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<blockquote data-quote="ConcernedSC" data-source="post: 623155" data-attributes="member: 17793"><p>I did show this site to him but whether he will come back on his own, I don't know. </p><p></p><p>husband comes from a large family where he is the oldest of 8. All eight got married, had kids, and for the most part, its been a reasonably healthy, tight knit family that has many gatherings throughout the year and see each other often. That's how it can be for parents and family when all goes reasonably well. And difficult child was part of all that, but it didn't rub off I guess.</p><p></p><p>These children who rebuke a normal way of life (for whatever reason) and somehow become convinced they are entitled to throw tantrums and demand all their needs without making efforts on their own, except to beg others and throw fits, push parents to an unnatural place. In a natural place, your child can grow up, go through steps to become independent, and finally one day BE independent and able to interact with the family as one of the grown adults. This is a person who might bring their partner or family to holidays or weekend gatherings themselves, and become a giver as as well as a receiver. There develops a back and forth- healthy adult children begin to reciprocate in life. There is no reason for a mother to force herself to detach from a normal, healthy son or daughter who may by that time even produce grandkids, who any parent would want to embrace, love, and maybe babysit once in a while, or even every day because they are retired and on their own desire to help out if their adult daughter goes back to work.</p><p></p><p>It is the abnormal forcing of the parent to remain forever in the role of caretaker, while the adult child NEVER graduates to a point where they join in and begin giving as well as receiving, where the problem comes in. I was able to observe and document from young age on that she wanted to take but never give. It seemed a prominent part of her nature even then, a as a young child. I saw it when I would make special plans with her and bend over backwards to create nice memories that I hoped would help her bond with me. She enjoyed those times with me fully but as soon as I would say "Ok, its time to clean up your mess" or "Ok its time to do your homework"- it did not matter how many special memories we shared- she would flip like a lightswitch and revert right back to her smug, antisocial personality mood and treat me like she despised me. Or, if we were getting along just fine and then "Daddy" came home- I was instantly pushed into the role of "opponent" and she would create a drama and pin us all against each other so she could "win" her father and make me "lose" the game she created.</p><p></p><p>And there was only so much of that I could take. For years I tried to tell myself: "She's only a child, don't take it personally" but after being treated that way chronically, I got sick of making excuses for her and sick of stifling the pain I felt from the way she treated me- and sick of my naive, manipulated husband who couldn't see through it (I've got 400 pages of journal where I talk indepthly about the dynamic and dramas she would create) well, my survival instinct kicked in and I told myself it was ok to not like her. I didn't have to pretend I liked her anymore. I gave myself that relief- the relief of taking off the pressure as a failure because I was the stepmother and oh well, I guess I failed- just like everyone watching me was waiting for that to happen. I would still be polite to her but I wasn't going to fake it for my husband who would "accuse" me of not liking her. I said, "Well, if she treated YOU like that, would you like her?" I was supposed to be superhuman and LOVE this girl like mad when she was cruel, very cruel to me. </p><p></p><p>Anyway I feel like I am rambling now...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ConcernedSC, post: 623155, member: 17793"] I did show this site to him but whether he will come back on his own, I don't know. husband comes from a large family where he is the oldest of 8. All eight got married, had kids, and for the most part, its been a reasonably healthy, tight knit family that has many gatherings throughout the year and see each other often. That's how it can be for parents and family when all goes reasonably well. And difficult child was part of all that, but it didn't rub off I guess. These children who rebuke a normal way of life (for whatever reason) and somehow become convinced they are entitled to throw tantrums and demand all their needs without making efforts on their own, except to beg others and throw fits, push parents to an unnatural place. In a natural place, your child can grow up, go through steps to become independent, and finally one day BE independent and able to interact with the family as one of the grown adults. This is a person who might bring their partner or family to holidays or weekend gatherings themselves, and become a giver as as well as a receiver. There develops a back and forth- healthy adult children begin to reciprocate in life. There is no reason for a mother to force herself to detach from a normal, healthy son or daughter who may by that time even produce grandkids, who any parent would want to embrace, love, and maybe babysit once in a while, or even every day because they are retired and on their own desire to help out if their adult daughter goes back to work. It is the abnormal forcing of the parent to remain forever in the role of caretaker, while the adult child NEVER graduates to a point where they join in and begin giving as well as receiving, where the problem comes in. I was able to observe and document from young age on that she wanted to take but never give. It seemed a prominent part of her nature even then, a as a young child. I saw it when I would make special plans with her and bend over backwards to create nice memories that I hoped would help her bond with me. She enjoyed those times with me fully but as soon as I would say "Ok, its time to clean up your mess" or "Ok its time to do your homework"- it did not matter how many special memories we shared- she would flip like a lightswitch and revert right back to her smug, antisocial personality mood and treat me like she despised me. Or, if we were getting along just fine and then "Daddy" came home- I was instantly pushed into the role of "opponent" and she would create a drama and pin us all against each other so she could "win" her father and make me "lose" the game she created. And there was only so much of that I could take. For years I tried to tell myself: "She's only a child, don't take it personally" but after being treated that way chronically, I got sick of making excuses for her and sick of stifling the pain I felt from the way she treated me- and sick of my naive, manipulated husband who couldn't see through it (I've got 400 pages of journal where I talk indepthly about the dynamic and dramas she would create) well, my survival instinct kicked in and I told myself it was ok to not like her. I didn't have to pretend I liked her anymore. I gave myself that relief- the relief of taking off the pressure as a failure because I was the stepmother and oh well, I guess I failed- just like everyone watching me was waiting for that to happen. I would still be polite to her but I wasn't going to fake it for my husband who would "accuse" me of not liking her. I said, "Well, if she treated YOU like that, would you like her?" I was supposed to be superhuman and LOVE this girl like mad when she was cruel, very cruel to me. Anyway I feel like I am rambling now... [/QUOTE]
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