I think that might have been true even if he had remained sober. Well before he started drugging, he revealed big ego and little self esteem. He did a lot of work in treatment to identify those issues, but he hasn't yet had enough real life experiences to strengthen the slate. I think this year will be a good one for him, if he baby steps up in productivity, and baby steps down in using and all the shame sources associated with using. And maybe there will be some bounding. When his slate is stronger and cleaner, he can consider his longer term goals. For us, deferring or dropping out may feel like another terrible choice tacked on to the end of a very long list of bad choices. But maybe it will give them a chance to actually succeed at some more manageable thing. I think my son had felt for a long time, that he would rather be good at being bad, than bad at being good. Maybe it will take just as long to flip that narrative. And maybe it will never flip, but that view helps me to grieve his seemingly bad choices more privately and keep me in the long game. He is young. [/QUOTE]
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Son has given up on college
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