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Stealing - he's crossed a line and there's no going back
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 412327" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Patricia, I am bending over backwards here to see things form his PPOV. And I'm sorry to say, a big problem is there, a big part of the cause, in the inconsistency he has been exposed to. I'm betting he has been using his crowbar in the chink between you and wife, playing one against the other. He knows you are the stricter one so he leaned on wife to give in to him. And when she did, in his mind it gave him tacit permission to keep doing it. It's such a short step from "She gave me what I wanted; she would do it again if I asked. Hey, the info is still here so she must mrean for me to access it whenever I want it."</p><p></p><p>In his mind, he did not do anything really wrong. OK, maybe he should have asked first, but in his mind she would have said yes. Eventually. She has before.</p><p></p><p>So there is problem No 1 for you - you MUST be on the same page. She must NOT give way without talking it through with you. You need to be sure you can rely on one another, or don't even go there. The last thing you need is the confusion of "good cop, bad cop". Thee is a reason why this is a cliche in police interrogation - because it throws people off, it is confusing.</p><p></p><p>With all you plan - again, given what the picture looks like from his point of view, it is over-reaction. I wouldn't toss his room. But certainly, lock everything else up and keep your own stuff and your daughter's stuff safe.</p><p></p><p>Can you lock your computer room? If not, then move it all into your room and keep it there, locked away, until you can set things up more safely. But you and your wife need to both go to the counselling sessions. If difficult child refuses to go, then lock him out of the house. He has the choice to come with you, or wait on the steps. Find out the legality of this, but make it clear - you require him to be with you, even if he spends his time in the waiting room or in the car. Hire a babysitter if you have to (although I do get the poor financial situation - maybe you can arrange a trade of time with someone who has a difficult child also).</p><p></p><p>Find out what rights you have, to make him come with you. I'm thinking he may have refused, partly because it meant he was left home alone to do what he wanted.</p><p></p><p>I'd also be locking away food, it does not belong in the bedrooms. He needs to eat with the family and in the right part of the house. But whatever you do, do it with your wife fully on board. If she doesn't agree with you she needs to feel free to say so. She needs to speak up and discuss it with you so you can both compromise. You may need to really work hard to compromise with her, if your hard line approach is too likely to drive her soft heart underground and undermine everything you are trying to do.</p><p></p><p>I do feel for you. been there done that, only with us it wasn't credit cards, it was cash. A lot more than $100. Interestingly, he is now perhaps one of the most honest, law-abiding people in the world.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 412327, member: 1991"] Patricia, I am bending over backwards here to see things form his PPOV. And I'm sorry to say, a big problem is there, a big part of the cause, in the inconsistency he has been exposed to. I'm betting he has been using his crowbar in the chink between you and wife, playing one against the other. He knows you are the stricter one so he leaned on wife to give in to him. And when she did, in his mind it gave him tacit permission to keep doing it. It's such a short step from "She gave me what I wanted; she would do it again if I asked. Hey, the info is still here so she must mrean for me to access it whenever I want it." In his mind, he did not do anything really wrong. OK, maybe he should have asked first, but in his mind she would have said yes. Eventually. She has before. So there is problem No 1 for you - you MUST be on the same page. She must NOT give way without talking it through with you. You need to be sure you can rely on one another, or don't even go there. The last thing you need is the confusion of "good cop, bad cop". Thee is a reason why this is a cliche in police interrogation - because it throws people off, it is confusing. With all you plan - again, given what the picture looks like from his point of view, it is over-reaction. I wouldn't toss his room. But certainly, lock everything else up and keep your own stuff and your daughter's stuff safe. Can you lock your computer room? If not, then move it all into your room and keep it there, locked away, until you can set things up more safely. But you and your wife need to both go to the counselling sessions. If difficult child refuses to go, then lock him out of the house. He has the choice to come with you, or wait on the steps. Find out the legality of this, but make it clear - you require him to be with you, even if he spends his time in the waiting room or in the car. Hire a babysitter if you have to (although I do get the poor financial situation - maybe you can arrange a trade of time with someone who has a difficult child also). Find out what rights you have, to make him come with you. I'm thinking he may have refused, partly because it meant he was left home alone to do what he wanted. I'd also be locking away food, it does not belong in the bedrooms. He needs to eat with the family and in the right part of the house. But whatever you do, do it with your wife fully on board. If she doesn't agree with you she needs to feel free to say so. She needs to speak up and discuss it with you so you can both compromise. You may need to really work hard to compromise with her, if your hard line approach is too likely to drive her soft heart underground and undermine everything you are trying to do. I do feel for you. been there done that, only with us it wasn't credit cards, it was cash. A lot more than $100. Interestingly, he is now perhaps one of the most honest, law-abiding people in the world. Marg [/QUOTE]
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