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Parent Emeritus
Son on the road, somewhere, cold, wet, skint, stuck.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 626906" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Lucy, I have found and I've also read it here, that our difficult child's have a need to make us aware of their drama, their hurts, their downs.......however, I believe this is a learned behavioral pattern that comes about early and it is part of enabling. The behavior is that we are placed into a position where we are now aware of something that is "wrong" something that our difficult child's know hurts our mother's hearts.........they tell us, like a well oiled script and we respond in that well oiled script. We offer something to them, often money, to ease the tension we feel. It is almost a done deal. I learned in my own therapy to stop, to be silent, to wait, to get off the phone in the beginning................to not participate in the script. Just refraining is usually enough. Allow there to be a pause between the drama and how you respond.</p><p></p><p> I was told in my therapy to examine my motives as COM mentioned because when we are enabling we are doing it to LESSEN OUR OWN PAIN. That is the driving emotion. To stop OUR FEAR. To MAKE IT GO AWAY. In doing that we continue with our enabling and they continue dragging us in. When I stopped responding from that script, it was uncomfortable for me, but eventually, my difficult child stopped bringing her dramas to me. Being dragged into the dramas caused me great suffering and once I stopped the "automatic" giving, she stopped involving me. I had a lot of help to do that with private therapy and group therapy as well. It takes a village. Hang in there Lucy, this is really tough.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 626906, member: 13542"] Lucy, I have found and I've also read it here, that our difficult child's have a need to make us aware of their drama, their hurts, their downs.......however, I believe this is a learned behavioral pattern that comes about early and it is part of enabling. The behavior is that we are placed into a position where we are now aware of something that is "wrong" something that our difficult child's know hurts our mother's hearts.........they tell us, like a well oiled script and we respond in that well oiled script. We offer something to them, often money, to ease the tension we feel. It is almost a done deal. I learned in my own therapy to stop, to be silent, to wait, to get off the phone in the beginning................to not participate in the script. Just refraining is usually enough. Allow there to be a pause between the drama and how you respond. I was told in my therapy to examine my motives as COM mentioned because when we are enabling we are doing it to LESSEN OUR OWN PAIN. That is the driving emotion. To stop OUR FEAR. To MAKE IT GO AWAY. In doing that we continue with our enabling and they continue dragging us in. When I stopped responding from that script, it was uncomfortable for me, but eventually, my difficult child stopped bringing her dramas to me. Being dragged into the dramas caused me great suffering and once I stopped the "automatic" giving, she stopped involving me. I had a lot of help to do that with private therapy and group therapy as well. It takes a village. Hang in there Lucy, this is really tough. [/QUOTE]
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