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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 646957" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>None of us get it. However, it is the truth we must learn to accept, or we proceed at our own peril. Staying in the zone of not really believing it could be this outrageous, leaves us defenseless to the manipulations and guilt and blame our troubled kids lay at our doorstep. It appears to me that they stop the blame, the manipulations and the guilt when we refuse to accept any of that behavior and stop believing on any level whatsoever that we caused this or are responsible for it. We did not cause it, we are not responsible for it. When we are absolutely clear on that, we then provide strong impenetrable boundaries which they can not get through and then they (often) begin to "get it" that we will not tolerate their antics anymore. </p><p></p><p>If your son is calling every 6-7 days, a strategy that usually works is to not answer the phone, to let it go to voice mail. Allow time to pass, don't engage with him. The crisis they perceive which they want to drag you into, will pass. If you do that enough, he will eventually stop calling to abuse you. </p><p></p><p>We parents need to respond very differently to our troubled kids. His realization that it is entirely up to him is going to take some time.......and the truth is, he may not realize it. However, I have seen a direct correlation between when we stop responding to their tirades and manipulations and that behavior stopping. It takes us time to do that because we continue to believe if we just do this one thing, this one time, that will be the deciding factor and he/she will change. I think as parents we have to go through that and keep trying until we recognize that our trying is not helping at all. Once we come to that, then we have to stop. Stop giving them money, stop enabling them, stop listening to the ABUSE they dish out, stop allowing ANY bad behavior from them. We have to train them to treat us properly or remove them from our sphere. Not to say you don't love them, of course you do, not to say you won't help him if he cleans up his act, of course you will, but to make it absolutely clear, even to him, the MOST casual observer, that you will not tolerate disrespect, dishonesty, blame and manipulations of any sort. </p><p></p><p>Often the kids don't change. It is our response to them that changes. And, generally speaking, that changes everything.</p><p></p><p>I don't remember if I told you about the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. And, also, many of us derive comfort and support from 12 step groups like Al Anon and Families Anonymous. This is a treacherous path for us parents, likely the most difficult thing most of us have to face, it is not for the faint of heart...........it helps us tremendously to seek out support in whatever form that takes for you.</p><p></p><p>I am very sorry you are going through this with your son. You're in the right place. We've all been there. Sending you warm thoughts, hang in there, it does get better.......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 646957, member: 13542"] None of us get it. However, it is the truth we must learn to accept, or we proceed at our own peril. Staying in the zone of not really believing it could be this outrageous, leaves us defenseless to the manipulations and guilt and blame our troubled kids lay at our doorstep. It appears to me that they stop the blame, the manipulations and the guilt when we refuse to accept any of that behavior and stop believing on any level whatsoever that we caused this or are responsible for it. We did not cause it, we are not responsible for it. When we are absolutely clear on that, we then provide strong impenetrable boundaries which they can not get through and then they (often) begin to "get it" that we will not tolerate their antics anymore. If your son is calling every 6-7 days, a strategy that usually works is to not answer the phone, to let it go to voice mail. Allow time to pass, don't engage with him. The crisis they perceive which they want to drag you into, will pass. If you do that enough, he will eventually stop calling to abuse you. We parents need to respond very differently to our troubled kids. His realization that it is entirely up to him is going to take some time.......and the truth is, he may not realize it. However, I have seen a direct correlation between when we stop responding to their tirades and manipulations and that behavior stopping. It takes us time to do that because we continue to believe if we just do this one thing, this one time, that will be the deciding factor and he/she will change. I think as parents we have to go through that and keep trying until we recognize that our trying is not helping at all. Once we come to that, then we have to stop. Stop giving them money, stop enabling them, stop listening to the ABUSE they dish out, stop allowing ANY bad behavior from them. We have to train them to treat us properly or remove them from our sphere. Not to say you don't love them, of course you do, not to say you won't help him if he cleans up his act, of course you will, but to make it absolutely clear, even to him, the MOST casual observer, that you will not tolerate disrespect, dishonesty, blame and manipulations of any sort. Often the kids don't change. It is our response to them that changes. And, generally speaking, that changes everything. I don't remember if I told you about the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. And, also, many of us derive comfort and support from 12 step groups like Al Anon and Families Anonymous. This is a treacherous path for us parents, likely the most difficult thing most of us have to face, it is not for the faint of heart...........it helps us tremendously to seek out support in whatever form that takes for you. I am very sorry you are going through this with your son. You're in the right place. We've all been there. Sending you warm thoughts, hang in there, it does get better....... [/QUOTE]
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