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Parent Emeritus
sorry i'm back, i need some help (or a slap upside the head)
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 288741" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I'm not sure if I know any parents who have lived thorough it - that don't go through this to some degree no matter how old their kids are or how far removed their children become from drugs or alcohol. </p><p> </p><p>When you are asking us if you should kick him out if he messes up, it makes me wonder if you have a plan - and haven't ironed things out with him. It's like you want to ask him - "Well if you smoke weed what do you want me to do? Throw you out, live through it, take you back, just have me be a wreck and throw up, be a mess at work while you fall apart again?" That's not a healthy statement Missy. </p><p> </p><p>So what WOULD a healthy statement be? "If you smoke pot in my home - HERE is what will happen the first offense." if you're more liberal about it then you can even say "IF you smoke pot in my home here's what will happen the second offense." If you're really understanding and liberal you can even say "If you smoke pot in our home the third time THIS is what will happen." and then have a plan. YOU have no plan. He has NO consequences. There are rules - but if he breaks them - what happens? Does he even know? Do you? YOU have to sit down with him and set the boundaries - and consequences and he can be part OF that process - but there has to be and understanding from both sides that if THIS happens X will occur. No questions. </p><p> </p><p>It helps with the PTSD too. </p><p> </p><p>As far as what he's going to do when he goes out. (shrug) He's really blown all your trust and that doesn't get regained easily. It takes a LONG LONG time of him working VERY VERY hard to grow that back to where you can even believe him on the simple things like "I'm going to play with the band or I'll be right down the street." for you to believe him. Let alone believe that he's going to play with the band, be right down the street and stay sober and not high and come back when he says he is or not be confrontational or without attitude or anything else that isn't respectful or age appropriate behavior. So yeah - they expect us to ASSUME a lot when they are trying to change their behaviors because they have 1 day or 1 week sober and clean - and we're trying, but they have to understand that we're STILL trying to deal with all the fall out from their leftover behaviors and lies - and THAT doesn't go away as easy and trust isn't something you get back JUST because you are clean or sober. Trust takes YEARS of being spot on honest - before it's built back. </p><p> </p><p>I think you would both benefit from going to Alanon or Alateen....sounds a little lame but it could help. Narcanon was really great for me - I found more people there that was able to help me understand from a drug users point of view and what the nagging and mistrust issues felt like to them from their point of view. I got a clear picture of how NOT to be so that it was helpful in dealing with people in recovery. </p><p> </p><p>I'm proud of your son. He needs to know there is no such thing as perfect - but he also needs to know that it all starts again with one toke or hit too. Find him places to vent and get him interested in other things - a punching bag can be a great tool for releasing energy....</p><p> </p><p>Best of luck Missy - </p><p>Hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 288741, member: 4964"] I'm not sure if I know any parents who have lived thorough it - that don't go through this to some degree no matter how old their kids are or how far removed their children become from drugs or alcohol. When you are asking us if you should kick him out if he messes up, it makes me wonder if you have a plan - and haven't ironed things out with him. It's like you want to ask him - "Well if you smoke weed what do you want me to do? Throw you out, live through it, take you back, just have me be a wreck and throw up, be a mess at work while you fall apart again?" That's not a healthy statement Missy. So what WOULD a healthy statement be? "If you smoke pot in my home - HERE is what will happen the first offense." if you're more liberal about it then you can even say "IF you smoke pot in my home here's what will happen the second offense." If you're really understanding and liberal you can even say "If you smoke pot in our home the third time THIS is what will happen." and then have a plan. YOU have no plan. He has NO consequences. There are rules - but if he breaks them - what happens? Does he even know? Do you? YOU have to sit down with him and set the boundaries - and consequences and he can be part OF that process - but there has to be and understanding from both sides that if THIS happens X will occur. No questions. It helps with the PTSD too. As far as what he's going to do when he goes out. (shrug) He's really blown all your trust and that doesn't get regained easily. It takes a LONG LONG time of him working VERY VERY hard to grow that back to where you can even believe him on the simple things like "I'm going to play with the band or I'll be right down the street." for you to believe him. Let alone believe that he's going to play with the band, be right down the street and stay sober and not high and come back when he says he is or not be confrontational or without attitude or anything else that isn't respectful or age appropriate behavior. So yeah - they expect us to ASSUME a lot when they are trying to change their behaviors because they have 1 day or 1 week sober and clean - and we're trying, but they have to understand that we're STILL trying to deal with all the fall out from their leftover behaviors and lies - and THAT doesn't go away as easy and trust isn't something you get back JUST because you are clean or sober. Trust takes YEARS of being spot on honest - before it's built back. I think you would both benefit from going to Alanon or Alateen....sounds a little lame but it could help. Narcanon was really great for me - I found more people there that was able to help me understand from a drug users point of view and what the nagging and mistrust issues felt like to them from their point of view. I got a clear picture of how NOT to be so that it was helpful in dealing with people in recovery. I'm proud of your son. He needs to know there is no such thing as perfect - but he also needs to know that it all starts again with one toke or hit too. Find him places to vent and get him interested in other things - a punching bag can be a great tool for releasing energy.... Best of luck Missy - Hugs [/QUOTE]
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