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Starting to really dislike my son
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 620887" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Walson, I am glad you are here with us. I read what you wrote too, Walson. </p><p></p><p>Nope.</p><p></p><p>It isn't you.</p><p></p><p>As you become familiar with our stories, what you will see is that though our kids come from all possible walks of life and have been raised with many different parenting styles, their situations and manipulative, hurtful behaviors are strikingly similar. Each of us was right where you are now when we came to the site, Walson. Vulnerable, defenseless, certain we had somehow created the situations our children found themselves in. We were ready to do anything, to try anything, to help our kids turn their lives around. </p><p></p><p>I was so very ashamed, when I came here. I expected to be condemned as a terrible parent, once the truth finally came out. Not only was I not condemned Walson, but because of the parents here, I learned, and learned to accept, what the real nature of the problem was.</p><p></p><p>It took months for them to convince me, first of all that my son was using drugs, and then, that it was the drug use that was causing the problems. I was so sure the drug use was a symptom of some dark psychological secret, some harm I had done him, something he was using drugs to escape. Then, we got stuck on the idea that it was his sister's problems, and our inattentiveness to his needs during that time that was the dark, horrible thing he was reacting to. Our son even told me that it was my desertion of him during that time that caused his problems. Just within the past year or so, I was able finally to understand, again thanks to the other parents on this site, that <u>my son said those things to me because that was what I felt most guilty about.</u></p><p></p><p>My own son used whatever would work to manipulate me into taking the fall for his drug use and everything that happened to him because of his drug use. He is still using those tactics. The difference is that the healthier I get, I am responding from a different place, a guilt-free place. Once I stopped feeling guilty? I started to really hear how he was talking to me. It's like, I excused so much because I thought he was working through some troubled something that I could help him with. </p><p></p><p>Now, I understand that was never true.</p><p></p><p>He was abusing me and, through me, his father, <u>because he could</u>.</p><p></p><p>Why did he want to? I don't know. The difference now is that, unless he is willing to keep a civil tongue in his head, I don't care if I ever talk to him, again. </p><p></p><p>I want my real son back, not this cheap imitation of my son that seems to be all the drugs left of him.</p><p></p><p>Ew.</p><p></p><p>What is all that doing in a letter of welcome-to-the-site-we-can-help?!?</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p> </p><p>I seem to have gotten in touch with my anger at long last, Walson. I am erupting all over the place as I go through the layers and layers of hurt and guilt and shame.</p><p></p><p>Well, that is alright. </p><p></p><p>One of us has suggested that you read the information on detachment posted at the top of this site. Please do that as soon as you can, Walson. Just to read the information on detachment, just to know there is another way to see what is happening to you and to your son, will help.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 620887, member: 17461"] Walson, I am glad you are here with us. I read what you wrote too, Walson. Nope. It isn't you. As you become familiar with our stories, what you will see is that though our kids come from all possible walks of life and have been raised with many different parenting styles, their situations and manipulative, hurtful behaviors are strikingly similar. Each of us was right where you are now when we came to the site, Walson. Vulnerable, defenseless, certain we had somehow created the situations our children found themselves in. We were ready to do anything, to try anything, to help our kids turn their lives around. I was so very ashamed, when I came here. I expected to be condemned as a terrible parent, once the truth finally came out. Not only was I not condemned Walson, but because of the parents here, I learned, and learned to accept, what the real nature of the problem was. It took months for them to convince me, first of all that my son was using drugs, and then, that it was the drug use that was causing the problems. I was so sure the drug use was a symptom of some dark psychological secret, some harm I had done him, something he was using drugs to escape. Then, we got stuck on the idea that it was his sister's problems, and our inattentiveness to his needs during that time that was the dark, horrible thing he was reacting to. Our son even told me that it was my desertion of him during that time that caused his problems. Just within the past year or so, I was able finally to understand, again thanks to the other parents on this site, that [U]my son said those things to me because that was what I felt most guilty about.[/U] My own son used whatever would work to manipulate me into taking the fall for his drug use and everything that happened to him because of his drug use. He is still using those tactics. The difference is that the healthier I get, I am responding from a different place, a guilt-free place. Once I stopped feeling guilty? I started to really hear how he was talking to me. It's like, I excused so much because I thought he was working through some troubled something that I could help him with. Now, I understand that was never true. He was abusing me and, through me, his father, [U]because he could[/U]. Why did he want to? I don't know. The difference now is that, unless he is willing to keep a civil tongue in his head, I don't care if I ever talk to him, again. I want my real son back, not this cheap imitation of my son that seems to be all the drugs left of him. Ew. What is all that doing in a letter of welcome-to-the-site-we-can-help?!? :O) I seem to have gotten in touch with my anger at long last, Walson. I am erupting all over the place as I go through the layers and layers of hurt and guilt and shame. Well, that is alright. One of us has suggested that you read the information on detachment posted at the top of this site. Please do that as soon as you can, Walson. Just to read the information on detachment, just to know there is another way to see what is happening to you and to your son, will help. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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