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Substance Abuse
Staying detached while tethered....
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687954" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is something, TL. To know what you do not want and that you will do what it takes to not go there.</p><p></p><p>The problem with us is that though my son has changed a great deal in some things (not violent, angry, more cooperative to our face, and loving) he does not feel committed to change what he does not want to change, and is committed to do the minimum to keep us engaged. This buys us constant stress. When somebody wants to stay engaged on their terms but wanting to sabotage as much as they can, while remaining tethered?</p><p></p><p>I wonder if with that attitude it can work at all.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I do not know if I agree with SWOT. That giving them support is for us only. Perhaps I agree if she means a place to stay only. Without conditions. But with conditions? </p><p></p><p>That would be like saying that supportive services given to young adults with mental illness or cognitive deficits, is for us, not for them. If what we provide to our kids is given with monitoring, training, coaching, support, feedback and accountability--they can eventually buy in, little by little. After all, that is the principle behind group homes, and community-based services for mentally ill.</p><p></p><p>The question is what we are willing to commit and the cost to us, emotionally.</p><p></p><p>Those of us posting now about this topic have children of different ages with different abilities and potentials. One size does not fit all.</p><p></p><p>There are so many ways to respond. When first my son left, I did foist him out without support. I do not know if I would do it again. Perhaps I would. He was completely non-amenable to working with us. Keeping my son close, without conditions, I feel unable to do as well.</p><p></p><p>I guess we are working this through little by little. Are we?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687954, member: 18958"] This is something, TL. To know what you do not want and that you will do what it takes to not go there. The problem with us is that though my son has changed a great deal in some things (not violent, angry, more cooperative to our face, and loving) he does not feel committed to change what he does not want to change, and is committed to do the minimum to keep us engaged. This buys us constant stress. When somebody wants to stay engaged on their terms but wanting to sabotage as much as they can, while remaining tethered? I wonder if with that attitude it can work at all. I do not know if I agree with SWOT. That giving them support is for us only. Perhaps I agree if she means a place to stay only. Without conditions. But with conditions? That would be like saying that supportive services given to young adults with mental illness or cognitive deficits, is for us, not for them. If what we provide to our kids is given with monitoring, training, coaching, support, feedback and accountability--they can eventually buy in, little by little. After all, that is the principle behind group homes, and community-based services for mentally ill. The question is what we are willing to commit and the cost to us, emotionally. Those of us posting now about this topic have children of different ages with different abilities and potentials. One size does not fit all. There are so many ways to respond. When first my son left, I did foist him out without support. I do not know if I would do it again. Perhaps I would. He was completely non-amenable to working with us. Keeping my son close, without conditions, I feel unable to do as well. I guess we are working this through little by little. Are we? [/QUOTE]
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