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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764928" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Newlife,</p><p>Ahhhh birthdays and holidays are hard times to get through for us Moms. How well I know the heartache.</p><p></p><p>I’m sure she knows what day it is. Hopefully she is receiving help. There are routines set up in prison. My daughter ended up the last stint on the work line because it gave her something to do and a small monetary compensation in her account. I’m so sorry for your sadness, but I do believe it’s important to process those feelings, otherwise it just affects our health to try to bottle it up. I hope you feel a bit better after having a good cry.</p><p></p><p>My twos’ siblings are much the same as your son. They are able to detach themselves from the drama. It is different for us Moms. We have to work harder to let go. Letting go is not a straight line. Especially when it is new to us. When we are deep in the thick of trying everything to rescue and help our wayward kids, it becomes a bizarre cycle. When we were raising them as young children, we learned to put our own needs on the side to take care of them. When they became teenagers and made poor choices, it set off alarms and we did everything in our power to correct their course. It’s no wonder that we stay on that course when they become adults. We love them, the self sacrificing we practiced while they were growing up, literally turns into sacrificing ourselves, our time, our finances, the peace in our homes, as if we could save them by doing so. It is a hard cycle to break. Not impossible, but it takes work and learning to love ourselves enough to see the reality of the situation and change. Change <em>ourselves</em> that is, and our response to each new “crisis.” We have no control over what our adult children choose.</p><p></p><p>I’ve heard hateful things from my two in the past. Not so much anymore. I think it’s because they know I’m done blaming myself.</p><p></p><p>This is spot on. Thank you Copa. A good reminder for all of us.</p><p></p><p>Yes. I compare this “ride” to being captains of our own ship. Our children as adults have their ship to captain. When they continually make bad choices, they are sailing into a storm of consequences. We do not have to follow them into the storm. It does no good for them, or us.</p><p></p><p>Yes. Our adult children have free choice as well. How they exercise that free choice is their decision.</p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>Newlife, you have already begun to take the reins back in your life by setting boundaries and following through. The hard part with that, are the emotions we go through taking those first steps. It is a grieving process. It’s not that we miss the drama and chaos, it’s that our lives were so caught up, for a long time in trying to fix things. It feels foreign to let go. Like we have given up. We have not, we still have hope for our wayward kids, we have given in to the notion that we have <em>any say on how they will live their own lives. </em></p><p></p><p>Yes. Focus should be on you. That is not selfish, it is essential to our health and well-being.</p><p></p><p>We definitely have learned behaviors from our parents. One thing that happened while I was new to letting go and pulling back from my twos drama, was taking a deep dive into my childhood. It was and is a lot of inner work to try to understand myself and my reactions to my situation. Heck, I’m still trying to find myself.</p><p></p><p>Our daughters are in there somewhere. The people they are when using, are not recognizable. We can still love them, but understand that as long as they are using drugs, or not taking care of their mental health, we are targets. It’s sad, but true. One quote that helps me is “What you allow, will continue.”</p><p>We don’t have to wear the bullseye t-shirt and be victimized by our adult kids. I know you wrote that there are limited resources in your area, your daughter, if she truly wants help, can relocate. You and your husband should not be her lifeline. She obviously does not respect or appreciate your effort.</p><p>As for your son, he will do as he chooses. Your husband is right. Why should you both bend over backwards try to get him to spend time with you? Goodness, my Mom is 90 and my brother has neglected calling her, moved three hours away to be closer to his children. Times have changed where families used to get together. It’s sad.</p><p>I know you have valid fears over when your daughter is released from prison. For me, when my Tornado is locked up, I’m relieved. I can leave my house without worrying that she will show up. Since your daughter is there, you have a bit of reprieve from worrying what may happen. Can you and your hubs take time to get away together? Even if it is for a date night, or a “staycation”. Girl, it’s way past time for you to focus on you and your relationship with your husband. My late hubs fought illness in the middle of all the crazy stuff happening with my two. We were not able to enjoy what I now know, were our last years together. Between fretting over our two, working and raising their younger siblings, the years flew by and unfortunately, hubs succumbed after battling sepsis for the third time. I thought that losing their dad might wake my two up, it did not.</p><p>We have so little precious time on this earth. Hubs and I wasted a good many years trying to rescue two adult children who wanted to “ride the gravy train” and remain as is. They wanted their cake and eat it too, and anything else they could grab. But the saddest loss, was the time spent on focusing on something we had no control over, hence, we became door mats to the whims and choices of our grown children.</p><p>I wish I could go back and do things differently. All I can do is share my story in hopes it helps others avoid the mistakes we made.</p><p>Your life, your relationship, your time is precious. Step outside the box, do something epic!</p><p>Hugs</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764928, member: 19522"] Hi Newlife, Ahhhh birthdays and holidays are hard times to get through for us Moms. How well I know the heartache. I’m sure she knows what day it is. Hopefully she is receiving help. There are routines set up in prison. My daughter ended up the last stint on the work line because it gave her something to do and a small monetary compensation in her account. I’m so sorry for your sadness, but I do believe it’s important to process those feelings, otherwise it just affects our health to try to bottle it up. I hope you feel a bit better after having a good cry. My twos’ siblings are much the same as your son. They are able to detach themselves from the drama. It is different for us Moms. We have to work harder to let go. Letting go is not a straight line. Especially when it is new to us. When we are deep in the thick of trying everything to rescue and help our wayward kids, it becomes a bizarre cycle. When we were raising them as young children, we learned to put our own needs on the side to take care of them. When they became teenagers and made poor choices, it set off alarms and we did everything in our power to correct their course. It’s no wonder that we stay on that course when they become adults. We love them, the self sacrificing we practiced while they were growing up, literally turns into sacrificing ourselves, our time, our finances, the peace in our homes, as if we could save them by doing so. It is a hard cycle to break. Not impossible, but it takes work and learning to love ourselves enough to see the reality of the situation and change. Change [I]ourselves[/I] that is, and our response to each new “crisis.” We have no control over what our adult children choose. I’ve heard hateful things from my two in the past. Not so much anymore. I think it’s because they know I’m done blaming myself. This is spot on. Thank you Copa. A good reminder for all of us. Yes. I compare this “ride” to being captains of our own ship. Our children as adults have their ship to captain. When they continually make bad choices, they are sailing into a storm of consequences. We do not have to follow them into the storm. It does no good for them, or us. Yes. Our adult children have free choice as well. How they exercise that free choice is their decision. Yes. Newlife, you have already begun to take the reins back in your life by setting boundaries and following through. The hard part with that, are the emotions we go through taking those first steps. It is a grieving process. It’s not that we miss the drama and chaos, it’s that our lives were so caught up, for a long time in trying to fix things. It feels foreign to let go. Like we have given up. We have not, we still have hope for our wayward kids, we have given in to the notion that we have [I]any say on how they will live their own lives. [/I] Yes. Focus should be on you. That is not selfish, it is essential to our health and well-being. We definitely have learned behaviors from our parents. One thing that happened while I was new to letting go and pulling back from my twos drama, was taking a deep dive into my childhood. It was and is a lot of inner work to try to understand myself and my reactions to my situation. Heck, I’m still trying to find myself. Our daughters are in there somewhere. The people they are when using, are not recognizable. We can still love them, but understand that as long as they are using drugs, or not taking care of their mental health, we are targets. It’s sad, but true. One quote that helps me is “What you allow, will continue.” We don’t have to wear the bullseye t-shirt and be victimized by our adult kids. I know you wrote that there are limited resources in your area, your daughter, if she truly wants help, can relocate. You and your husband should not be her lifeline. She obviously does not respect or appreciate your effort. As for your son, he will do as he chooses. Your husband is right. Why should you both bend over backwards try to get him to spend time with you? Goodness, my Mom is 90 and my brother has neglected calling her, moved three hours away to be closer to his children. Times have changed where families used to get together. It’s sad. I know you have valid fears over when your daughter is released from prison. For me, when my Tornado is locked up, I’m relieved. I can leave my house without worrying that she will show up. Since your daughter is there, you have a bit of reprieve from worrying what may happen. Can you and your hubs take time to get away together? Even if it is for a date night, or a “staycation”. Girl, it’s way past time for you to focus on you and your relationship with your husband. My late hubs fought illness in the middle of all the crazy stuff happening with my two. We were not able to enjoy what I now know, were our last years together. Between fretting over our two, working and raising their younger siblings, the years flew by and unfortunately, hubs succumbed after battling sepsis for the third time. I thought that losing their dad might wake my two up, it did not. We have so little precious time on this earth. Hubs and I wasted a good many years trying to rescue two adult children who wanted to “ride the gravy train” and remain as is. They wanted their cake and eat it too, and anything else they could grab. But the saddest loss, was the time spent on focusing on something we had no control over, hence, we became door mats to the whims and choices of our grown children. I wish I could go back and do things differently. All I can do is share my story in hopes it helps others avoid the mistakes we made. Your life, your relationship, your time is precious. Step outside the box, do something epic! Hugs New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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