I have posted and erased several times.
I just want to say that I think you should seek the help of medications for depression.
I was there. I couldn't shake the guilt. before I realized it I was in a very deep depression.
The medications helped me come back. I only used them for a short while, and it was trial and error to find the right one at the right dosage.
I didn't realize how bad I was affected by it until I started to get better.
But reading your post sounds like the way I was feeling. I was reaching for any explanation I could find to explain what was happening to difficult child and to my family and to myself!
The first time I saw a therapist, she wanted to hosiptalize me. That scared me enough to see that I wasn't handling the problem at all. I had to ask for help. That was hard to do. I had to admit that I couldn't control my emotions and I needed a pill to help me.
I am glad I got help, I didn't continue the drug as prescribed but I used it enough to get me out of the darkness I had surrounded myself in.
I hope you at least talk with a therapist, just get the opinion if nothing else.
I know your heart is hurting, I wish peace for you. I also understand your feelings and how hard it is to let go.
Don't you have a easy child?