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Parent Emeritus
Son on the road, somewhere, cold, wet, skint, stuck.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 626889" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Lucy, not to backtrack on what you did, because you did what you thought was best for your son. We all do the best we can in making the decisions we make. But I think this is important: </p><p></p><p>One thing I have learned, and I sometimes have to slap myself to remember it, especially in the crisis of the moment (and this is what I think Echo is getting at), is this: </p><p></p><p>Has he asked me for anything? Did he ask me for help? </p><p></p><p>We almost "hear" them asking, even when they are not asking, and have not asked. We superimpose the "ask" over their very sad situation. </p><p></p><p><u>And they know this. </u></p><p></p><p>Witnessing this---being in the presence of this---even by phone, is almost intolerable for mothers. It hurts us so very badly, and in our hurt, we rush to do something, anything, to stop our own misery. </p><p></p><p>We take action because not to----to do nothing---is so very painful and sometimes absolutely drives us crazy.</p><p></p><p><u>That is why writing down what we want to do, and plan to do, is so valuable, before the situation occurs</u>. And writing it down and even telling 100 people about it, does not mean we can't change our minds.</p><p></p><p>We are adults. It is always our prerogative to change our minds at any time. </p><p></p><p>We can still send the money. And that is okay. It's not a deal-breaker. There is virtually not one single action we can take with our difficult children that will be a deal breaker or not. Right? We know this, because we have taken a million actions already and nothing has helped or changed the situation. </p><p></p><p>NOT taking action won't either. Because all of this is...not...about...us. </p><p></p><p>Being with my sweet mother this weekend---we shared a hotel room---it was good for me in my never-ending quest to deal with myself in dealing with difficult child. I was reminded of our separateness. She is my mother and I love her. But she is not me, and I am not her. We are two separate, very different people. We have our own lives. Those lives intersect periodically. That's the way it's "supposed" to be.</p><p></p><p>When we have a difficult child, who never seems to grow up, and stand on his/her own, it's so hard to see our own separation from this person because they were once our child. We nurtured them. </p><p></p><p>But that time is over. That is the hard, hard lesson we must learn.</p><p></p><p>Right now, I feel very distanced from difficult child. I feel like there is a vast ocean between us. I can feel that pain, but it is not where I am staying---in that pain. That is how it should be and must be. He is almost 25 years old. If not now, then when?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 626889, member: 17542"] Lucy, not to backtrack on what you did, because you did what you thought was best for your son. We all do the best we can in making the decisions we make. But I think this is important: One thing I have learned, and I sometimes have to slap myself to remember it, especially in the crisis of the moment (and this is what I think Echo is getting at), is this: Has he asked me for anything? Did he ask me for help? We almost "hear" them asking, even when they are not asking, and have not asked. We superimpose the "ask" over their very sad situation. [U]And they know this. [/U] Witnessing this---being in the presence of this---even by phone, is almost intolerable for mothers. It hurts us so very badly, and in our hurt, we rush to do something, anything, to stop our own misery. We take action because not to----to do nothing---is so very painful and sometimes absolutely drives us crazy. [U]That is why writing down what we want to do, and plan to do, is so valuable, before the situation occurs[/U]. And writing it down and even telling 100 people about it, does not mean we can't change our minds. We are adults. It is always our prerogative to change our minds at any time. We can still send the money. And that is okay. It's not a deal-breaker. There is virtually not one single action we can take with our difficult children that will be a deal breaker or not. Right? We know this, because we have taken a million actions already and nothing has helped or changed the situation. NOT taking action won't either. Because all of this is...not...about...us. Being with my sweet mother this weekend---we shared a hotel room---it was good for me in my never-ending quest to deal with myself in dealing with difficult child. I was reminded of our separateness. She is my mother and I love her. But she is not me, and I am not her. We are two separate, very different people. We have our own lives. Those lives intersect periodically. That's the way it's "supposed" to be. When we have a difficult child, who never seems to grow up, and stand on his/her own, it's so hard to see our own separation from this person because they were once our child. We nurtured them. But that time is over. That is the hard, hard lesson we must learn. Right now, I feel very distanced from difficult child. I feel like there is a vast ocean between us. I can feel that pain, but it is not where I am staying---in that pain. That is how it should be and must be. He is almost 25 years old. If not now, then when? [/QUOTE]
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