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Substance Abuse
Starting to cave..
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749419" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>JPG, Hi. I have a 30 year old homeless son too. The only difference is he is paying 300 dollars a month of his SSI money to sleep in a garden shed in a big metro a couple of hours from me.</p><p></p><p>He gets himself into messes where he spends nearly all of his money by the first week of the month. I do not help him financially now. I don't know exactly how he manages it, but he gets through the month until the next check arrives. In a sense this is giving him a sort of confidence and a goal. He verbalized to me last week: <em>I just have to figure out a way to manage my money better. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>He is not disheartened by the situation. He is challenged by it.</p><p></p><p>My son has done the things your son does: the catastrophization of circumstances; calling me by my first name; the hostility. It seems that capitulation is what stops it. But it's the reverse. Giving into the impulse to rescue just feeds the cycle. It's like yeast and sugar. We give them the sugar to grow the dependency and the dependency fuels the hostility. He hates it when he puts himself in a one down, dependent relationship with you. And then he takes it out on you.</p><p></p><p>And the result? You get pummeled and blamed for a situation that he himself has created and only he can change. But actually, that is only part of it. You and he together have created the cycle of dependency. The challenge is to see it this way. You are not dealing with gas. The gas is only the smokescreen. You are dealing with dependency. The challenge is to see your role in it and to stop it.</p><p></p><p>Think about it. If you are going to get battered by him anyway, why engage? Understand that the battering will come...but walk 50' away so that he is battering air and then, eventually, the challenge becomes internalized so that he understands that he is the one who is creating the crisis and he is the one who needs to fix it.</p><p></p><p>We are hooked. That's for sure. But I don't think I am hooked because of my extreme concern for my son. I think my concern is about myself. We need to play ball on our own courts. Not on theirs. And handle our own feelings in ourselves. And let them do the same.</p><p></p><p>Finally. Please don't be so hard on yourself. This is hard. Beating up on yourself doesn't help.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749419, member: 18958"] JPG, Hi. I have a 30 year old homeless son too. The only difference is he is paying 300 dollars a month of his SSI money to sleep in a garden shed in a big metro a couple of hours from me. He gets himself into messes where he spends nearly all of his money by the first week of the month. I do not help him financially now. I don't know exactly how he manages it, but he gets through the month until the next check arrives. In a sense this is giving him a sort of confidence and a goal. He verbalized to me last week: [I]I just have to figure out a way to manage my money better. [/I] He is not disheartened by the situation. He is challenged by it. My son has done the things your son does: the catastrophization of circumstances; calling me by my first name; the hostility. It seems that capitulation is what stops it. But it's the reverse. Giving into the impulse to rescue just feeds the cycle. It's like yeast and sugar. We give them the sugar to grow the dependency and the dependency fuels the hostility. He hates it when he puts himself in a one down, dependent relationship with you. And then he takes it out on you. And the result? You get pummeled and blamed for a situation that he himself has created and only he can change. But actually, that is only part of it. You and he together have created the cycle of dependency. The challenge is to see it this way. You are not dealing with gas. The gas is only the smokescreen. You are dealing with dependency. The challenge is to see your role in it and to stop it. Think about it. If you are going to get battered by him anyway, why engage? Understand that the battering will come...but walk 50' away so that he is battering air and then, eventually, the challenge becomes internalized so that he understands that he is the one who is creating the crisis and he is the one who needs to fix it. We are hooked. That's for sure. But I don't think I am hooked because of my extreme concern for my son. I think my concern is about myself. We need to play ball on our own courts. Not on theirs. And handle our own feelings in ourselves. And let them do the same. Finally. Please don't be so hard on yourself. This is hard. Beating up on yourself doesn't help. [/QUOTE]
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